Aryana Hanna

He makes me hate

It was as if all of these pseudo-thoughts were imprisoned in the depths of the heart. Drunk instantly, falling down without being able to get back up

Desire to achieve wishful thinking, ill-fated. All dreams are gone

Running in search of the safest hiding place, linked from the sign of a collapsed building. The body soul melts into one, like molten iron lava

Beauty is a mortal cradle, disappearing in time. This is where the beach stands, standing on the gallows

Embedded a short strap, just waiting for the sound of the clockwise seconds right leading to the number 12. The presence of all the stains attached to the whole life, a sign of wanting to release the Sukma

Dreams left behind memories. The seat was stolen

Threw sheets of cloth as white as coconut milk, lying on the surface of the table. They do not want to go back to despair

Has been broken bond shackled to the lame pain of pine

***

I saw him today, he was just riding a black ninja bike. Back when I was in Junior High school and started to get famous about the bike! yes ninja bike, I would love to have a lover who has a cool bike

Then when I entered SMK and then carried out PKL duties, I met with Big Brother cool and it turns out he has a vehicle that I like very much because it is certainly a model that is trending among Junior High School children in the past when I was in 1st Junior High

This smile disappeared, for some reason when I met him but I no longer want to have a lover who has a ninja motor anymore

I think the delusion remains a delusion. That's how I always throw away a child's dream when I feel the hardest disappointment in life

My mother kept blaming me for the housewife betrayal that Dad did to Mom

Of course I was very disappointed, why was I to blame. "What is my salak?" That was my question first

My mother said I was born into the world I should have made Dad keep the holy rope bond instead of betraying and then have another woman

Dad said he promised Mom that if you had a daughter you wouldn't go away and wouldn't look for a job far away. After birth girls are all different, even worse the household heresy

Shouldn't it be better that I wasn't born into the world, because my birth was a mistake.

When I was 12 years old, Dad used to come home. Another slow relationship Dad and Mom again improved not long after that Dad brought divorce papers from his young wife

but still they always fight to fuss the same problem, that's all

I found out I had a younger sister from a young woman's father, when I was in Middle School. It is fitting that they never get along again it turns out not only because Dad played gambling but also because he married again and had children from other women

I think it's appropriate that Mom gets mad at me easily maybe every time I make a mistake I'll be reminded of the weird story of her household

After all, I'm not your only daughter anymore.

After all passed then Brother got married and then had a son, the household life of Father and Mother is getting better and better

Left behind I am a person who still hangs my life to Dad and Mom because until now I am still unemployed, somehow it is very difficult for me to get a job. I applied here and there but have not been accepted by work as well as the application letter that I have sent long enough, there is no phone call.

I thought all the ways of my life would be fine, thinking that the painful past would not haunt me during this journey of life but all the bitter memories remain, I always lamented my bad taste. "Why should I be born into the world if I was the unlucky bearer" That is the question of my life whenever I feel sad

I used to not Dad Mom never snapped let alone hit, but after a tough test came as if I was just a prank that was always troublesome

Want me to run away but where should I hide? The fear of the torment of pain has haunted me for a lifetime until I could no longer think of reaching for the dreams of children, all the dreams have been shattered in my life

"Dad mother, can I still restore your lost happiness? I'm sorry your daughter is Mom's father, I haven't been able to be happy. Not yet able to give a box of cardboard tied to any ribbon for as a gift on Raya's day"

"Father Mother, you gave me a name that describes the feast of Eid al-Ad'ha because I was born that month. But why can't I give happiness like the good name you gave me? I have always given you the sorrow and torment of this terrible life. I'm sorry Mother Father, I really regret my inability to give happiness"

I always think about ending my life and then thinking back. How stupid of me, why can think so anyway I have to be more grateful because God Almighty still takes care of my life

I don't know why life is often inversely proportional. There are many children who do not get the right treatment, they are tortured so cruelly and despised then why do I keep quiet! I want to stay alive because I want to change things even if I can't change them completely

"Can I achieve my desire to change my bad destiny for the better, achieve a dream or will I just give up?" This cry always dripped like a drizzle of rain "I want to help but I can't, I want to free the shackles of pain. How strong the circular cage that is always padlocked tightly is very difficult to open without a key, searched everywhere bronze key rods but have not met also"

A tiger will not kill its own child.

However, why would any human being behave like an "animal" cat? Eating the flesh and blood of his own son, is it worth doing so? Not feeling sad? Don't you have compassion?

It was always what I thought whenever I accidentally saw the shadow of a lost child 'Having died' how painful and sick it was. How should I help her, beg her?! Sometimes the child's visible shadow refuses to go home, how sick and broken. I want to force it but I can't

The ghostly ghost of the woman in the white dress always told me "That being a ghost is no better than being a withered flower, at least you still have life to reach for hope" Whenever I feel down and sad, it is in my heart that I always remember that I will never give up in living each step of my life

"They-they said I didn't have to be afraid" That is what I listen to every time I accidentally see or meet them because they will not disturb or hurt if not hurt or disturbed first

The woman in the white dress also always taught me that we live in different realms, then I should still live in my life even though I can sometimes intersect life in their nature and he also reminded that we can also be friends as living beings alongside nature not a daily friend of life. So it could be wrong to think of them as the position of friends as humans

(Note Diary Tgl December 16, 2019. Signed I want to reach for my dream that has been lost stolen time)

Hana Aryana, born May 21, 1995