There's Always Room to Go Home

DISINTEGRATED

Two pairs of eyes looked at me full of mystery, they did not say anything, looked at each other, it was uncomfortable to be in this state.I want to run away from this state, I want to run away from it, but my body is still so weak, I can't do it. My long, drawn breath slowly filled my lungs and exhaled with patience, my chest tightened again considering the last time I left Ezra and ended up in this Hospital, she said, lying helplessly without knowing what happened after that night. Both my eyelids began to get wet, trying to cover up the lara I felt so that the two of them did not see how fragile I was right now. Pretending not to care about Ezra's arrival, I grabbed my phone and opened the message that had been piling up for a few days. There was a message from Dad, just last night.

"Khansa, you don't have to go home, don't take your disgrace home, you're not our son anymore!"

As my world shattered for the umpteenth time, my heart was broken many times even by those closest to me. I couldn't face all this, my phone was already scattered on the floor because regardless of the grip, my body was shaking, I really no longer had anyone. “Is God with me?”

“Yes Allah, why don't you just take my life if no one wants me,” I wail.

“Khansa, you still have me, remember?” Freya tried to calm me down.

Seeing me drop after opening the phone, Ezra immediately picked it up from the floor and looked at my phone screen. Ezra was growing speechless, his gaze deepening with compassion. 

"I hate that look."

I turn my face away from those who try to give me strength so that I am firm and ready to accept destiny. "Leave me alone!" 

With a heavy heart Freya let go of her grasp and left me, but not with Ezra still silently staring before me. I couldn't understand her, I wasn't her lover or her family, but she was watching me. This complicated relationship, I don't want it.

"Khansa, I'm sorry I– that night I'm late nolongin you." With trembling lips, Ezra apologized as if all this was his sin.

"I told you, stay alone!"

"Okay, I'll see you later, right?"

"Please, go, Za!" I actually made Ezra go and meet Freya outside.

"Why are you still here?"

"I'm sure you're not looking for it."

"Ish." 

"Gue was worried about Khansa, she had no one."

"There I am, I am obviously his best friend, who are you?" 

“My intentions are good here, so mending us a cooperation to help you Khansa. I have reported it to the police, the autopsy results have also come out, we can know who did it.”

Something big happened to me and they hid it from me. I, in deep depression after knowing it was from a nurse, thrashed like a madman who lost control of myself.

They thought I couldn't hear their chatter, hid a big secret from me and thought I didn't know what had happened for almost a week of unconsciousness. “Can I live the days after this with the trust that has vanished?” I couldn't say a word, silence, everything was gone from my life.

•••••

The next day I was transferred to a rehabilitation room for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), escorted by Ezra and Freya accompanied me. I decided to take a college leave after the incident that night. Both campus friends and lecturers will definitely give a cynical look if after days of not showing up on campus and then attending class with my situation getting worse, he said, they will think negatively about me.

For 5 months I was on medication, psychotherapy and was allowed to go home. Occasionally still see the Doctor outside the room to be more relaxed.

“Freya, do you have any acquaintances? I need a job to pay the cost,” my question to Freya who is busy in front of the laptop.

“Hm, just ask my friends, come in first don't stand at the door,” Freya's word gives a hand gesture. I went into his room and laid my body on his bed. Freya then looked for info on the groups she owned.

“Sorry yes, so take care of you again.”

“Casual aja time, Sa.” … “There are some owongan anyway only most full time. Only waitres with bartenders who can freelance, how?”

“Not anything else? really risky if working in a bar?”

“Every job has its risks, Sa.”

“Iya anyway..”

“In addition you can take care of yourself, you once hit Leon when I was drunk heavily.”

I thought for a moment, “Oh that, but in conditions out of control still bad events can happen to me, right.”

My statement made Freya speechless. I had no other choice, as soon as possible I had to work to stay in this place. I ended up working as a bartender at the club at night and calmed down during the day instead of just laying in my bedroom to sleep. Almost every afternoon before leaving for work I went to Green Village Gedangsari alone, sitting in the gazebo while enjoying the beauty of nature from a height, looking at the sunset who never complained that he had to go for a moment, he said, he never really left and the people who loved him never really forgot him. Seeing all this beauty made me contemplate, how small I feel in this world, I am nothing to man on this earth nor to my Lord. 

The air here is so cool, I have to supply this fresh air to my lungs before I get into the club to work. “You're really ready to work?” asked a young woman who dedicated herself to accompany me to recover from the trauma.

“I've been preparing for these two weeks. So, I should be ready, right?” answers reassuring.

“Call me immediately if anything happens, okay?”

“Good, Doc.” After saying goodbye, I went to the club to work.

Look, I'm like a diamond that's been smashed to pieces. I've tried to rearrange the pieces, but it's not as beautiful as before, there are still many fine fragments scattered, I can't collect let alone fix it. During the healing process the doctor and the medical team put on a more covered outfit in a long-sleeved suit, which got me used to it. Unlike the old days who often wore hotpants and open clothes because the weather was very hot. Clothes with long sleeves made me more comfortable, at least the male gaze was not too focused on my body, but I did not have much, there was not enough money to buy it.

From now on I have to live alone, support myself, and make myself useful at least to myself. My mental and physical needs to be that strong. 

“Am I capable of all this?” A question came to my mind and I never found the answer. I hope someday I can get that answer before I finally have to go back to the Creator. It was me trying to be a strong innocent girl.

•••••

“I'm working, go! you bother me, see he's going to order a drink,” I said as I showed a man who had just arrived.

With sarcastic face Ezra watching the man I mean, “From the many job openings, why did you choose a place like this?” ezra asked with an annoyed face.

“I want to work where it's none of your business, so don't bother me.”

Hearing my telling answer, Ezra reached into the phone in his pants pocket and called someone. “Why Khansa can get to work in the bar?” … “Why don't you tell me?” … “Then it is not safe to work in a bar, you know yourself a lot of jerk guys here.” … “Yaudah, okay.”

“I also want to order, make me mojito.” 

“You're like a parasite, just wait.” 

I finished my work after making a mojito of Ezra's order. It's early morning, I have to pack my things and go home before the people here start getting sober from drunk.

“Khansa, I'll take you home.” Ezra was waiting for me and opened the door for me.

I'm a little evasive, “What did you get like this for? didn't I tell you to go then?.”

“Ah, Khansa you still brought up the matter, you misunderstood. Let's go in first I will explain everything,” persuaded Ezra to pull my right hand to get into his car, but I managed to fend off.

“Care now, here, I'll listen.”

“Not here, Khansa. We're talking in the car.”

“What if I end up in the Hospital again?”

“Gosh, that's not going to happen. You can directly hit me if anything.”

After thinking about it, I was willing to be driven home by him, but I had to check his car, make sure it was completely safe. Once I make sure it's safe, then we leave. On the way home Ezra explained everything, that the incident in the apartment was just a misunderstanding. The man in his apartment was his older brother who had just returned from a business trip in Australia, he only stopped for a while and did not know that I was in his apartment. 

“Why don't you say that there is me, or you say that there is your brother, let alone your brother is perverted, evil once deliberately make my heart almost loose.” I'm emotionally stirred.

“OK, I'm sorry.”

“You really did it on purpose.”

“No, Khansa .. I also didn't know that Nathan's brother was suddenly in the Apartment.”

“Please stop for a moment!”

“What do you want?” tanya Ezra stopped her car.

“Out.”

Ezra's still holding me back.

“Open the door, or my fist drifts.”

Finally, Ezra opened his car door. I got out of the car and went to the Indomaret point, no matter if he was after me. Buy a bottle of mineral water to take a pill with a hide and a glass of hot coffee to trick Ezra, pretending to drink it in a point cafe chair. For a moment Ezra just looked at me from the outside, then came to me who was relaxing enjoying the steeping of coffee on a night as cold as the day I was powerless to face my life, it was almost crazy, it was almost crazy, I'm honestly not that strong.

“I'm almost crazy Za, my goal here is to improve my situation, penitent, also want to visit Eyang's house. Since Mom died, Dad never took me to go to meet Eyang in Jogja, but instead now I'm damaged in a mess, become trash for my own family and end up like this, he said, just showing my face I don't have courage.”

“What are you talking about, Sa. You are still as beautiful as ever, there is nothing different.”

“You too, same as Freya, sok-sokan care about women trash as I do what?”

“Khansa– you are not drunk, right? talk you digress, let's go home, let me take.”

“I'm not drunk, I don't have a house, I'll be here until morning.”

“Khansa, don't be like this, please.”

“For what to plead, if in the end everything is in vain. You better go, stay with me.”

“You know that I'm stubborn, so I'll stay here.”

“Then I'll go.” I just left Ezra.

I walked with a cup of coffee in my hand, while Ezra just kept following me behind without saying a word. I finished the coffee and I dumped the glass in the yellow bin. My steps continued until the end of the road. My filthy thoughts regained possession, I was desperate, wanting to end my life. I was so tired of pretending to be strong, my sanity was almost gone.

Ezra pulled my hand tightly until it sank into her embrace, again.

“You are not alone, Khansa,” he said calmed me down then took me to the car before I completely lost control.

“I can't, I want to end this suffering, why are you preventing me?” I said more and more, making Ezra more worried. Ezra listened to my babbling while driving forward his car.

“I'm here, Sa. I'll help you, but please hold on.” 

“Za, I'm almost crazy. You're full of secrets that I already know. About what happened that night and what you were talking about in the hospital, I heard, even my own father threw me away for thinking I was trash, living alone. If you're in my position now, can you still live quietly?” Hearing my unexpected words, Ezra stopped his car for the umpteenth time.

My memory goes back to the events where I was suddenly unconscious and ended up in the Hospital bed, news about me has been milling around in the media, he said, there was a student who had been snatched away by three irresponsible men. I'm completely helpless, unaware of the tragic events, who did it I don't want to know. It was disgusting to imagine how dirty I was right now. I could no longer hold the tightness in my chest, my tears broke and Ezra got annoyed by stomping his hands on the steering wheel of the car.