A Dusty Photo's

Chapter 16: I love you but I hate you more

...- A Dusty Photo...

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..._Month...

My first break came out of class. Han who was making lunch in the back garden also broke away and ended up eating near me. Felix also came to class. He ate my budhe-made stuff. Because I don't want to eat anything.

I put my head on the table. Drown your face so that you can't be seen by anyone, even if there's no one else in the class except Felix and Han.

"Eat first, Lan." Felix touched my arm. He wiggles it once in a while but I don't give a response.

"Taste budhe lo delicious. Next time bring more, Lan." Felix said with a mouth full of food. I let out a breath. More provisions that I wanted to eat with Abra, although there will still be Felix and Han but the initial intention is for Abra. I smiled bitterly.

"Han." claustrophobic when I called Han's name. My heavy voice made the two men stop playing the spoon and fork. Focused themselves on me. But I still haven't raised my head.

"Lix."

"Guruan. Lo serem is that." Felix said annoyed.

"I'm on the phone."

I don't know who was really upset but I heard spoons and forks being thrown against the table. I'm getting claustrophobic. Wanna cry.

"Huh, after all this time." Felix's voice was much more upset than before.

"How should you go?"

"What's he saying?" han asked more gently than Felix before.

"You miss Mami?" I raised my head. Letting my long hair fall apart covers half of the face. "That's."

"Lo's answer?"

"Gue's not sure of my answer."

"Should have said it, No. If you can use a lot of exclamation points." I don't know why Felix is getting upset.

"My mood's broken." I add.

"Either." Felix said as he closed the lunchbox.

Han stood up, "go buy some milk first."

Felix tidied up everything on my desk. He had wanted to stand up and also pulled my hand to be invited. Maybe find a cooler place to keep my mind a little clear. Yes, even if it's just a little.

But I am not strong standing. My stomach was cramping violently and my chest was tight for a moment. It feels like the whole blood vessel is stopped when it is about to walk towards the heart. My abdominal muscles as in the pull from many sides make the stiff unstoppable. I bit my lips while holding my stomach and a second later I was lying in the UKS room. With Han sitting next to me and Felix somehow holding my backpack. It also seems to be his.

"It hurts so much, Lan?" the first question I heard from Han.

"Yes." Yeah."

"Sip. Then we can skip class."

I'm a little confused. Ah, not a little. Completely confused.

"Gue's been pesen grab, he's waiting outside. I'm the same Felix also asked for permission from the picket teacher. We're allowed to go back first."

"Related, Lan. I don't want to take anthropology classes." Felix grabbed my arm and my smile just flashed. Funny too. This is the first time I've ever skipped college with them.

•••

"Who's phone, Lix? How to use my phone?" ask me when we get in the car.

"Sabrank."

"Ngabarin if you are sick. You see, when you passed out, he was not in class." I sighed at Felix's reply.

"Gue isn't that important to her life."

"Ngabarin, Lan. He's afraid he's gonna scream."

All the way to Budhe house I don't know why it feels like I don't want to discuss anything about Abra. Whether it is related to group learning or not. Along the way I saw only crowded Jakarta from behind the glass car. I refused to talk to Felix and Han was beside me. Until we went down in front of the yard and greeted Juna with his pyjamas.

"Juna? Lo truant?" han's first question when Juna helped me to get out of the car. That guy took me home.

"Gue got word from Abra. Why don't you gabarin me?"

"No thought." after answering a question from Juna and answering it very honestly I was even annexed by Juna. Be ill.

Inside the house unceremoniously Felix turned on the televivi. It's possible to dilute the situation because I haven't spoken to him since. Han also looked uncomfortable. I feel guilty.

"June? What kind of snack is that? Kasian my friend is tired." I asked Juna who was cool scrol tiktok.

"Lix? The han? You wanna poke, don't you?" Juna turned off his phone to stand up and walk to the room, "Gue wants to go ahead buy a lick."

I patted the jidat.

"Lo want to poke too, Lan? I want to go with Juna like that." Felix.

"My stomach hurts, Lix." Felix said, "but if the ice cream wants to."

Then Felix smiled. Han too.

"Gue here is the Moon."

Juna and Felix are gone. It looks like Juna also all shopping needs because he brought a small folded grocery bag and put it in the shirt pocket.

After the departure of Juna and Felix, Han moved to sit near me. Immediately and without excuse I dropped my head on his shoulder. Crying without a sound. Han did not comment. Don't react and let me do what I want. For ten minutes I sobbed. The radiation is congested and my nose is filled with fluid that blocks the airway. I finally raised my head.

"Thank you" I said as Han thrust out a tissue.

He didn't say what. Just look at me and smile at how my face is blushing right now.

"Hanin." I hit his arm.

"You cry because I'll let it go, but if it's because of someone else I hope to know a little story." Han is still staring at me. And I'm really interested in telling stories. All about my feelings this morning. About Abra and Anastasya. The last time I got to ditch for some reason.

I don't deserve to cry for Abra because she's who she is. Whereas how I cried for nyokap suddenly it hurt my self-esteem.

Kangen, huh? Let me ask you about kangen and I will answer with doubt. Ja. I'm kangen.

Although there are not many sweet memories I can remember about him. But I miss him. The way he counsels me when my replay value is bad. The way he woke me up when I failed to pedal a bike. Or when he grabbed me when I firsthand witnessed my parents' quarrel. Those are the memories I miss. I remember the one I missed.

I try to erase all my affection to nyokap or bokap. Replace it with something new. In fact it can't. They were always present and made me fail to breathe a sigh of relief.

He said, no matter how bad their parents still contributed in giving birth to us. Presenting me in the world. For this one I'll thank you. But other things, I refused. No one wants to be born into the world to bear the burden. Or born to watch a fight. Me included.

I never wanted to be born to carry a burden. And I'm not grateful for that.

I love to kiss me. But the hate I have is bigger than the love itself.

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