Mom, Why Am I Different?
Chapter 25
Since that day Roy has often been to my house to just eat and play with Luna. That made Luna closer to Roy. It even made her slowly forget about Niko who was almost a few months away from visiting her.
“Luna, Om Roy go home first, because it's night," said Roy while standing from his seat.
"why should Om go home, Luna still wants to play with Om Roy," replied Luna as she raised her head towards Roy who was already standing.
“Honey listen to Mother well yes, Om Roy must go home because tomorrow he has to work, God willing if Om Roy off he will play again with Luna. Yeah, isn't it Om?" I said as I sat beside Luna and stroked her long hair.
"Yes, God willing Sunday Om play again, how about Sunday tomorrow we take a walk to the zoo, there Luna can see a lot of animals that Luna has never known," roy smiled clearly.
"Yes, Om did not lie ‘kan," said Luna with great enthusiasm.
"Dear, then Om can go home now, right?" roy asked with a smile and rubbed Luna's head gently.
"Well, Luna wait for Sunday, Om," replied Luna while standing and hugging Roy's body.
"Om go home first, Assalamualaikum," said Roy as he walked away from my house.
"Waalaikumsalam, be careful on the road do not forget Sunday om!" shouted Luna while waving her hand to Roy who had walked away.
***
While Luna and I were tidying up the toys that were still scattered on the floor. Roy who had just arrived at his house immediately rushed to perform magrib prayer at a mosque. Somehow Roy's mind today is fixed on Rani a figure he knew since childhood.
"You're still the same Rani I used to know, Rani who is gentle but so strong in living this life" Roy said as he lay on the sofa staring at the ceiling of his house.
Unlike me, I who have ever felt the pain of living in a household was still afraid to step forward. I still feel the trauma of the past in every day. Let alone to marry into a relationship as a lover with the opposite sex only I am still afraid.
For a moment I remembered how Niko treated me back then. Meaning, insults even blows I often get until I am depressed. Even with the heart to abort my 6-month-old womb which caused Luna to experience a deficiency in her hearing. Without feeling a tear back down as I recall the wound I kept tightly.
"Dad, Mother I am longing for your embrace, your daughter is not doing well right now," my inner self shedding tears and lying next to Luna who was sleeping in her sleep.
***
The day that awaited arrived, Roy kept his promise to invite Luna to go to the zoo. After cooking some food for lunch there we left with happy hearts. Roy, my little friend, painstakingly took Luna and showed her some of the animals in the zoo. Until we were enjoying lunch, Roy asked me something that surprised me.
"May, please," I replied as I turned to him and smiled.
“Do you have no thoughts of opening your heart again?" roy asked, looking at me, to my surprise.
"Not yet, I still enjoy my role as a Father and Mother for Luna, besides, what is on my mind right now is how I can be a good mother for my daughter and try to become a better writer even though I know my many shortcomings in writing story," I replied while drinking a cold drink that was in my grasp.
"Then until when will you continue to be alone, do you not think about the feeling of Luna who really misses the figure of a father," Roy replied as he looked at Luna who was busy playing in front of us.
"I've thought about it before, but somehow the more I think about it the wounds I keep always come back to my mind, maybe that's what makes me still comfortable with solitude," I answered with a smile and looked down.
“Do you still love Niko? And hope he comes back to you," asked Roy to make me turn to him in surprise.
“Hope to come back and love is no more, it's just that I feel sorry for his life now" I replied with a smile.
"Pity?" roy asked who was confused by my answer.
"Yes somehow I feel sorry for her life at this time she seems to have so much weight in the current marriage, but I try not to interfere too much with his household because Niken is his choice so let him enjoy what he has chosen" I replied as I continued to stare at Luna.
"Then what if I loved you, would you accept me to be a surrogate father to Luna?" roy's words really confused me even I couldn't say anything after hearing his question.
“Mother, Luna sleepy,” said Luna while hugging me to make me realize from my long daydream.
"Dear, let's go home now, yes" I said to Luna, holding her.
"Let me hold Luna better you bring her doll," said Roy while taking Luna from my sling.
That afternoon we went home awkwardly, there was no conversation going on between me and Roy. Even when I got home I just thanked him and went inside. After putting Luna to sleep I immediately took my laptop and rewrote the story that was delayed.
word for word I try to assemble in my writing, even the declaration of love of my childhood friend was written neatly in the novel that I currently make. almost an hour I tried to find the word and string it up, until somehow I suddenly remembered Roy's expression of love for me. This doubt and fear re-entered my heart and mind.
“Is it possible that Roy my dear friend sincerely loves me with my status of only a poor widow with one child?" write me in the online story that's in front of me right now.
Until now I have not given any answer to him, even when I met him I tried to divert his question. Not because I rejected it, but the trauma and fear and pain of my ex-husband's abusive treatment still lingers in my heart and mind. So I don't want to experience the same thing when I choose to remarry.
