Please, Be Mine
PBM 37
When I was with him I was able to forget some of the burdens on me, my problems, my sadness, yes it is true that I did not come from a harmonious family, not from a rich person, only simple is enough.
My life is hard, sometimes I feel suicidal to end it all but there are still some people who encourage me in their way.
My father was not a good man, until now I hated my father so much, even though he lived in one house but we never talked as children and parents if , 'if ,we can say me and Dad are like strangers!
I don't know why I hate you so much..
All I know is that the figure of the parent guiding, nurturing, loving not even demanding, punishing, judging, loving others, I am not a biological child even like a stepchild or a stranger..
Not only once but often can even be said subscriptions (at hit), until my body already feels immune to hits, blows and others.
I was always jealous of the harmonious family life, until I forgot when I last embraced him as a father, many things that made me hate him..
*/
That day I went to the house of Ijal just to tell my grievances, accompany him to eat and tell stories, I felt very comfortable in his house, I felt like coming home alone ,different when I go home to my own house like in hell.
ijal: do you want spicy food?
Fita: want dong,pedes yes.
Ijal : okay, baby.
We often eat together, it's one plate together (hahaha) it feels delicious :)
Ijal: what time do you want to go home, baby?
Fita: it's 9 o'clock tonight, baby.
Ijal: yes, dear okay.
**
The morning I went to a friend's house during my school years, we had plans to find work in the ancol district.
Fita: where's sarah?
sarah: again on this road, where are you?
fita: same again on the road going to the busway, where do we meet?
sarah: malay village stop only yes.
fita : okay.
A few minutes later ..
sarah: where's fita?
fita: front busway direction ancol, here only.
sarah: okay
(not long after that)
sally: hi sarah.
sarah: hi also fita, just what how is this?
fita: just go ahead, it's too late.
sarah: okay.
On the way to ancol in the busway I told a lot with sarah, and vice versa.
*/
we're in ancol..
sarah: where are we going?
fita: take public transportation only yes, but walking can also be si if you want.
sarah: oh I'm tired, we take public transport.
fita: okay ready.
We have arrived at the office of one of the companies in Jakarta ancol,aku and sarah take tests one by one until completion.
finish test..
fita: may we accept yes, good if we are received.
sarah: aamiin, but if received quite far from our workplace.
fita: it's not an important matter just pass it first, okay.
sarah: yes, too.
we are heading to the ancol busway stop to go home and will be back tomorrow for an announcement to accept work or not.
**
tomorrow morning sarah and I leave early in the morning at about 05.00 wib in the morning due to the announcement at the 07.00 wib in the morning, so have to wait there before the 30 minute announcement starts.
I'm very unsettled because honestly I was expecting this job for my savings.
At 07.00 wib in the morning and all the participants about 500 people waiting for the results, and the results of me and sarah did not pass the test, initially disappointed because I was expecting the job but fate said another,maybe it's not my fortune yet so it's okay.
*/
on the busway heading home I saw Sarah asleep maybe she was exhausted, because I was also tired, disappointed and sad.
slowly I took out my phone and gave news to Ijal.
baby, are you taking a break?
ijal: it's a pity, how is the result of your work test? you graduated?
sorry, baby, I failed.
ijal : it's okay baby, the important thing is to try and try, listen baby succeed or not it's common in life that is important we are willing to try first.
fita: yes baby, thank you.
fita: thank you, but don't bother.
Ijal: I have learned to be a good husband to you, baby.
fita : yes dear Aamiin.
ijal: from tomorrow I have started the task, so not to monas again I.
fita: thank God good baby.
ijal : yes dear, yes you have gone home first be careful later if you have reached the news dear.
fita: okay, baby.
*/
A few months running but my life is still the same as yesterday, still with the circumstances I have not got a job and still troublesome Ijal..
That afternoon I got an incoming message if I got a call and had to do a job interview at a company in the market area of the week, without thinking I immediately prepared the letters I needed.
baby, I got a call for a job interview.
Ijal: oh, baby? good dong, I pray that you will accept ya dear.
fita : aamiin babe.
ijal: who will go tomorrow dear, sarah?
fita: no dear I set out on my own by train later.
ijal: okay then, give me the news baby and hopefully smoothly.
fita: yes, okay, baby.
*/
That morning I woke up early because I had to leave at 07.00 wib in the morning and the job interview started at 10.00 wib in the morning.
I left alone at that time using the train transport.
After a long time on the trip I had reached the destination company address, the first thing I saw was nothing strange with the company because many were in and out wearing black and white clothes like me.
not long before I was approached by the security guard who was on guard without asking much the security guard already knew my purpose and immediately drove me into meeting the receptionist and without much more asking questions I had a proposal directly taken and the receptionist called someone, not long after that a male adult figure came out of the room and came up to me and drove me to the second floor, here my feeling was getting weird, as I felt cold, quiet and desolate, I began to feel fear and worry.
Not long ago my name was called by a father who I thought he was HRD in that place, at first everything seems ordinary, but, asked a few questions and I answered the questions casually until finally the father handed me a letter containing I had to pay a sum of money if I wanted to work, he said, very steadily I immediately rejected the father because for me this does not make sense, I am looking for work to get money instead of giving money that I alone do not know for what, for what, I do not know, I went straight out of the room to the bus stop, where I met a middle-aged man who asked me many things.
Dad: out of the office, huh mbak?
fita: yes sir, why?
father: have you paid?
fita: no, I don't bring any money anyway so I decided to go home.
mr.: good, good move, because the office is a fraud, a,he asked for money first and in love promises to get a good job and department but it turns out later will be in love job that is ignorant and not clear so not to look a fraudster.
fita: oh so sir, thank God then I have not loved anything.
father: must be more careful mbak, we work to make money instead of wasting money for others, must be vigilant.
fita: yes sir, thank you sir, then I go home first yes, excuse me.
*/
once at home I immediately told everything with disgrace that I almost wanted to be deceived.
ijal: how dear to accept no?
fita: boro-boro dear, but thank God not to accept even good.
ijal: why is that?
fita: the office that was cheating baby, when asking for money with me.
ijal : so yes dear, then look again dear.
fita: yes, dear.
Every night I always think because I have not got a job, not to mention I've been eager to bring ijal to the house because until now he has not been introduced to my parents, I have not introduced it to my parents, only the new mom knows him whether you remember it or not -_-
not to mention soon want to fast and lebaran, if my condition is still like this how I want to come home, there I will only embarrass myself, I will only humiliate myself,not to mention my father will definitely compare me to my cousin who is always considered great by my father,even though he only worked at a mobile phone store in Jakarta can make my father forget and do not appreciate me as a father's son who before not working gave the results of my hard work to him,while he who should be responsible instead relaxes asking for money and demanding -_-
Sometimes I like to be offended and hurt when my father praises and boasts my cousin, like I'm useless in his eyes it makes me hate him even more, hate him so much.
I feel unappreciated, if he is a fair parent that is not the way he is, this is even busy indulging in the ugliness of his own children, useless children, he said,the child's weakness to the father's family in front of me without thinking about my feelings, but always he asked "why don't you want to appreciate me your father!", why didn't he realize why I didn't want to respect him and hate him so much because he made me like that, which child isn't hurt in such a way!
If it was only physical violence that I could endure, I could still accept it, but my mind was wounded and she didn't think it was there!
Before demanding that he be a good son he should be kinder to the child he didn't realize it all was he already a good father to me?
a good priest for the family?
the head of the family in charge?
not only was I physically injured but my inner self as well, did he ever think up to it?
if ever where could he do all that to girls just puppet!
The father figure I always get from others, not from my own father, if you know how sick I am treated like that,maybe he never even knew that I was traumatized by all the things he did to me..
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