On Whose Lips Will These Tears I Drop

Dad It's Not Me Who Killed Your Wife

I'm still in my mother's belly, if I knew my life would be like this, I'd better get old and just get buried in her belly. That is impossible, because in the history of human creation and human birth or even the pregnancy of a woman, God has never done a miracle about an old woman who gave birth to a child who died at an old age. It had never happened, so my mind was just a wishful thinking that would never be fulfilled.

That was the moment I was born. I was getting ready, of course, by opening both my eyes and my mouth. If I was born, I would like to see my father and mother, because only they always greet me when I am not working to change the shape of my body in my mother's stomach.

"Let's be good at father, you must be healthy and strong, so that when father is not at home you can be the pride of father to take care of mother."

Such voices I often hear, to the point that I forget about my birth. From inside my mother's belly I soared wanting to get out, although several times there was a no-man's voice entering faintly into my eardrum,

"Not now, not yet,"

I did not care about it, in the end, I also came out of the mother's womb with an imperfect body condition so that my hands and face were not formed properly.

I don't blame anyone, but from that incident, the mother who was very much loved father instead died because he was unable to hold the blood that came out of his body. Even though I was just born then, I already understood the circumstances. At that moment my father looked at me with a very fierce look. His eyes were red with tears, his hands were trembling like he wanted to hit my still soft body.

"Killer! You murderer! Why would you show up if only to kill. Fucking kid!" So the first words of the father that he threw into my ear, that I did not cry when I was born. For to me that cry is the happiest way to greet a simple meeting.

Immediately wrapped in cloth, an almost old woman immediately grabbed me and hurled a few sentences at father,

"What you say is, let alone to embrace him, you even give a bad lesson to him. Look at this body! Still covered in blood you've been listening to him. What if he grows up with you. Fucking men. That's why I don't approve of your marriage, because I already believe you're a bad man."

"Ah, stupid time with this killer baby. Mom, I don't think you'll have any more doubts about the love I gave your son. Look at all my sacrifices, from the unseen, from the starving to the excessively human. The love and affection I give and I get from your child exceeds the love of an******** at his sin. So, am I wrong if I kill this killer!" So said my father while pointing at my face.

My grandmother didn't talk anymore, she just kept quiet and hugged me full of tears. I don't know, what kind of feeling is inside dad, to the point that he says I'm his wife's killer.

Time turned around, and the days changed to weeks, months and years. This year is my eighth year living as a murderer.

*****

I was called my Grandmother by the nickname Ladri, a combination of father and mother names. Wulan and Andri, two letters of the mother's name and three letters of the father's name. Although I have never experienced a decent life like other babies, I do not feel so lacking, because I believe, there will be no woman above this world who is able to give love and affection to the creature of God, even though it is her own child. And I got it all from a mother who gave birth to a child who never had time to suckle me.

When he was eight years old, he gave me a message. At that time we were sitting in the wilderness of the house looking at the changing aging world.

"Ladri, if you miss your father and mother, close your eyes and dream that you are happy with them. Do not be discouraged, the happiness of a child that he gets from his father and mother can also be easily obtained without restrictions wherever it is. Close your eyes and smile."

When Grandma told me that, I learned from that moment to be happy in my own eyes.

But my happiness with him was not long, only a fraction of my age. I was seventeen years old, three days after my age he died. I don't know, what kind of sense is urgent for me to scream through tears. It's hard for me to tell you, only my father remembers me, maybe it's like seeing someone we love so much is gone. Very sore. Maybe that's why you hate me, because I can't replace your mother as her jewel. Lord do not introduce anyone in my life, I can no longer bear witness to death to those I love.

*****

Grandma I buried what a burial my Lord recommended. From then on this story will begin, the true love story. Although no one will love me at least, I will close my eyes and have a romance with any woman I like.

Women who will never be my wife, through the most romantic words, I ask permission from all of you. Please let me be naked with you in my eyes. Please let go and free yourself in my dreams.

*****

The morning had just docked carrying dew from the sky. I sat where I often sat when I told stories and looked at the aging of the world with my grandmother. I can't be like this, I have to open my eyes and hit the real world. I don't want my lack of body to be an obstacle to my survival. If I die without offspring, then the maternal and Grandmother lineages in this world will also become extinct. I have to get married and fight hard for a change in the world.

On the table was a cold cup of coffee. I snuck up a few times my black coffee, after that I came out of the house carrying a torso that would be a do'a for anyone who saw it.

"My God, may my son not be like that pathetic man." If anyone prays to see me, I will pray too, may their prayers be granted by God, for being a person like me is the worst choice of life.

"Hey, Ladri where are you going? I rarely see you out of the house. Where are you going?" The voice was from someone whose fate was almost exactly the same as mine, only that he was not accused of being a murderer and his body was also complete there was not the slightest lack. Similar to me, we were both born without being breastfed by a mother. His name is Ardi. I approached him, he also tried to approach me to get under a tree trunk by the side of the road.

"I want to go out from inside me, I want to see the real world, the world without eyes."

"That's what I want from you, my friend. I have wanted to take you away from this country. Like the verse you wrote, the great country has no profit door to return home. I know, it must be your house that imprisoned you."

"What if we leave this country, we leave all the stories and we start a new story. Wherever it goes."

"But,"

"Trust me my best friend, if to change our lives we must get out of a life that doesn't want to see us change."

"Where should we go?"

"There are many places that we can occupy, even if only the story, at least there is already a picture of the big country, a country that all corners are doors. So we will not be difficult to find a way if we get lost to want to go home. How's it?"

"Do you think any woman would want me there? I want to feel how in love it is" I begged him a little.

"No need to doubt about women, women are like iron, the bigger the magnet in your body the iron will stick by itself. No need for your place to jump, the bad background is not a problem if the object is fit for them to wear in their hearts what else is impossible.

"You mean?"

"Why is that?"

"So you know that women don't look at looks, but the certainty of life is what they prioritize."

"Do I have to love a woman in my own work?"

"If it can change lives, what's wrong. Ladri, you have to really concentrate on something that has a high value in you. Your verses and verses are so heart-breaking for the mouth that tells the story to her heart. I believe you wrote a saga about an old man with red and yellow balloons in his hands, all old men will cry but it is the cry of childhood that they accidentally lament in old age because of your writing."

"Well Ar, I'll try to forgive myself."

"That's my new best friend, without further ado, tomorrow we go where the wind takes us."

*****

I've prepared all the gear I'm gonna take with me somewhere with Ardi. All my obligations have been carried out first, starting from the pilgrimage to the tomb of my mother and the person I love the most, of course my grandmother to find out about the whereabouts of father. For Dad, I don't know where he is now maybe he has completely forgotten me.

Goodbye to my home, goodbye happy story. Grandma, I go, our story will be introduced to the world, that there is a sad man who has Heaven under the soles of the feet of a woman who gave birth to a child who failed to give her milk.

I began to walk, sometimes my gaze still to the house. Lord, give me strength.

"Ladri is that you?"

"Yes, it's me."

"Don't ask where we're going, just follow your heart's instincts, if the place is safe and worthy for us to stop by then that's where we settle."

I just nodded, not saying much to heed all the explanations.

Not long after that a car passed by.

Ardi inhibited the car's speed, standing right in the middle of the road waving his hands.

"Sir, can we come?"

"Where are you going?"

"Wherever you take us along."

"Alright, please go up"

Ardi smiled faintly at me. The bag that somehow contained what he put first in the back tub after that he jumped. I also follow what he does. He shouted I was also trying to be happy in that shout. Suddenly from behind the tarp that was piling up there was a little boy who was not so much different in age from me, maybe he was eleven to twelve years old. He looked at us full of weirdness. Ardi and I looked at each other and saw the boy again.

"You who?" Ask Ardi slowly.

"I'm Anu" he replied as he exited the tarp pile.

"Anu? Anumu," Ardi replied with a wry smile at her and at me. It was strange with the name of the boy. Anu.

We talked all the way. Our faces turned in the same direction, a hill that did not say goodbye, but from the birds flying in the rice field it is very clear that they are saying carefully abroad.

Our story is getting longer. Anu said he left because he could no longer live with his step-family.it actually he had a very good father to him but his stepmother did not. So going is the best way to determine the path of life. Yes, at least in the world where later he can be a garbage collector or busker. The more we slept the night.

The noise and the sound of the horn entered my eardrum. I wasn't fully conscious, Ardi suddenly touched my shoulder, then said, "Ladri, Ladri, wake up. Look! We've arrived, this is Heaven Ladri, Heaven!"

I wiped both my eyes, and tried to look at the incredible luxury, Anu also did the same thing just a little excessive. He picked up a book in his bag, then he rolled it up and then he put it in his mouth and shouted.

"Heiiii, Hoiii, we have come"

Me and Ardi just smiled.

our ride-hailing car had stopped on a bumpy trip.

"Come down, my journey is still far away and you are not good to come again because the place is not a place to wander. Stay here and fight."

"Yes, thank you sir" I replied as I gave a hand of gratitude.

The car has gone.

Now there lived a strange man who marched by the side of the road gazing at the incredible world.