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Rest In Calm

Tonight is one night in the rainy season. The smell of wet soil and cold air was still airborne. Sometimes the wind was calm and the trees were rumbling with him. Peace. I held back my jacket as I breathed the air. Familiar oxygen seemed to fill my lungs. When I exhaled long, back. If this were my last breath.

“Kok can? How's your grandson got found there?”

The man's voice made me stop my steps in front of the house. Mr. Murjito, Grandpa's friend. Why did he ask me? Ah, like most people. He must have been curious about me disappearing for 6 years, then appearing where I never expected. Or. it's just a fun material to talk about. I don't know. What I always remember, Grandpa and Grandma would tell me emotionally, whether angry or excited, and then my mother, their ex-daughter-in-law, would look worse in everyone's eyes. I let out a breath. I don't know when I started caring about other people. I just hate the sympathy tone of their voices after hearing my story. Then with another disgusting note of sympathy, they will give me counsel which, by God, I have heard thousands of times.

Sighing again, I turned my steps. I don't know why home isn't the place I want it to be. Lonely there. My heart is empty, empty. It doesn't look like a palace. It is not a place that is usually referred to as heaven by other children. I don't even feel like I have a home. Home with a sense of security and longing. The place where a child pours out a sense of pride and tiredness by his adventures. A place full of colorful memories that appease the heart. No. gabe. There's no place like that. Even if I die and God puts me in His heaven.

I stopped my steps. Why am I thinking about death? Haha.. I laughed softly as I raised my head. Looking up to the sky. There a dark cloud was hanging and a small drizzle was still gushing for the earth. I closed my eyes slowly. Alisku. Where is the peace I felt? Why disappear so easily? Why.. Ah, Dad, Mom.. You must be proud of me now. Because it seems like I have been able to use my brain properly. Do you guys know? Now that I have realized, I have been alone in this world. I don't have anything. Even your love or attention. I used to be stupid. It is too easy to be deceived by the momentary happiness of each of your never-same comings. Father, mother, you are the most real pseudo-shadows of my life.

“If I were you, I would not be strong.”

I smiled remembering that comment. A lot of people have said that to me. To be honest I don't need a sentence of entertainment, or any sentence that shows how unfortunate I am. I don't want to look like I'm the unluckiest in the world.

I would usually laugh if I put it with that comment. Then I'll answer, “Yes, I would have been dead a long time ago if I wasn't strong.”

I'll look at the guy. Stick with my laugh that never touches my heart. “Of course, does my face look like a person who is alone? Hahaha.” Then the conversation will stop.

I'm lonely, that's right. But I won't reveal it on people's faces. Loneliness is the perfect time to turn off the heart. As the nights pass, I will drown myself again. Drown until nothing can show up. Like I should have lived this long. Under the rain that looks always refreshing.

Drizzle is getting louder. I let myself get wet, a little bit of cooling my heart. A little wipe away the tears that too much has dried up on these cheeks. I wonder if my parents ever cried for me. Do they ever think that a child always wants his parents, or if God is too good, do they ever miss me?

I heard someone approaching. I opened my eyes and smiled. “You always know where to find me.”

“More when you are in need of darkness.” The answer.

She smiled back at me, spread out her hands, asking me to come closer. And I happily approached and hugged her. Then let the darkness cover me with its warmth. Tomorrow will be a peaceful day to rest. Yes, my peaceful day.