Tannin Wo Yosetsukenai Buaisouna Joshi Ni Sekkyou Shitara,

Chapter 4 volume 8

When I was a kid, I never had any trouble with my studies.

When I started learning arithmetic and Japanese in elementary school, I thought it was pretty easy; I immediately understood the concept of adding one to one, he said, and I feel that Japanese is just the language I use all the time. As a child, I had dabbled in printed books as well as picture books, so kanji seemed like common sense to me.

I never got anything other than a perfect score in the exam, and even if I was given more than half an hour to solve the puzzle, I would only solve it in about five minutes. Even if I include time to review, I will always have more than half the time left.

The lesson is always simple. I don't have to listen to long lessons from teachers every day, I can just read a textbook and understand it. I wondered why he spent so much time on each lesson.

–Oh, you're very smart, aren't you?

That's what I got when I complained to the teacher. Indeed, what is easy for me is not easy for other students. A lot of students can do as well as I do, but I am the only one who gets good grades with a little study.

I was still in the fourth grade.

maybe you should take the entrance exam.

That's what my mom told me.

–You can learn a lot. Let's go to a better school.

With those words, I started attending cram school for the junior high school entrance exam. I scored well on the entrance test and was placed in the top class from the start.

In that class, all students had deviation scores above 70. My grades are not bad, but unlike in school, I often lose to others.

But I don't care about that. Because I am more busy with myself than comparing myself to others.

Education in cram schools is evil.

I think it's fanatic. I guess it depends on the cramming school, but in the school I went to, the value that going to a good junior high school equals a good life is considered absolute. The cramming school instructor repeatedly said, "The best thing you can do here is to work hard. Those who can do their best here will be successful waiting for them. On the other hand, those who could not even do their best in the Junior High entrance examination would only become helpless people in the school helpless".

When the attitude of accepting the class was a little bad, they were terrified. Although I was not intimidated, there was a time when I saw the figure of another person being shouted at while clutched in his chest. The fear and sense of mission that I had to follow these people seemed obvious. After all, if I studied hard, I would be praised, so my mother and I started to consider cramming schools as our priority.

–If you want it, you should aim for the top.

My mother, who had a loose feeling about things, started saying that to me over and over again.

Thinking about it now, I thought it was almost like brainwashing.

If I get bad grades, I have to be disappointed. Even if my grades are good, I have to aim higher. Anyway, I have to show them how hard I try to catch up.

Because I was so desperate, I was even less interested in my schoolwork. Relaxed teachers and other students. They looked like something that was somewhere far away.

It was much lower than the terrain I was fighting on. I would rather study at home than in a place like this. I stopped doing my homework more and more, and I ignored all my summer chores. I kept doing only the homework given by cramming schools.

Winter is my sixth year. The culmination of all my efforts came in the form of test results.

Simply put, I failed.

I didn't go to the school that was my first choice. I went through all the other schools of my choice, but I was filled with a feeling of emptiness, wondering what all my efforts were for.

I'm sick of the fact that I didn't get into the school of my dreams even though I've spent the last three years of my life studying hard, not even having time to play.

At the same time, I began to wonder why I was working so hard.

After all, it was a junior high school entrance exam. If I get into a good school, I might be able to do well in the next exam. But after the university entrance exam, it will have a direct impact on my life.

- Why?

Why do I really want to go to that school? I'm not sure anymore.

So, after graduation, I had almost nothing.

All that remains is a high sense of pride.

When I got into private junior high school, which I didn't really want to attend, my discomfort became stronger. I don't think there's a place for me there. I keep feeling confused.

That's boring. Everything's boring. I used to think I was a special person. However, when I was suddenly kicked out of exams like this, I realized that I had nothing.

I felt a push within me that I had never felt before.

It's hard to explain, but it's almost like some kind of desire for destruction.

One day, I went to the hairdresser with the New Year money I had saved up.

I want to dye my hair.

The color I chose was orthodox blonde. I cut the side of my hair, which is quite long, and added a mesh near the top of my head.

I felt mysteriously satisfied, and when I came home with such an appearance, everyone was naturally enraged.

–Return and change back.

Why yes. I was the most angry I had ever experienced in my life when I was told that.

So I ignored it.

Of course, I was also reviled in school. The life guidance teacher put me in a locked room.

That doesn't matter. I see teachers and tutors as the same.

That's what it's about to be an adult. They just want to put you on a set of rails.

I looked down on my classmates.

I look down on my teachers.

I even looked down on my parents.

I want to build my own existence in this bad world. I lack confidence. I think I have nothing. That's why I want to make myself different from others.

First, I unbuttoned the first school uniform.

Gradually, the second and third buttons are lowered, and finally, all the buttons are opened.

The inside jerseys are replaced with the oblong jerseys, and the socks become shorter and shorter.

I started skipping classes more and more often, not taking it seriously.

The wrinkles between my eyebrows became more and more frequent.

So, my arrears are complete.

That was the biggest mistake of my life.

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