100 DAYS OF MARRIAGE

To Singapore

"Thank you, Namira?"

As I stood, I turned to face Emil who slowly straightened his tall body. And now we look at each other. He looks relaxed, and I can't hide my nervousness.

I swallowed a coarse salivary before I finally managed to voice a sentence, for some reason when Emil was so close and so intense like that it always made me almost out of control.

"No," I said quickly.

"Where is the question of the existence of a person can be directly inferred a sense of longing? Hah, it doesn't make sense."

Dodging is my mainstay, and I'm ready to step out of there to get to the room.

"You okay?"

Okay, I realize I just cried on the way home, and my messy hair hasn't been able to tidy up, either. Is Emil aware of my ambiguity?

"Hem," I replied with only a hibernation. Then step back.

"No company has a return clock at this hour,"

I stopped again, understanding what Emil was talking about. Should I tell you the truth? Well, just say it, why not? That's the truth.

"I'll resign."

"So fast?" Emil sat on the sofa, crossing his long legs on his thighs. Very relaxed and elegant.

"Yes,"

"It's only been three days" I kept quiet.

"But I'm glad to hear it,"

Suddenly I saw Emil who was also looking at me.

"Khem, that's my business, after all, you're home at this hour, don't you go to the office? Ah,,, yes yes yes yes, you are the boss, so you can go home and go as you please" a grinful horse smile ended my sentence.

"There's a business trip I have to do in the afternoon, and I want to take a break before I fly,"

"Fly away?" well, I can't hide my feelings that somehow there's a sense of inadmissibility, I mean, not willing, no, I mean,,,, aaahh,,,, I don't want Emil to leave, rather, leave me.

"You're going far? Where's where?"

"Singapore, just two days." Emil stood up, came up to me and now we are facing each other in a fairly close distance.

I kept staring at him begging him not to go, or at least take me on his business trip, if Emil understood the meaning of my gaze. But what I got wasn't as expected.

"Take care" said Emil, shuffling my hair, then he walked into his room, walking casually with both hands he put in his pants.

Oh, my God, I want to cry now, and sure enough, those clear circles just one by one.

Stupid, anyway why would I have the wish Emil would take me? Our relationship is not that good.

***

I emailed the HRD, a letter of resignation for my insecurities, and I even wrote I wasn't expecting my salary for three days of work.

After that my mind looked at many things that happened since this morning, starting from Emil who cooked, met Ardhan the former, and also Patricia, especially about the planned departure of Emil later in the afternoon for business.

I cried as much as I could in silence, the blanket covered my whole body to the head. I want to cry in the dark, and this way is powerful enough for me to channel sadness.

"Mother, father, Aretha, I miss you. I want to go home." I cried out in sobs.

"Tok tock."

Someone knocked on my door from outside.

"Yes!" I refused from inside the room to open the door. Damn, even my voice sounded hoarse and raucous.

"Eat, Laurent has cooked you a meal, he'll keep you at home until I get home."

I closed my eyes tighter and tighter, for some reason my heart ached so much that Emil would leave me and not offer to go with him.

I did not respond, too late drowning in my grief alone, and when I went out of the room, Emil no longer found, he had left without saying goodbye.

***

Was it when you were little you ever experienced being left behind by your mother to the market and without saying goodbye? Then you cried all that time until mom came back home and your heart still hurt, like that's how I feel right now. I'm sad that Emil is gone.

This house suddenly felt very quiet in the absence of Emil, my usually gloomy night was getting darker.

I stood in front of Emil's door, wanting to feel like I went inside and lay him on his bed, hugging his pillow, which must have left a bvlgary scent as well as a shampoo that had been very attached to his body, I think that's enough to calm my current messed up heart.

"Madam," Laurent came, he was cooking dinner for me last night, maybe now his job is done.

"The lady's okay?"

"I'm okay, Laurent, is the food ready?"

"Here you go, ma'am, come on, please."

"Come on!" I pulled Laurent's hand away from Emil's bedroom door, toward the dining table in the kitchen.

"The company I eat with" I cried, smiling, disguising the messy state of my heart.

"Where are you sleeping, Laurent? Our room only had two. How about just sleep in my room? We share a bed."

"No, ma'am, I'll just sleep on the living room couch. That's enough."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Madam."

We kept chatting during dinner, and still continued the chat as we watched our beloved movie on the living room tv. With Laurent making me feel good enough, at least I have a friend.

The movie we were playing was done, and when I saw Laurent, it turned out that he was asleep, I sighed, Laurent must have been so tired all day, the work he was doing more than usual.

I turned off the tivi, then wrapped Laurent's body properly, and then went into my room.

Cell phone, I played that flat object with a wish that might come true, a message. And hope is only hope, because Emil did not even send a single message even if it was just a good night. Or just tell him about himself now, has he arrived? Is she okay?

"Emil,,," I'm full of taste. Does my love grow more fertile after a month of living with him? So what about the destruction I will have when we have to separate? As for Emil, he still doesn't love me, he doesn't want me.

***

I woke up very late, enjoying a free day without work. Breakfast that has been served at the dining table, as well as a clean and neat house adds calmness.

"Are you sleeping soundly, madam?" Laurent serves rice and fried chicken on my plate.

"He em, pretty good, sit down, we have breakfast together,"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I had breakfast earlier, maybe, I'll have lunch for an hour" Laurent replied with a smile, resuscitating me if I woke up too late.

"Oh," I nodded slowly.

***

Do not know what to do, without Emil makes my life feel there is less, empty? Maybe, Emil, what is he doing now?

I checked her over and over again, again and again, hoping that Emil would send me a message, but there was only the last one I saw, and when she went online, I really wished she had typed, but long enough I waited, until the online writing finally turned into the last seen again.

"Ck." pissed. Of course I feel upset.

***