There's Always Room to Go Home

DEFENSELESS

I don't know what else to do, my heart broke instantly. "Why did Ezra leave me in the apartment with that pervert?"

Everyone around me nothing is right. My heart was really breaking, my head wanted to explode, my chest was tight. I thought Ezra was different from the other guys out there, I almost fell in love with him, bad luck hit me in a row. My phone notifications went off many times, missed calls and some messages had already piled up. I didn't even realize where I was, but it was lucky that my phone could be saved.

"Sa, where are you? … Ezra nyariin you," message from Freya.

I did not answer the message immediately, even Ezra sent a lot of messages and some missed calls. I don't know who else to trust, if I fall from the top of the building no one will care much less cry over my departure. My heart is mute, numb, fed up with all this. “Yes God wants to die, I'm tired!”

"Sa, Khansa please pick up the phone! where're you?" 

I ignored Ezra's message.

Now I'm alone on the roof of Ezra's apartment building. My mind is so messed up, it's like I no longer have the chance to be loved in this world. I looked at the glitter of the night from a height of 500 feet, the world was too vast, whereas I was just a helpless little creature. Even asking God will not be as easy as imagined will soon be granted by Him. There are millions of people in the world and they are all begging, whether my plea is in the queue to how much and I realize it is not a good servant, of course, God will first consider the plea of his obedient servant. I almost gave up on my expectations. Looking at the darkness of the night from the roof of a building like this made me feel even smaller and alone. Only the night breeze gently rubbed my face, hugged me, comforting me with the spotlight of the advertising light of a fashion store.

The night is getting gripping, I don't know how long I've been here, curled up lamenting fate. "If I had gone to see the Creator, would I have been happy there?" To imagine it, I couldn't. I am not a good Muslim, surely Allah will punish me mercilessly because my sins have not been paid. I could think of ending my life just because of this kind of problem. From above the sky, the stars might be laughing at me.

Brak!

Someone came in a hurry, his breath gasping almost gone. A man wearing a black Hoodie and chinos appeared from behind the emergency exit. He looked exhausted, putting both of his palms on his knees as a resting pedestal.

"Khanza!" The voice clearly called my name. Apparently Ezra managed to find me when my heart started to calm down.

"Please don't go again!" Ezra walked towards me with a tired breath, rested before me and pleaded. However, my heart was still unable to say anything, no matter what he was doing right now. 

“Don't come closer or I'll jump!” I threatened to step to the edge of the building.

“Don't do that, Khansa. Your problem will not be solved by jumping down there. Trust me, we will solve that problem together.” Slowly Ezra stepped closer to me.

“Everyone looks good on me, but everything is just a mask. Everything that looks good ends up being daggers and stabs me, why did you guys do it to me, what's my fault?” One more step my foot was in the air and fell.

“I won't let that happen.” Ezra managed to grab my hand and take me in her arms.

“My life is so hard, but why is dying so hard? whyaa?” my shout then pushed Ezra. I ignored him and left immediately, but my second step stopped for a moment when Ezra grabbed my wrist again.

"Please let me go!"

"I'll take you home."

"No."

"Khanza."

"I need some alone time. If you follow me, I'll make sure today is our last meeting." Without looking at him, I rushed away with tears, down every step of the stairs with tightness in the chest until I arrived at the side of the road.

I waved my hand to stop the taxi, many times the taxi passed in front of me without stopping, just passing by. My legs turned to walk down the sidewalk, until a taxi stopped offering me a ride. Without a second thought, I got into the taxi.

After giving the destination address to the taxi driver, I did not say a word. My gaze was staring out, daydreaming not paying attention to the road at all. The trip home this time felt much farther than usual, but my heart ache was so deep that it did not pay much heed to the oddity, the most important thing is that this taxi drove me to the cost. 

The taxi I was riding finally stopped. After paying and getting out of the car, I was surprised to see the place I was going to was not my boarding house but an empty building in a place far from the city crowd. My feelings were getting more and more disoriented, paranoid, without thinking anymore, as long as I had the chance to give up my legs to run away from the place. The taxi driver who saw me trying to escape chased me mercilessly, where I am now, there is no light and people around here. I could only grope in the darkness, my soul was struggling and blaspheming the Creator of this scenario of injustice. 

Asking for help, no one will hear my screams that are almost out of sound. The taxi driver was still chasing me until he arrived on the highway which was also very quiet, there was only one street light that was dimly lit. I'm tired of this escape, with all the energy I have left, I'm trying to defend myself. Several times I managed to beat up and fend off their attacks, but the driver was not alone, they conspired, I was outnumbered. Finally I was caught and passed out after my face was rubbed a wet handkerchief.

I was unconscious, I don't know what happened to me at the time. I surrender fully to the Almighty, hoping that Allah will look after me and protect me while being careless. When I woke up, I saw a bright light glaring at my still blurred vision. My body is numb, weak and helpless.

"Am I being raised from the dead?" my mind guesses destiny.

I guess no, slowly my vision improved, the sound of an electrocardiogram was clearly heard in my ear. Silence, there is no other sound in this room. My body seemed paralyzed, I could not even move it, but I could feel the warmth in my right hand. A girl I had not known for a long time, seemed so sincere with a friendship. Freya took care of me from when, she looked tired to sleep next to me.

"Freya.." My voice was running out, he didn't hear my call. 

I was only able to feel my memories that night, what happened to me until I ended up in this place? There's no answer. Freya finally woke up, seeing me in tears made her panic. Me, still alive.

"Khansa– you're human, thank goodness." Freya was about to go to call the doctor, with all my strength to prevent, clasping her hands and her steps stopped, turning to look at me.

"Khansa, you'll be fine, okay. I'll call the doctor first." Freya went to let go of my grasp slowly.

Not long after, Freya returned with a doctor in red hijab, her smile seemed very sincere to greet me who was slumped. The doctor was very friendly, checked me carefully and very calmly.

"Patiently yes, many istighfar and his dhikr. Hope you're healthy soon." The beautiful doctor then left after finishing his examination and gave me some encouragement.

I looked back at Freya, "It seemed like last night I had a nightmare."

"Actually, you've been unconscious for almost a week."

"What's going on?" I asked with my lips shaking.

"You have to be healthy first, do not think of others, later if it has healed then we tell, yes," he calmed me.

"Thanks yes, I only have you my only family here. Does my father know?"

Freya just shook her head followed by a sincere smile, but behind that smile also hid a lot of suffering. Poor girl, it seems like we have an equally unkind destiny, wasted and hunting for love in a foreign place.

“HP you use the password so I can not contact your family.”

"Tin!" My phone rang, Freya took it for me. Ah, I'm being hunted down the end-of-semester deadline. I saw the chat history that had piled up, reminding me of the last night I parted with Ezra and suddenly she appeared from my room, a smile that initially looked beautiful from her face turned flat when looking at me, silence doesn't budge at all, like hiding something from me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

...“Am I able to live all this?” ...

...A question came to my mind and I never found the answer....

...I hope someday I can get that answer ...

...Before I finally had to go back to the Creator....