Afraid to Widow

Chapter XXVI (Grizelle Prameswari)

I sunbathe by the pool while enjoying a very beautiful mountain view. I take a slow breath, then exhale slowly. Huft. Very enjoyable. If I do this every day, how happy I am.

Ma'am-mbak waiters passing. They brought drinks for the guests over there. Hmmm .. It looks like drinking a nice cappuccino.

"Mr," call me.

"Well, can I help you?"

"Can I buy a cappucino?"

"Can, Mom. Please wait a minute."

I continued the spoiled leyeh-leyeh. I picked up my phone and played my favorite song on Sportify. The first song I played was The Goddess Lydora.

Even though my soul was hurt.

Until he nearly committed suicide

I hummed a little. Suddenly I felt my hands being poked. Definitely Maas-mbak waiters. "Sir, put a drink on the table next to me."

Someone still pokes me. "It's me." The sound of bass Sahrial. 

"Eh, what are you doing here? Disturb me leyeh-leyeh just fine."

"My parents want to talk to you."

I take off my glasses. "Whats? You told them about the mess of our relationship, huh? Ember is so a guy. Ortu I just don't know if we're divorced."

"I've told them since Bali. Kan had asked Ayak to sell land to pay fines to you, but he did not want to give thanks. He said I should take responsibility. They want to talk to you. Wouldn't you?"

"Yes, you can."

Sahrial rang his phone. I clean my clothes and hair first.

"Assalamualaikum, Mamak, Kayak. This is Gisel willing to talk to you."

"Hello, Mamak and Ayak. How are you?"

"Alhamdulillah, good Nak Gisel. We were happy when Rial said he wanted to refer to Gisel. We understand Nak Gisel must be hurt by Sahrial's actions, but believe Rial was not the type of man who broke promises" said Sahrial. The language is polite. Same with his son who hgas mulu. 

"Yes, Nak Gisel. After all, you are still newlyweds. It is not good to rush divorce. Oh yes, Mamak is happy when Nak Gisel becomes Mamak's ghost. She is beautiful, a career woman and smart. Mamak showing off to neighbors even in the Harahap clan society." Her mama Sahrial antusian once spoke.

"Okay, Mamak, just calm down. Gisel is considering Sahrial's referral request. It only takes time to rearrange a heart that has been broken into pieces."

"Yes, we get it. Just let me know when Nak Gisel is ready to receive Sahrial back. If necessary we go to Yogya and we make a wedding party custom Batak massively abis pandemic later."

Ting!

Sahrial's phone reads. My eyes were fixed on the remaining 20% battery%

"Mom, sieve, please yes. HP Rial battery is ready. Assalamualaikum."

***

That night, Sahrial gave me a surprise. I was taken to the roof of the hotel that was designed super romantic complete there is a band player.

"Well, this is just a real and romantic candlelight dinner. Not yesterday, tacky. What try balloons and birthday decorations of SD children. Where's the candle shop again. That's a good fit for me."

Sahrial scratched his bald head. "Sorry, I don't know. That's the result to Mbah Google. A lifetime is never romantic with a girl."

"Masa? So now whose idea is to take me to this hotel and give me a surprise candlelight dinner?"

"Who else would it be if it wasn't Ammar and Jihan."

"May their taste."

"Where? Like?"

Sahrial's face was tense. Maybe I was afraid to push it away for a few times. 

Waiters brought me steak and red wine. 

"But I'm laper. Eat now for yuk."

"Yuk."

Sahrial clapped. The band's players begin the act of singing the song Romantic Storm - Suggesting you. Duh, which girl doesn't melt is treated like this? However, still my heart is still difficult to accept Sahrial's invitation to refer. Don't know why. Is there something wrong with my heart?

***

I stopped by Jihan's house before I left for work. Jihan again yoga. Suddenly his face was tense to see me coming.

"Eh, Sister Gisel."

"It's easy not to be so tense. I'm here to say thank you because you guys recommended a cool hotel to Sahrial all want to vent anyway. Don't want to instigate you to divorce again."

"Oah. Kirain what's up."

"Look yuk!"

I followed Jihan into her house. Then please sit down.

"What would Gisel drink?"

"No need. Just a little bit."

"What does Gisel want to say?"

I also began to tell about the request of his parents and my concerns are very difficult to accept the same reference Sahrial.

"I'm sorry if my question is offensive and rather personal. What makes Gisel difficult to refer to Sahrial?"

"Gue used to have a serious relationship with a guy he promised marriage, eh not condoned. When the man was a widower, he returned and promised marriage again. The result is actually the same. I swore I would never get married. It turns out that girl needs a wedding. That's why I asked Sahrial to marry me a contract. Uh, same thing. He's a shucks, falls in talaq. Well, I'm afraid the past is repeating itself. Heartache the second time by the same person." I told a long time high times wide to Jihan. It feels so hearty.

"Hmmm .. so that's the main problem. Bener the hell out of Gisel don't refer to Sahrial."

"Well, right. I don't need to refer to guys, either" between me fiery.

"I'm sorry I haven't finished talking. I mean Ma'am Gisel do not refer to Sahrial because Mbak Gisel must improve self-clogging trauma and internal injuries first. Just jerk." Gisel got up from his seat and stepped into his room.

Not long after that he came back. Carry a business card. "Mbak Gisel needs an expert. This is my psychologist, Dedy Susanto. It used to be when Papa left me, Mama took me to this psychologist."

"Sir, the wound if not treated will widen everywhere. Before Mbak's wound, widen yuk treat with to a psychologist. Who knows, it will be easy to accept Sahrial again."

Jihan gave the business card she was holding. I accepted with open arms.

***

I am not at all focused on work. My brain keeps thinking about what Jihan said. Instead of opening the AT Writing app dashbord, I open Google instead.

I type "Trauma and Inner Wound" in the search word. Many articles appear. I chose the article from the Ariny NH blog.

Inner wound is a wound that occurs in the deepest inner layer due to a pressure that occurs unusually heavy or occurs continuously. The wounded mind will cause deep sadness, feelings of uncertainty, anger, uncontrollable emotions, aggravation, unguided life, the occasional desire to end a life that feels bitter. For someone who is injured in his mind all things become dark gray, there is no color in his life.it will cause trauma or internal injuries.

The wound from being pierced by broken glass may heal in a short time, but the inner wound? Inner wounds due to the treatment of the closest people are often more devastating, if it happens repeatedly. Inner wounds uproot the psychological anchors or deepest roots of human security. How does one respond to his inner wounds? Depending on personality characteristics, accepted socialization, and the overall context of his or her life.Anger may carry over into adulthood.Punitive attitudes of parents are adopted in the form of easily angry individuals and punish life partners or children. or strong insecurity causes us to fortify ourselves for fear of being hurt.

If there is a wound on the physical body will immediately be clearly visible symptoms such as blood pouring, swelling, pain so that we can immediately take action treatment by giving wound medicine, antibiotics etc. However, if there is an invisible inner wound then ignored will occur the self-defense mechanism of the subconscious mind by closing the memoir of the trauma. It is indeed useful as a momentary self-defense, so that the inner pain due to trauma does not continue.

The problem is when the trauma event that has been tightly hidden in the subconscious mind is accidentally triggered to reappear, and will be responded by the mind consciously so that there are various diseases caused by past traumas.This re-emerging trauma can be mental illness such as feelings of anger without cause, depression, trauma, phobia, phobia, bipolar etc.or appear as physical diseases such as hypertension, cancer, ulcers, allergies, insomnia etc.

From this article I realized that what I had thought had moved on from my ex who was trapped, it turns out his wound settles under the subconscious. Does that mean I need a psychologist?

After the inner struggle, I ventured to call Dedy Susanto.