Design: A Buana

Eps 17's

It's been two days and two nights I don't eat, actually my stomach acid will go up if I don't take heartburn.

If you don't know, I always keep stomach ulcers because my stomach acid is high. So the family was a little anxious that I locked myself up and didn't eat all this time. But the state of the heart made me not appetite, especially I was very disappointed with them.

Two nights in the shade, I prayed to God to give me a proper way out. Because I was too weak to think about what I should do in front of him. Can't be if I have to keep this up forever? I could have died of a chronic ulcer.

After this two-night period, it seemed like I was slowly finding a solution, even though I had to fight hard, and try to let go. I chose to let go of Mas Raksa, because I thought this was the best way. I wasn't meant to be with him.

Given our age that is far adrift and also the matchmaking that is not opposed by Mas Raksa. So I'm getting a feeling that it's not just destiny that doesn't want us to be together, it's him, too.

Maybe for thirteen days I was in Jakarta, during that time he was content to play with my heart. Not just him, everyone I trust and love.

The longer I stay in Jakarta, the worse I get. Honestly, I really need a friend to talk to. Needs a shoulder to lean on, and needs a hold for me to hug. My feelings were very hurt, as well as my physical longer getting weaker. I don't want this to get any worse, considering I'm about to enter the higher school world. So I have to prepare my mind and mind.

Maybe, people think I'm a little more, but somehow I just realized, the pain is too heavy for me to make the burden of life. All this time I had never felt the slightest love or heartbreak and suddenly I had to go through all of this, so I was at a loss as to what to do. Pretending to be okay or shutting down to calm the heart?

Now at half-seven in the morning, with a firm heart and a unanimous decision I chose to get out of bed. I'm standing in front of the glass, is this me? A new feeling yesterday I stood here with a joyful heart. Now then? My hair is tied but it is irregular, my eyes are black and black, and my lips are chapped because of lack of fluid. But for now I don't care about any of that.

I ignored the current state of my face, I chose to open the door of the room and head to the dining room. I knew my family was having breakfast together, because it was our custom.

I walked slowly, because my legs felt weak. Get down the stairs by holding on to the wall. My footsteps did not sound a bit.

"I want you to think about this decision again. Mah, look at Aeera's condition, she's in shock and hurt." I heard their conversation. Honestly, I don't like it when it comes to being pitied like that.

"Once again Mamah also said to you, this is all Mama had thought carefully."

"Your, Caeera. Don't talk about this anymore, I'm dizzy, I want to focus on Aeera first." Here, the person I miss the most is Ms. Humeera, the one who has always been there for me. During my time in Jogja, he was the one I always took video calls, he who always heard me complaining and always cheered me on.

Slowly I approached them, "i'm fine, don't worry about my situation."

When they looked at me, Mamah and Mbak Caeera looked at each other, while Mbak Humeera stood up to me.

"Sit Aeera, you want to eat? Oh my goodness, look at your situation." He panicked as he tried to tidy up my hair, then he led me to sit on the dining chair.

"I don't want to be a barrier to other people's happiness."

They looked at me full of questions. "I don't want to be the cause of this family conflict either."

"Aeera, you understand, don't you, you mean Mamah?"

I nodded, "i know, I'm just disappointed."

I saw Humeera's eyes begin to sparkle, "Aeera,"

"I'm not papa, Ma'am. If his destiny is like this, how else?"

"Gue knows what you are, but, try to think about the consequences going forward. If you don't like it and don't want to, say it directly, don't be pretentious."

"Cae" muttered Humeera as if telling Ms. Caeera to stop talking. Indeed, his words made my heart's wounds worse.

I smiled wryly at her words. It is not time to hear that long speech.

"Here, we're not pitying you. I also can't bear to see this drastic change in attitude. So, I beg you to think carefully."

I feel smaller, as small as the ink point of a ballpoint pen. My chest is getting claustrophobic from the words of Sister Caeera, I am not okay, but I am trying to be okay, because I don't want people to sympathize with me, I don't like that.

Ms. Caeera stood up from her seat and clasped the black bag she used to use for college. "Gue to campus first, you think mature, don't kayak a child. You are a teenager and now you are going to adulthood. So, you should know what's best for you and your own future."

He leaves us, I just smile, he easily says it. But he did not think about the circumstances that happened to me, if I survive and disagree with Mamah's decision, what can I do? You can even experience the state of this family.

Here, I choose to agree because I know. No matter how hard I oppose it, I won't win. It just makes things worse.

He may know my heart and psychic state, but he doesn't know the choice I can make. Talking is easy, but action is not that easy. If he's good at talking, why does he still fail to convince Mamah to change his mind? Bullshits!

"Acreation,"

My eyes that were originally staring intently at the dining table directly looked at Mamah's eyes.

"You know why Mom did this, don't you, son?"

I did not answer, and did not intend to respond in the least.

"Hm, I'm going to the office first, yeah. Afraid of being late." My eyes are not sidetracked from Mamah's face even though Humeera's mom says goodbye.

After Humeera left, Mamah continued his remarks.

"You're old enough to understand all this. Mamah knows you're a smart kid, you must understand what Mamah's purpose is to do this."

Yeah, just want Mbak Caeera to be happy, and let me down.

Oh, my God, I'm so mean.

"Do you really agree, son?" That question, it hurts.

For a moment I stared intently at Mamah's eyes, then replied, "yes, I'm going back to Jogja."

Mommy frowned, "don't you still have five days here?"

"I can't stay here for long, I also need to calm down. What matters is that I agreed, right?" I said that while smiling wryly, indeed right now they only need my decision.

"Mama doesn't want you to be happy. You're young, you can find someone who's worth it or who can make you even happier."

What stale word is that? It is my heart's choice that makes me happy.

"Mamah did this as well because thinking about Caeera, she had lost her fiance and until now had not been able to open her heart. Mamah just wanted him to be like before," I hate to see Mamah crying, I can't bear it, my heart is getting hurt.

"You must have seen her change too? He became a tomboy and loved riding motorcycles."

"You see the man who can be close to him for five years is only Raksa. Mamah hopes she can turn Caeera into what she used to be. So, you please understand, Aeera."

If I was the only one trying to survive, it would be worth it.

Mamah's words are all right, Ma'am Caeera needs Mas Raksa more. He had lost his fiancee six years ago, in his bad times, he was able to get through that. And Mamah knows that only a male Mas Raksa can make Mbak Caeera laugh and feel comfortable. I understand that.

Even I myself consciously saw there were more of them both.

I nodded, "yes, tomorrow Aeera will return to Jogja. Their fiancee can title Mamah as soon as possible."

I stopped talking, and took a breath. "But don't expect more for me to be there when the show takes place. I'll come by myself if the disappointment is restored."

Mamah smiled in relief, "Mamah is sure you can take care of yourself, you are a smart and independent child."

"You go first, yeah. Going to Aunt Edrea's house to talk about a good date. You wanna come?"

I'm shaking. Good date? For Mbak Caeera and Mas Raksa's fiancee?

"You must not forget to eat, bathe, and restore your mind and energy. Mom hopes you can think more clearly, yeah, Aeera." Continue Mamah.

I kept quiet, just lowered my head, not even nodding. Y'all know? I cry in silence.

From the time Mamah spoke I was just staring at the dining table. After she left, I lifted my face and immediately wiped my tears. This time I got a hiccup, it turns out this painful, yes, let our loved ones go with others. I think it's easy.

I couldn't control my tears and my chest tightness, the more forced I was to stop crying, the harder I was to breathe.

I can only use my hands to wipe away all the tears that are dripping, "Aeera, you must be strong.”

"Aeera can do it. Humps.."

"God..“ Even my voice was not entirely smooth to come out, because it was so tight that my chest was at the moment.

“Please Aeera to stop crying."

No, can't stop. My crying is getting louder.

"Aeera's heart hurts!!!!" Shouted while clenching my hands on the table.

...🐣...

After successfully filling the stomach with a little food. I went back to the room. I decided to take a shower and clean myself up. After that I decided to put all my clothes in my suitcase. It's hard to leave this house, I should still be able to get together with the family in five days. But the circumstances forced.

I always take a breath so my tears don't fall. After putting all the clothes in the suitcase, I opted out of the room to the balcony. I want to breathe fresh air.

My eyes were glaring when I saw a motorbike similar to Mas Raksa's running slowly from my home. I don't know, maybe I'm just mostly thinking. I stood and looked at the view of this housing, my birthplace was also where I was disappointed.

This is where I started to drop my heart on him, Raksa Agler Buana. A very mature person, one who managed to create comfort for me. In fact, he managed to make me wait for so long, without any news. He was also the one who broke my heart to pieces, he was also the one who taught me the meaning of letting go. After believing in my worth to him, now I believe I am not who he is. I'm just a kid expecting an adult. I'm just a kid who's troubling his life. I'm just a selfless man, bravely anchoring a small ship to a great harbor.

I hope he will be happy.

“Ae! You're inside?”

The door was pretty loud I heard. It was accompanied by a familiar voice, Mas Buana. He kept calling my name and asking me how I was doing, but to answer even that, my strength was gone.

“Areea, replied Mas Buana!” He shouted again, I could only sob. Here, inside the barn, it's very dark. There is no light. I'm afraid, I'm always afraid that Dad's angry.

“Aeera do not behind the door, Mas want to break down, yes?” The Pinta Mas Buana.

Sayup I heard the conversation with someone else, “ada inside?”

“Iya. Help me break down, yeah. She traumatized equal darkness.” Answer Mas Buana.

“Aeera quiet, yes. You can get out soon.” This time there was the voice of Mas Damar who was no less panicked than Mas Buana.

My papa. Just returned from Denmark. He worked there, coming home only once a year. But every time he comes home he is angry.

I accidentally nudged a flower vase she bought years ago. Dad was furious, because the vase was so hard for him to get. As a result I was here, in a dark place that always left me helpless.

Mamah, Madam Humeera, and Mbak Caeera can never stem your emotions. They can't do anything.

Brakes...

Brakes...

Several times I heard the struggle of Mas Buana and Mas Damar.

BRACKET!

Finally the door opened. Mas Buana immediately hugged me who was in fear.

“Aeera is quiet, Mas is here. I won't stay Ae, okay?” He tried to win me.

“Aeera, if you're bad again, just tell Mas Buana. It will always be there for Aeera. Mas won't make you sad and scared anymore.” He is still in a position to embrace me.

I returned his embrace warmly, my feeling was already quite calm, because I saw the light source here.

“Ae quiet, Om again in the care of Mamah.” This time Mas Damar calmed me down, he stroked my hair gently.

“Remember, yes, you are never alone. Mas Buana always take care of you. So, Aeera can't be afraid.”

I take a rough breath when I remember the past. His sincere-sounding words, which managed to make me patiently wait for him. But, it all just vanished.

After getting a breath of fresh air, I chose to go back inside the room, picking up a small black backpack. Then take the phone that has been three days I deactivate it for me to put it in the bag. Not to forget other valuable items as well.

I'm ready, facing a new day without longing. But, a sense of disappointment.

...🐣...