Design: A Buana

Eps 16's

After I finished singing and calmed down a bit, yesterday I went straight away and ignored the applause from the guests. I chose to go into the room, because I know, the longer I stay, the less I feel.

This wound was painful, more painful than the wound he had scratched in the past. As it turned out, God gave a test to my heart the longer it weighed.

You know, disappointed by the trust in the people you love? Here I feel like I've been played by everyone. Starting from about Mas Raksa which is actually Mas Buana, until yesterday's incident. There was nothing preventing me from going deeper. Do they think I have no feelings?

I want to be angry, but, I feel like I'm the stupid one.

From yesterday I didn't stop crying, I don't know how many wipes I spent. I chose to sit on the floor next to the bed, bend my legs and immerse my head there.

I mourn everything that happened. Yesterday, happiness began to envelop my day, the result of my long wait was sweet, and I began to feel precious in her eyes. But now, look at my situation, I sat down crying and feeling empty. My eyes have swelled, and from yesterday I have not eaten.

The pain made my stomach not bother me, I just wanted to be here, alone and cry. Am I wrong?

Humeera knocked on my bedroom door and said, "Ae, let's eat. You are looking for catering, you should again enjoy the food you choose yourself."

Hearing her words, I grew sobbing. I still can't believe people like Humeera managed to hide this from me. And I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

I didn't notice every knock on the door. Mom also called me, "Aeera, eat! If you're sick, all the trouble." That's how Mamah, always hard on her three daughters.

What makes me sob even more is the knock and the words of Mbak Caeera, "Aeera, are you okay? We're talking good first, yeah. Don't think nothing."

The words from them happened gradually, maybe they were tired as well. Finally I just heard a call from Humeera Ma'am lately.

I think Ms. Caeera can always understand people's circumstances. She majored in psychology, but, does she not know the state of my heart, my feelings, and my current physique? If he knows, why is he this old?

Before yesterday, everything seemed fine. They seemed to never hide anything from me, even Mas Damar like supporting me to be with Mas Raksa. Although, sometimes he also mocked Mas Raksa with Mbak Caeera. Means here I'm the only big head?

I choose to play music with speakers, I choose the highest volume. The song that represents my current feelings I play, enough to make my heart a little calm, yet tears keep dripping.

After a long time in my room, my situation was very irregular, but I did not care because no one cared. I also chose to disable the phone, so I could calm down. Now my stomach feels a little hungry after two days and a night of not eating.

I saw the wall clock showing at ten o'clock in the night, must have all entered their respective rooms. Finally I chose to go outside the room, with the condition of a limp body makes my way slowly unlike usual. I was a little lazy when I realized that the living room on the lower floor of the light was still on, a sign that there was still someone there.

My footsteps slowed when I heard their conversation, Mamah and Madam Caeera. I chose to sit on my back against the second floor barrier so that they would not see my whereabouts.

"You still have to get married, this match cannot be annulled."

My body is getting weaker, it feels like my bones are now softening. Of course my tears started to come out again, my chest was also getting claustrophobic, plus my stomach kept ringing.

"But, Mah. I know Aeera's feelings now, I can't possibly be happy."

"You've thought carefully, Caeera! Mama knows what's best for you."

I bent my legs back and buried my face in my knees, my tears getting more and more, maybe not long to dry because of running out of fluid. I had to hold back the sound of sobs so they wouldn't know where I was.

"Mah! I studied psychology, I know very well Ae's heart and feelings now. Mental him, Mah. Mama should think about it!"

Mamah's tone of voice rose, "you don't think too much about the condition of others, think about your condition as well. Mamah took the decision not to mess around, yes Caeera. Mama also thought of cause and effect!"

From their conversation, I increasingly realized that it was indeed me and Mas Raksa not destined to be together. I'm getting saddened to hear their debate, I feel pitied by Ms. Caeera and I don't like this.

"Ae," the remark made me raise my face. Humeera, he managed to see my current condition.

She tried to hug me, but as much as I could. I don't need their actions for now, because I'm very disappointed.

"But, Mah. I don't-"

"Hey, stop!" Snapper Ma'am Humeera to Mamah and Mbak Caeera from upstairs, "Ae.." His words weakened as if to tell the two that I was here, so stop arguing.

I chose to walk to my room, my hunger was replaced with disappointment, hurt, guilt, all mixed up. I was sitting behind the bedroom door, really, my being here was like it was making things even less conducive.

"Can you not talk about this first?" I heard the tone of Humeera's mother's speech rising, only this time I heard her this emotional.

"Gue didn't know that Aeera was there."

"You can't seem to understand how he feels, don't even make it up"

I stood up and walked to the study table, so that their voices would no longer be heard. I wiped the tears violently then activated the computer and opened the Google app. I type something in there.

"Strategy of making decisions so as not to misstep." I murmured while holding back the cry.

Appearing a lot of blogs, I pointed the cursor at one of the blogs and opened it. There are five ways, but I'm focused on one, make the negative and positive impact that will be accepted.

Immediately I took the binder and opened it, then took the pen from its place. On the left side of the paper I write negative, and on the right side I write positive.

I took a breath, as much as possible holding back the crying. Okay, I'll start with the negative first. I prefer happy ending to sad ending.

If I still maintain my love, negative things that I will accept, my family conflict will get worse, Mamah is disappointed in me, and not necessarily Mas Raksa also has the same feeling.

Okay, I'm giving up. I put the pen on paper that I filled with three negative things, and only one positive thing. Even though I hope to be happy ending, in fact the will says otherwise.

With that result, I still doubt it. It feels very heavy if you have to let him go, especially with my own mother. If indeed they have been betrothed, why do they not prevent me from falling too deep. For what Mas Raksa spoke as if there was nothing to worry about. Why don't they just be honest?

I put my head on the table, I was still crying, confused as to what to do. I re-imagine the times Mas Raksa approached me, and the times when Mbak Caeera seemed to agree with our relationship.

"Humph, what should I do."

I decided to press the on button on Dad's old-school radio. I play random music from the radio, I put my face back on the study table. I took a breath and tried to stop crying.

"Okay guys, maybe you have another heartbreak? Or is there confusion again? Or feeling disappointed?" The voice of the radio announcer.

"Well, I have a song that suits you guys who are confused again, release him or not? Listen to this song, check it out!"

The music started to turn, though,

All night I thought

Really decision?

To let go and let

All this happened

I can't understand everything

But I'm studying

Love is liberating

When you truly love

Let him go, let him go

Give her wings so she can understand

That your love, that makes him fly high

This song really describes my current situation, is it true that I should let go of him? I have to let him go? I remember my promise long ago, if he already has a new source of happiness, I must forget him. But, it's very difficult.

When it turns out, the storm is troubling

Wiggling tranquility

To survive or give up

It's all a choice

I can't win everything

But I'm studying

Love is letting go

When you truly love

Let him go, let him go

Give her wings so she can understand

That your love, that makes him fly high

I was sobbing, but still thinking. About the meaning of the song. If I hold him back, I will destroy his happiness. I'll be a hindrance, and of course I won't.

I know, I should forget about him. But am I capable? Can't I be sad?

My crying was the disappointment I experienced. My cry was not an act of unwillingness to let go of her, but only the pain I expressed for real.

It turned out that letting go of him and accepting reality wasn't as easy as I thought. When I was waiting for him, I always prayed to God that he would be good and happy. Even I easily said that I would forget him if it had been owned by someone else, as long as he was happy.

But in fact, the words I used to charge for me to do now. I had to learn to let him go, even if it was hard.

Mas Raksa, Aeera knows your happiness is not with me. Love is not just about wanting to have, but love is about letting go. Be happy, flap your wings, because I don't want to be a hindrance.

...🐣...