This Is It?

Chapter 19: Paradox

The brain moves the tongue without excusing the heart. As if looking at an opportunity, my mouth just puffed up. In fact, I have warned not to be tempted to express feelings at this time.

For some people, the sooner the better. However, I am the one who always takes into account the steps. I don't want to be rash. I don't want to be filled with regrets. Except, about the decision to swallow the Fate-Changing Pearl. I did it without much thought, because I believe it was a gift from God.

Mutia looked at me blushing, I could not read the meaning of the look on her face, whether it was a pleasure or a challenge to make a subtle rejection.

“Kok you asked about my feelings to you?”

I guess Mutia will give you an answer. Apparently, he asked back. If so, what should I do?

I'm stuck in my own questions. Suddenly the head feels cuddly. I'm starting to worry. Explain or divert the discussion?

“Oh! Haha…. I was just kidding. Mut. I'm just weird about Metha. When he told you to give up. We have nothing to do yet. Haha...”.

Huh! Basic suck! I was nervous, so I turned the topic around.

“Gas, I'm serious. You even play me.”

“Sorry, sorry.” I'm serious, too, but I'm still afraid to face a reality that might not be in line with expectations.

“Yourself, do you have the same feeling Metha, Gas?” Mutia looked at me quite deeply. “Em... I mean... I'm not curious about your personal problems. I just don't want Metha to feel given hope by you.”

I also thought the same as the last sentence Mutia said. However, I did not feel like giving Metha any hope.

“One more time, I'm sorry yes, Mut.”

Mutia said again if I didn't need to feel guilty. Maybe it was between him and Metha who wanted to show a different side of the color.

Sometimes true friendship needs to pass some tests to show authenticity. If this problem alone (for men) has reached a dead end, then the wrong is the ego of each.

Not everything I can tell Mutia. Had he known I was the cause of his quarrel with Metha, would he have chosen me?

Mutia also asked about Metha and Dita's quarrel that day. Regarding this, I explained honestly to him. The embrace between me and Metha is not based on love. At that time Metha revealed her heart to me, but I had no sense of it whatsoever. So, the touch is just a tranquilizer.

If accumulated, I have made two messes in Metha's life. He quarrels with Dita and her own best friend, Mutia. However, isn't that Metha's personal matter? She should have been able to act more mature like she was talking about supporting me with Mutia.

Ah, nevermind! The point is, I'm getting convinced to face Metha tomorrow.

So, we chatted more casually. We remember the old school days, even though I was very careful to say. I searched safely by listening more to Mutia's story.

However, concerns arise when familiarity begins to warm. Should I start the approach as his closest friend? What if he's more comfortable thinking of me as a friend or a friend, not as a lover? The nature of my thinking comes to know no time.

***

The day of the campus ambassador's election arrives. My feelings are actually mediocre. Suddenly my enthusiasm went down. My passion faded from not seeing Mutia present at this event.

Adisty kept encouraging me. He believes I will win. He said, on paper I was far superior to other majors. Andy, Tommy, Leo, and Revan also contributed me in the form of a relentless spirit.

I will continue to undergo an optimal assessment series. Merely, I felt that the victory I might find would be less meaningful if Mutia was not here.

From the beginning of my intention to follow this event to satisfy obsession, it is now an effort to “pamer” to Mutia. Where is he now? Why didn't he come? In fact, yesterday he had promised to be present to support me fully.

There are three rounds I have to go through. First, the introduction and presentation of motivation followed the campus ambassador selection event. Second, the talent. Third, answer questions from the jury.

The clock continues to turn. Moments to minutes I watched the audience seats. The great hope of the arrival of Mutia was not out of mind.

Until the time came for me to present myself, Mutia was still invisible as well. I'm sure he's not someone who can break a promise. Is something happening to him? Hope turned into worry.

I'm waiting for the second half backstage. My phone's beeping. A WhatsApp message from Mutia appears in a pop up screen.

[Sorry, Gas. I came late. The spirit!] Scripting.

I peeked into the stands immediately. Right, there was Mutia standing at the very back row. I looked around him. Huh! Thankfully, he was not accompanied by Ardi.

My time to showcase talent begins. My spirit's tempestuous. A song by Jamie Miller titled Here’s Your Perfect was my chance to lure Mutia with a voice.

Once I know this body can sing, of course I use it as an allure. After all, women like men who are romantic and have a sweet voice, right?!

Rumbles, applause in the air for tens of seconds. Mutia smiled at me. Perfect! I was too early to assume that today would be so boring.

I can't wait to lift the cup to Mutia. Yes, as Adisty said, my victory is just waiting for the announcement.

The show also went faster. It was as if he was pushing the clockwork firmly. Go to the last round, and in my turn.

One of the judges took a question paper. “According to you, what are the main problems of teenagers today or in this digital era? And what do you think about this problem?”

Confidently, I smiled at the jury and the audience. “Good. I think the main problem faced by teenagers today is the identity crisis. With the rapid development of technology and social media, many teenagers are comparing their lives with others. When they see his life is no better than his friends or around, they begin to question the meaning and purpose of life.” I took about 3 seconds to breathe.

“Then from that, it is important for yourself to consider this life perfect. No need to try to be like others, but learn from others. So yourself and show the world that everyone is special,”.

One minute I use it well. Evidently, the tribune rumbled back. In fact, I kind of lit fireworks. All the spectators stood up to give their welcome for my answer.

I was late reading the notification window. I see Ardi's name emblazoned as the sender.

Very good answer. Unfortunately, it should be said to yourself first! It's full of sarcasm.

I didn't see Ardi's whereabouts in this hall. Where is he?

I peeked again by walking towards the side of the stage. Mutia was still alone.

Let it! I better ignore Ardi's taunts. I realized my statement just now. Not to patronize, but the answer is indeed for myself and encourage others. Am I wrong to tell implied personal experiences? Huh! I must not be provoked by the psychic provocation that Ardi lay.

Announcement of winners announced. The result, as estimated. I became champion one. However, Mutia was not in her position when I was about to spread a smile to her. Where the hell is he? Why did he suddenly disappear?

I walked around the hall to look for Mutia. It's strange! He left when I wanted to present my victory.

“Basic hypocrite!” curse someone.

I recognize the owner of the vowel. But where is he?

“What do you mean, Met? You invite me to meet here to say what the hell?” is

Yeah, it's Metha and Mutia. I tried to walk towards the back, right next to the tool shed. They seem to be facing each other.

“How did you smile back at Bagas Pas Bagas on stage? I also know yesterday you ate together at the same McD Bagas, right?” ask Metha.

For a while, I listened to their discussions.

But I didn't see Metha in the audience. Not even Dita seemed as far as my eyes glared. There are only her friends. Is it because I'm just focusing on looking for Mutia?!

“Then, where's the fault, Met?” Mutia chimed in Metha's slurs with a still flat voice. “Bagas is our classmate, representing our majors, am I wrong to give him spirit? Related to eating together at McDonald's, why can't I eat together with him?”

“You're a fool (can't be told), I told you please step back. Don't deketin Bagas anymore! Is it not clear what my request is? Huh?” Metha continues to elevate the tone of voice. “I don't like you keep mepet-mepet to Bagas.”

Mutia seemed to be regulating the breath. “You don't like me deket Bagas because what? If you like the same Bagas yes please, but you can not dong ask others to continue to stay away from Bagas.”

“Do you like the same Bagas? If so, I'm asking you to back off without me having to say again and again. This is my last request and warning. I can reconsider for us to be friends like before. As long as you know yourself.” Metha pointed her index finger at Mutia.

I thumped at the question Metha gave Mutia. Yes, I want to know immediately the answer that came out of Mutia.

However, Mutia was silent for a moment. He looked left and right as if taking the time to draw up an answer.

“If I like Bagas for example, and Bagas likes me too, why? You can't ask me to back off. You have no right to ask for that. Except, the status of your relationship with Bagas is clear,” Mutia explained.

“Your name turned out to be psyched yes. The outside looks quiet. Rotten inside. You'd rather ruin a friendship than fix it,” scorn Metha.

“Destroying friendship?” Mutia started to raise her voice. “Who really ruins a friendship? If Bagas and I like each other, why should I back off? Why don't you back off and support your best friend? You can't control someone's feelings. You asked me to stay away from Bagas, while when I asked what your relationship with Bagas, you answered is still limited to approach. I also asked Bagas, he said that he does not have the same feelings as you feel to him.”

Metha shed tears. Mutia looked tough in the face of Metha's attitude.

I'm glad to hear Mutia's confession. However, I also could not bear to let him fight with his best friend.

“So, you like Bagas?” Metha again raises the question.

Mutia tried to embrace Metha, but Metha took a few steps back.

“Cepet reply! Yes or no? I want to hear once again the confession of the hypocrite, the saintly pretentious, the pompous in front of me.”

“Met, that's just an analogy. I just want you to think realistically. If you want to get something, fight. Not telling others to back off so you don't have any rivals.”

“Not to be my teacher. Basic actor!” blasphemy Metha. Then he left too.

After Metha passed, I saw Mutia covering her face with both hands. He seemed to cry.

I stepped foot to get to Mutia. But someone pulled my hand from behind.

“How do you feel seeing the drama you just presented? Exclaims? Amused? Or still less interesting?” ask Ardi with a satire.

He really is not human. Or is he actually a genie? Ah, I don't know! I better get to Mutia.

“Let Mutia alone. Your presence will only make him feel even more guilty!” prevent Ardi.

“Since when are you here?”

Ardi put on a mocking expression. “Since you've been silent enjoying two friends fighting just for fighting over you. How's it? Are you satisfied now that you have conquered the hearts of many?”

“Gue wonder same you. Are you really a demon in disguise? You entered the human world to destroy the living order of others?” my annoyance.

“Lu too far thought. I'm just sorry for you. If I could ask back. You actually want to feel the perfect life or want to take revenge against people who once demeaned you,” Ardi said half whispered.

The more I get here, the more I wonder about Ardi's identity before. What was the big purpose of him exchanging bodies with me? There was a huge strangeness that I felt covered in him.