ABHIMANYU WORLD

Chapter CI: Fragile

*God, if I may ask for a wish, then please take my life, or just take my brain so I can forget everything that happened in the past.

Or for example, my request is too excessive, then just move me to the other side of the world that is foreign without anyone to find. Take me to the corners of the world without inhabitants, on a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean or in the depths of the Amazon jungle, so that I can make friends with animals, talk to plants and rocks. I want to be crazy, to be happy.

My dear Lord, if necessary remove my name from the history of human civilization. To hell with the academic inscriptions, I don't care! I just want to be alone in the quiet, away from the boisterous heart-wrenching world. Let me age with time. Let me be broken to the brink, for I am indeed a man unworthy of tasting the delicacy of love. I just want to die*!

I wrote it at the end of my agenda book. I must not cry, for I am a man who does not shed tears. Let this record be a witness to the outpouring of my sorrow, as well as a protest to God for the injustice of life. How not? I've tried to be a good human being, but what do I get? It is a matter that is not really described by words. Was this fair?

As my other friends struggled with the happiness of finding a life partner, I fell into a stuffy rented room. This matter is so indescribable, like being subjected to thousands of prayers. Why should I experience this? Why should I?

I had tried hard to lose Lusi, but when Dahlia said the words, I felt like the ship lost its rudder, swayed in the middle of the ocean. Or should I just take a gulp from the insect-killing fluid in that barn, so that this heart stops beating?

An uncomfortable feeling enveloped the heart all day. I turned off my phone because I didn't want to receive messages from anyone. It takes time to heal this wound. I can barely afford it. Want to hear a sad song, later there will weaken the heart. So how? Sitting feels wrong. Lying down is uncomfortable too. My brain kept spinning around, triggering vertigo.

Can I die now, Lord?

I'mawakened. Apparently the heavy load on the brain had crippled my spirit. All day I did nothing, even the final task that I had to finish, even left untouched. He tried to lie down, even overslept. Waking up was already afternoon, almost four o'clock. Astaghfirullah, I do not pray Zuhur? It feels lazy to get out of the room. Maybe I'll be locked up in this room forever.

The next day, my condition was also unstable. I tried to take a short walk in the quietest place in the world, the village cemetery. I hope that this time I can exchange places with the bodies lying under the tombstone. The cemetery atmosphere is very quiet, but I don't care. Let this silence kill me slowly, along with the frangipani blossoms.

By midday, I was getting ready to go home. Appetite seems to be destroyed, strangely also does not feel hungry. The smell of meatballs that usually pinch the stomach also seems to not react. I just want to be alone, enjoy the solace in silence. The phone is still dead. I was lazy to open it. Even if I could, I'd like to slam that thing to pieces!

I arrived at the contract tired. I lay this useless body, hoping to close my eyes for a moment. Not having closed my eyes, I suddenly heard the door being knocked. Really, I don't want to meet anyone. Why is there someone who doesn't know himself knocking at the door? Should I write ‘do not accept guest’ on the doorstep?

The knocking was heard repeatedly. Curiosity forced me to get up and peek out from behind the curtain I had accidentally closed. Oh, my God, isn't that Dahlia? Why did he knock on my door? Was he going to wash this wound with salt water? I saw his worried face. It must be a mask he was wearing.

I just fell silent, clenching my mouth tightly. I watch Dahlia's movements, like watching a clothesline. Anyway, I don't want to see him. I saw him calling many times, but of course his efforts failed because I had to turn off the phone. Congratulations on losing me, Dahlia!

Dahlia passed, and the night was coming. The silent rented atmosphere was almost no occupant except me. Farhan has moved, Andre is still at his in-laws' house. Doni is rarely in contract. At a time like this, I miss their presence. I'm so alone in loneliness, I don't know what to do.

After Isya, the door was knocked back. I turned off the room lights to make them invisible from the outside. From inside the room, this time I saw Darwis knocking. What'd he do here? Want to laugh at my stupidity or something? I don't want to meet him either. This disappointment coagulates like a malignant tumor in the liver. All this time he lied to me about being with Dahlia.

The beats that I ignore quite often, no matter what Darwis is thinking. Obviously, I don't want to meet anyone. I need peace to restore my mental health. I used to be able to get up when I lost Lusi, this time I should also be able to. Unfortunately the process to pass through is not as easy as flicking a thumb. It takes a lot of sacrifice. I ignored the knock until it disappeared on its own.

I looked at the pile of final tasks that were still rising. There's something pressing in the chest. If this final task is neglected, how disappointed the family will be. The sadness felt unbearable. How am I supposed to get through this, God?

Within minutes, I realized I had to forget everything. That's impossible for me as long as I'm still in this contract. I have to go far away, forget all the memories that exist in the city of Surabaya. I don't know. It seems like going where no one cares either. At least three or four days, you can definitely forget all the memories.

Where am I supposed to go?

Returning home to Jombang did not solve the problem. There will even be many questions for my mother. Not to mention later if you meet with Mr. Turonggo who always encourages me to immediately tie Laras. In Jombang, instead of me being calm, it will cause new problems. So where am I supposed to go? To Ethiopia?

With a step gontai back I tour this city without any definite purpose. My brain is getting messed up, I just want to leave this city, travel to a foreign land. No matter how much I have to pay for this. I have to erase all the shadows of Dahlia still sitting in the brain. It's not easy, but I'm sure I can.

My jaws were grinding, holding back all the arcing flavors. Unknowingly, a dozen clothes I had packed neatly in a backpack. My determination is unanimous, just execute to be real. I'm gonna go.

Bali, I’m coming....

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