MOON IN PESANTREN

Dormitory Corridor

Nervous and afraid, it was a feeling that dominated me even more at this moment. I stepped slowly towards the middle corridor of the first floor, where the children were watching the cartoon broadcast on the big television. I breathed many times with lips that I kept bitten because I felt anxious. The noise of the children playing while screaming was not heard by me. My eyes were only on someone in a plain black wolfish shirt.

As per Zahra's request to me last night, I had to meet Harsa this morning. After I told Zahra honestly last night that the man I liked was not Harsa, Zahra asked me to ask Harsa directly about how she felt about Zahra on condition that she, Harsa must not know that this is Zahra's request. I was confused as to how I asked, there was no way I could go straight to the core. Can-can Harsa surprised and think that not-not about me.

Besides, I'm also afraid of Harsa's answer later. What if Harsa doesn't give a pleasant answer? Zahra was certainly disappointed and I couldn't stand to be hated by Zahra. We're home tomorrow and it's likely I won't see Zahra again. There's no way our farewell is this sad. Our friendship ran aground just because of a man.

My feet stopped exactly one step behind Harsa who was sitting with the children. I stared at his sturdy back for a long time, asking God for help. I hope there will be something good today. I racked my brain to find a good topic and sentence selection so that Harsa was not suspicious.

“Harsa,” call me carefully.

He looked up and saw me standing behind him. “Eh, Seli. What's up?”

I who was confused and misbehaved could only look at him. My brain thought hard and told Harsa to say something, but my mouth said nothing. Mutely.

Harsa who saw me like that also became confused. Shortly after, the two children who had been sitting next to Harsa, left. Without thinking much, Harsa asked me to sit next to her. I nodded my sign approvingly.

“What's up, Cell?” asked Harsa once more to me after I sat down.

After breathing out, I started talking. “Harsa, you once said something to me back in the auditorium, right?”

“Something which one?”

“It ...” Ah, how do I say that something I meant was a confession of his feelings to me back then. This is Harsa pretending not to know or really not to know, anyway? “It ... something you said hopefully does not bring harm to us,” connect me.

“Ah, recognition of my feelings to you?” guess with a mocking tone.

“Iya it. So, now I want to ask you. For example, there are girls who say so to you. How did you respond?”

“Whose girl is for example? You?”

“Ngak. Other women besides me.”

The man whose voice in tenth grade I admired seemed confused. Then, his face seemed to be thinking of answering my question. “Maybe I'm grinning and not feeling good. I'm happy because there are people who like me, but I also feel bad because I can't reply to his feelings.”

“If only he had said that was a pinter woman, gentle and beautiful. For example women like Zahra, Maryam or Shahla. You mean you can return her feelings?”

Harsa chuckled at my words.

Did I speak wrong? I may not have made Harsa suspicious that I had come to see her to find out if Harsa had feelings similar to Zahra's to her. To be honest, I was also ashamed to ask a man like this.

“What else are you doing, Cell? Suddenly it was like this. Is it because we're home tomorrow so you're curious about me? Okay, I also have to be kind enough to answer your questions so that you are not curious.” Harsa was silent for a while with a look towards the outer courtyard. “You girl is a pinter, pretty or something else, but if she's not the person I like, I'm still not interested in her.”

Harsa's gaze remained on the outer courtyard, she did not look at me as she said this. His tone changed unlike when we were chatting in the beginning. “I can only like one woman. So, as long as I still like one woman, other women can not I like also.”

I was stunned to hear Harsa's statement just now. He's a good and sincere man. May Allah make a bet with the best woman. Very lucky woman who will be his soul mate later. I never imagined someone as good as he would ever express his feelings to me. However, back then and even until this second the man I liked was not him.

This man sitting not too far away from me was looking at me with his brown eyeballs. “When the event in the auditorium, you have told me who I like?” Harsa's eyes looked serious. “Yes, that woman is you, Cell. And it's still until now.”

I quickly diverted my back from Harsa. It makes my heart full. I'm getting confused. This situation makes me understand one of the reasons why feeling like someone is not always good to express. Sometimes it is better to hide. If I hadn't known that Harsa liked me, maybe when Zahra asked me last night I would have said no. Last night I had intended to hide the truth but it was hard to lie to my friends. Moreover, Zahra is a person who really does not like to be lied to. I couldn't have if Zahra had known that I had lied to her.

It can't be this, it's all happened and I can't regret what happened last night. Maybe it's God's will and maybe it's the best option. Harsa is also not completely wrong because she does not know that Zahra likes her.

Harsa, it turns out your expression while in the auditorium brought harmharat to me, my inner self.

After a long while I was immersed in my own thoughts, I realized that Harsa was also thinking of something. “By the way, you knew Zahra before I entered this boarding school, huh? That means you've known him for a long time. Eumm, what is your view on Zahra? You see if I'm the same Zahra, the younger brother in nanyain you. Then, when we were punished clean up the student room, nanyain Zahra's underclassman to you, right?” I lured Harsa to reveal something about Zahra. I hope Harsa gives an answer that doesn't hurt Zahra's feelings so I don't have to lie to Zahra about the contents of our conversation.

“Betul. He is a good guy, I am equally salute him. From the beginning I met, he was very friendly and kind.”

Harsa develops a smile. “Iya. I am also grateful to know Zahra.”

...***...

I looked for Zahra in the crowd of Ibtidaiyah Madrassa santri. Those who are enjoying the performance of songs from the band consisting of young teachers in this dormitory as well as the boarders. It has become our routine to provide entertainment to children by singing together. Initially this program was only to wait for the time of breaking the fast, but it has continued until now even if only two or three days.

Small-time events commonly held ba’da ashar turned into morning by noon for today because today is the last day the boarders are here. Right, tonight is a release event for the twelfth grade students.

Zahra sat down with some little santri who seemed like a second-rate santri. I walked up to him in the corridor facing the members of this impromptu band. They perform in the front yard of the dorms close to the beautiful flowers in a well-maintained garden.

“Zahra, I asked Harsa,” I said to her in a whisper.

“Udah? Very spooky. Yes, you want to tell me now?”

I'm nodding. “Where are you? Here many children.”

Zahra stood up and took my hand to follow her. “Deket ladder situ aja deserted.”

We sat on the stairs that were on the block for santri rijal. Somewhat far from the crowd, but the ones that appear are still visible from here. “So gini, Ra.” I started talking after breathing out.

“Tar first, Cell. Em, you're sorry about my attitude, right? Yes, the hell you've been saying that you're sorry for me but I still have guilt. Actually I know that my attitude like semalem is wrong, very wrong. But, that's me, Cell. That is my lack and disgrace. I try not to do that anymore, though. I tried to change,”, he said, ending with a bitterness because he felt ashamed considering his nature like that.

“Iya-iya. While trying to change, you know, Ra.” I pinched his arm slowly. I also have to try to be airy to accept the lack of my friend because there may be a situation or event in the past that makes it like that. The important thing is that he realizes his mistake and tries to change.

I released his body that had been leaning on me. “So want to be told no, nih?”

“Iya. So, how's he responding? Didn't you know that I told you to?”

“Ngak, coke. He said he was grateful to know you. He is also amazed by your persistence if you learn and you are also versatile.”

Zahra smiled slightly. “I'm also grateful to know him. And even more grateful that he likes me.” He paused for a moment and looked at me. “I have no right to be angry with you, Seli. Moreover, you also do not like Harsa.”

“Means that one day I like Harsa, you're angry dong same me?”

Zahra chuckles. Her teeth were clearly visible, adding a sweet impression to her face. “If one day you like both Harsa and Harsa as well, hopefully I don't like Harsa and I have met the same man who is my soul mate.”

We laughed together. The song sung by the vocalist accompanied our conversation. Suddenly I looked back, towards the top of the stairs.

The deg!

My eyes widened. Surprised by what I saw. Zahra who saw me looking back followed my gaze. He was just as surprised. Stand up a man in a shirt and black pants, making his skin look more pure white. He's the one who's been talking to me not long ago.

“Zahra, afwan. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Zahra and I looked at each other. Why would Harsa want to talk to Zahra? Has he heard everything that Zahra and I have been talking about since? May nothing make Zahra sad. Although I also knew that Harsa would not hurt Zahra's feelings.

Zahra just bit her lip. His face looked anxious, maybe he felt embarrassed if Harsa had heard all our talk earlier.

...***...