There's Always Room to Go Home

INNER WAR

My closeness to Freya began to spread, people were talking about me. Freya is suspected of being a Campus Chicken because she is often found stopping by at karaoke and nightclubs, changing partners.

“Sa, mending you away from Freya, rather than later you follow the impact,” whispered Shofi before class began.

Why should people like Freya be shunned? if they care they should unite to embrace Freya, helping her not to fall too deep. With those who are said to be good people away from Freya, it will make the situation worse and the people who use Freya more freely.

Sure enough, the gossip made me start to get depressed, why did I become weak? the afternoon on campus I was like a confused and awkward person meeting people on campus. People began to pry into my past and what I am doing now. A studious college student came out the night into a room full of glittering disco lights. Almost all of my classmates knew it, only they didn't offend me much. I try not to be influenced, as long as I do not harm them why I should feel guilty, I may refrain from beating them, but it is difficult to control my feelings.

What's wrong with me? Is this as weak as I really am?

Unlike usual who always walk confidently, raised his face like a star. Now that there was a strange feeling enveloping me, I felt alien among the crowd. I want to try to open up to other people who are as good as I am. I thought they would accept me because I had heard that Islam is a religion of peace, Muslims are like a body that will empathize and help each other. Therefore today I tried my hardest, venturing to associate with those Muslim women who are veiled. I was nervous, tidying up my clothes in front of the bathroom mirror, breathing in and mentally preparing. When I thought that all my courage had been gathered, I went to the class that was about to begin, but my steps suddenly stopped hearing someone's conversation.

"Well, girls don't really join the same girls who are the same level." A student in blue hijab, wearing jeans and a grey outer was gossiping with her two friends, they were talking about me.

"Indeed, not afraid of what comes out?" ask the others.

"Yeah, he's very ordinary clubbing, coupled with om om also no wonder dong, it's a regular time."

“You don't know anything, don't talk!” pissed.

Their words turned out to be sharper than I thought. They say hurtful things when I'm not around. My chest became painful and tight, really painful. I don't know why it hurts this much. Their tongues that spoke, my chest tight and my screaming eyes spilled a wet clear on my cheek. I finally left the class and went back to the boarding house. Who would have thought there was Freya who welcomed me so well. The tightness in my chest became slightly reduced. Even at the cost is still heard whispers do not wear the heart.

"What's wrong?" the question is to give me a glass of water.

"Wouldn't it be wrong if I wanted to change?"

"For what?"

"I'm tired of Frey, just as rich as you are. I have my own problems too. I just want to change even better, I want to get the real Islam."

"Brrrtt, Uhuk, wait! You serious? what's the matter, try the story!"

"Ah, I don't know where to start, but the point is I need something different."

"Okay, it doesn't matter if you don't want to tell me the same story. Later if there's anything call me, yeah. You can definitely deal with your problems" Freya said, leaving me alone in the living room.

“Wait!” prevent me from stopping Freya's steps.

“You have believed in me, so I also believe in you .. but you do not laugh at me, yes. Actually, I deliberately stayed away from my father and stepmother, choosing to go to college in Jogja because of Frey's penance. I am tired of constantly begging for attention from others by being a bad boy. In the past, in school no one could defeat me, my enemies were many, especially after many knew I was a taekwondoin. Huh, I'm tired, want to be an ordinary person so calm, want serious treatment.”

“Wow, it’s amazing. I just haven't thought of getting there, do what you want and if that's your goal here don't be delayed,” Freya assured me. For a moment I looked at him.

“I support you and will stay that way no matter what your circumstances. Trust me!”

Hearing her words made me a little relieved. “Thanks, Freya.” I hugged him later.

“No problem, you also help me a lot to beat the guys at the club, haha.”

The tightness in my chest was slightly healed, but my life wasn't forever by his side. The world is too big for both of us. I had to think about how to live life between thousands of places and millions of people, it was impossible to constantly expect the support of one friend alone. Moreover, this one friend also has a problem that is no less complicated. Somehow I went through it, as if I lost my once-very-confident self in front of everyone. It feels like just dying. I got out of my seat, walked to the big mirror at the end of the hallway, looked at my chaotic self, I combed my hair violently in annoyance, only able to pity myself. Holding my head with both hands, I suddenly remembered Ezra. 

“Hai, what else is it?” ask pleasantries.

“Rest in the office, what is it?”

“Oh, it's okay. Sorry if you disturb.”

“No, something happened with you?”

I didn't respond to the message anymore, worried about interrupting her break. Somehow in the midst of anxiety over myself he could sneak into my mind. But then Ezra called me.

"Khansa, where are you?” his question is worried.

“Em, I'm at kos.”

“Yes, we've just met, yes" he asked in a soft tone. From the beginning Ezra was always like that, kind and gentle. Could it be if I put my feelings on her? I don't know, everything I don't know, my mind's fucked up. I looked back at myself in the mirror and leaned my right hand against the wall, looking like a dazed person who did not know the direction and purpose, only able to mourn him. Both of my eyes were red as if blown by a hot wind and evaporated soaking up my eyelids.

"Khanza!" ezra shouted from the mouth of the apartment door. I hurriedly wiped my tears. Hoping that the man with the nose did not realize my situation was in chaos. Why did it come so fast.

"Eh, yes. Ezra you've come– I'm ready first yes, pause," I said immediately go into the room and dress up a little feminine. 

I took a deep breath in front of the room door and opened it as if nothing had happened today. Ezra looked at me for a moment like he was seeing a rare phenomenon. Actually I'm not used to dressing up feminine, wearing a skirt. As a taekwondoin I'm more comfortable wearing flexible pants or hotpants.

"So leave, right?" I tried to wake him up. I'm afraid his eyes are running forever.

"Oh, yes– so, your Khansa– today is a little different," he said stammeringly.

"Your behavior today is also strange. It's on the road!"

“Cie, want to ngedate yes .. oi Za, beware do not assort.” Freya seduced us and threatened Ezra by showing him her fist.

“Aman,” reply Ezra while hand signal.

We also left the room. Today I just want to calm myself down, wherever Ezra takes me away I don't care. I trust him, even if he acts excessively I can directly teach him like I did to others. During the trip we did not talk much, instead Ezra more often looked to the left to steal the opportunity to see me. I knew that and I let him look at me as he pleased because my mind could not escape him.

"Why do I keep thinking about him? Why are you so nervous?" I murmured in my heart.

"It's over" said Ezra hurriedly down from the car and opened the door for me.

He was very considerate and knew how to treat women, but the thing I never thought about was on what basis did he take me to Circle Land? Come on, it's a children's amusement park. Why would he take me to this place? I was a little disappointed, but I tried not to show it in front of Ezra.

Ezra grabbed my right hand. "Here sit down!"

“Why suddenly touch me? you asked to be beaten up huh?” my monologue is in my heart. Without replying to her words, I followed her sitting on a white garden chair with a hint of rust on the armrest. There were boisterous sounds everywhere, water balloons occasionally blowing towards me.

"Khansa, I'm sorry I brought you here without your prior consent, but you can't hide the wound alone. I know you have a problem, so I brought you here. He said that if there was any more trouble, we should go out, yelled loudly. Well here you can be satisfied he shouted, so do not swipe constantly on the pendam."

I can't speak anymore, holding tightness in my heart. Ezra's been watching me all along and knows everything.