While the Script is Drawn

Mosaic 15 - The Rainbow Winged Butterfly

I heard you were so scared, Lia? How could you be so scared like that? Tell me your reasons? Maybe I can help you. If you don't know yourself. Then please listen to me.

Perhaps, this will be able to change your mind-set of death. If you don't think life is like a pearl you keep in a super-thick iron ward with an elaborate code lock, it will be the angel of death's dagger that threatens every second of your breath, won't scare your shadow.

Azalia, do you still remember when we both enjoyed acting Keanu Reeves in 47 Ronnin, after debating which movie to watch first? After the samurai ripped his belly with a tanto, you screamed. I see your expression that has become mixed juice, sad, scared, overwhelmed and funny. And after the roster came up, followed by Japanese music, you said. "They keep their honor by doing seppuku. Death is not a scary thing."

But still I see you're upset. Eyes that look far away, legs that curl up.

I remind you again when you played Beetoven's moonlight sonata, which you loved so much. Very gracefully you played it during that Junior High farewell. You're so enjoying your melody. You're flying with the note you pressed. Like a non-terrestrial, you are so alluring to anyone who hears your game.

As the final tone ended, everything in the room clapped. It was like watching an angel play his harmonica. All eyes are on you, Azalia. You look happy because you can make other people happy. That's how life should be.

Sometimes I feel scared and desperate. "Let's pray," take you when I'm in the undercurrent like that. "Prayer can turn the impossible into the possible." I nodded and you began to lead the prayer.

"God, grant me. Serenity, to accept the things I can't change. Courage, to change the things I can, and... Wisdom to know the difference."*

"God, give me. Peace, to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can change. And wisdom to distinguish the two."

Amens. Then I hugged you, we cried peace together.

***

"My hair is starting to fall out. And I realized I'd never get married," you started complaining, even if you didn't show anyone, I felt the need to listen.

"I'll be here. With you until anytime. If your hair runs out, my hair is like a tuyul, I'll stay with you" I said, clasping your smile.

Then we walked along the beach with Dante and Adele. They're amazing friends. Although I know there's a mess that haunts our friendship. Dante who loves you, Adele who loves Dante and humbly relents, for the sake of your friendship. For your happiness and Dante's. He knows you love Dante too. You told me so many times that you were so lucky to have a friend like Adele.

"I want them to get married. I want to see them happy from heaven" you said with an expanding smile. I snort in anger.

"Enough! Don't say that again, Azalia. You'll be healed. Everyone has tried. You want to disappoint them?"

You shakes firmly. "I want to believe your words. But look. Now there's not even a hair on my head. And where are we now? Kilo meters away from our home. In a room full of hoses that stick to this."

I held your hand again, no matter how many times. "All will be well."

Then we go back to those beautiful dreams. You want to be a teacher, a profession that you think is very noble. You want to spread a lot of kindness to the kings. The kings will be the successors of the nation. You want to be in many social communities. "I want to be able to help a lot of people" you said.

Chemotherapy turns out not only trim all your black hair. Your body starts to wilt, your lips are chapped, your skin is as pale as a corpse. There's not much you can do now. Just lying on the bed. Then those who love you and those you love come more often than you ever imagined. Relatives, some Junior High School friends, high school friends, neighbors, college friends, Adele and of course most often, Dante.

"He's a sweet man" you muttered.

I look at you funny. "You say as flat as saying one plus one equals two. He's the only guy you put his name on the first page of your diary."

Listening to me say that, you hid your face under the pillow.

Azzalia, honestly I'm starting to worry, eutyrax and drugs that I don't recognize the name of it make your appetite disappear altogether. Your refrigerator is full of food from those who are faithful to visit you and comfort you. But none of it excites you. You force to eat, it's an uphill battle. And that pain sometimes comes. Frequent nosebleeds. Your body is getting weaker. Your head feels like it's about to break.

"I always wanted to be a rainbow-winged butterfly" you said suddenly.

"You remember that too."

When we were kids we used to fill out a psychology question from an adult magazine.

"What's the most beautiful thing you think?" ask the magazine.

You and I looked at each other, thinking for a moment.

"Rainbow," I answered steadily.

"Why rainbows?" your tank wants to know.

I answered him in a dream. "Multi-dimensional color. Not monochrome, evokes a wide imagination. And it came after the rain. The rain is always full of memories. If rain is a process, then the rainbow is the climax. The beautiful process ended beautifully. Isn't that beautiful?"

You're a beard, whether I understand what I mean or not. "What about your answer?"

"Butterfly, very beautiful isn't it?" your answer mimicked the way I spoke earlier.

"Beautiful... But it's very fragile."

You're shaking. "I mean wider than the visible."

"You want to be an impromptu philosopher?"

You laugh amusedly. "Beautiful butterflies are born from ugly caterpillars. Patience in the cocoon. Then, when out breathing the world, he transformed into a figure that injects a lot of inspiration in the minds of the poet. It was beautiful right when he flapped his wings on a flower"

"Yes, yeah... Just combine the two. Rainbow winged butterfly. It's beautiful," I chirped around. You even sparkled to welcome my idea.

***

You look so self-conscious again. After all the struggles we've done. Chemotherapy that breaks down tears, herbal medicines until the nuclear ablation of iodine 131. But this disease turned out to be really malignant. He is a difficult opponent to defeat. Our patience with all of this has also been given to the very end. Like a caterpillar being patient in its cocoon. Hope to be a butterfly. But it is all in the hands of the Creator. We've been trying. Us, you and me. You are the one who is me. I am the one who is you. Now you can only surrender. Whatever happens, we must not be afraid. If it really has to end, make it a beautiful ending. Like those rainbow-winged butterflies.

"What I fear is not death" you said weakly.

"Then?"

"Cause the harderst part of this is leaving you.**"

Because the hardest part of this is to leave you.

________________________

* Marry Riana and Alva prayer in the book Step a million tenth (Words ‘God’ change ‘Allah’)

**Song lyrics Cancer ‘My Chemical Romance’.