Mom's Not a Prostitute

The Loss of the Pearl of Love

I want my Pearl of Love to shine brightest among others, even though she is only the son of a hymn.

---

Watampone, 2011

Early in the morning Tiara was ready with her new uniform. It was the first day that the gray-white uniform was attached to his body. Although it is neat, not bored he reflected. A perfect smile on her lips. I am so happy, my eyes are glazed. Being able to send it to SMA is certainly not easy. Outstanding achievement. I struggled alone, racking my brain how to set aside the meager honor of the gig for his future. After this maybe I should look for additional income, because the dependents must be getting heavier. Moreover, Tiara often tells about his desire to become a doctor. I don't know how much money it takes to go to medical school. Must be a lot. But as a mother, again my heart was moved to try to get her wish granted. I would do anything to see Tiara become a person. I don't want him to inherit my bad luck.

My little daughter who used to often witness her ambient misdeeds, even indirectly took her when someone was about to enjoy my body, now grows up to be a very beautiful teenage girl. Also rigid. His willingness to accept my job as a biduan is what makes me most proud. He never minded being left alone every night. He is immune to all the scorn that comes every day. It rewards all of that with performance at school. It is the most beautiful gift I have.

One day Tiara comes home from school with her boyfriend. At dinner, he enthusiastically told her who the boy was. It was his upperclassman. His name was Alfian, the youngest son of H. Arifin, the richest man in Barebbo. Hearing that, I suddenly felt lethargic. I'm afraid that guy just gave Tiara false hope. Our family degrees are far adrift, it feels impossible to put together. I seem to be overreacting. They are still in school and of course still far away to think there. Let them enjoy the color that is now splashed and it is appropriate to be in adolescence. From the mimicry of mentioning the guy's name, I'm sure Tiara liked it. I just realized my daughter's getting older. I should pay more attention to it. I just don't want him to get the wrong guy I've been through.

In the age that began to grow up, of course, Tiara's thinking matured. He began to be sensitive to all things. Including my decision not to marry again. He has discussed this seriously. According to him, if I have a life companion I am not alone bear all the burdens that exist.

"Mr doesn't need a companion anymore. Make what? Kan, there is you. Besides, I don't want your affection to be shared with anyone else." It's always like that I give it up. I can't tell you any further.

Sometimes it is also tempting, he said I am still beautiful, must be a lot of men who have a crush out there. If it was like that I would pretend to be busy doing anything. After feeling diced, he would be tired by himself. Usually immediately left to the house of Bu Hasna to meet Imran. Either study together or just play. It has been this big they are still as familiar as before, even though it is different schools. Imran is lucky to have parents who are still complete and able to send them to State High School 1 Watampone, the flagship High School in this city.

As the only parent he had, it was only natural that Tiara was very close to me. He told me everything he experienced at school. Including the teasing that he often received because his mother was a biduan. So far he's been fine, no problem at all. But maybe something else happens if he knows I often display the action of candoleng-doleng. Until now I have not been frank with Tiara for this. I'm not ready yet. I'm afraid he can't accept. I can't be rash. I have to wait until the time is right.

***

Watampone, 2013

This is Tiara's last year in High School. That means he will soon continue his education to college. I've been counting the money I've been collecting all this time in a jewelry box in the closet. The more I counted, the less money it was to finance the medical school Tiara wanted. I have been so frugal all this time. I would never buy new clothes so that the money could be saved. I was willing to never snack when leaving for work so that the money could be saved. But in fact, a midwife will not be able to finance her child to study in medicine. I better talk about it carefully before Tiara hopes too far and ends up disappointed.

"It's okay, Mama. I-i understand. Without even being a doctor, I would be able to make Mak happy someday." Then he hugged me. Despite saying so, I was able to catch the look of disappointment in his eyes. I feel bad for not being able to grant her goals.

Although he could no longer pursue his goal of becoming a doctor, Tiara continued to study as usual. He passed the final test with a satisfactory result. Today is the day of graduation celebration, the release of students of State High School 5 Watampone class of 2013. Parents get special invitations to accompany their sons, even with me. In the early morning we were ready. Tiara appears more mature in a green kebaya dressing that matches her skin. A week ago, ever since he announced today's event, I took him straight to the tailor, asking to make him the latest model kebaya. I used some of Tiara's prep savings to go to university to get a kebaya that now does make a slightly different appearance. I want my Pearl of Love to shine brightest among others, even though she is only the son of a hymn.

Upon arriving at the Tiara school, the atmosphere started to get crowded. Since coming down from the angkot, all the views seemed to be on us. I'm sure, they were flabbergasted, not expecting Tiara to appear this beautiful. Honestly, I'm a little awkward. I'm not used to performing in public to attend events like this. But all this for Tiara. I felt better when Tiara took my hand and held her until she arrived inside the tent where the event was going. Then we sat side by side. At first glance my gaze swept the atmosphere inside the tent that had been decorated in such a way. Well-favoured.

It was ordinary at first. Then it started to feel strange when the Tiara friends around us laughed unnaturally while noticing something on each other's phones. Sometimes looking in our direction. I glanced towards Tiara, she also started to seem uncomfortable. What the hell is it? Then one of them approached us, showing Tiara something on her phone that had been a laughing stock. Actually I was curious, but chose to duck rather than peek. A moment later Tiara's cry broke out, messing with the makeup on her face. I'm getting confused. I don't know what's going on. What did that friend of his show Tiara? Tiara rushed out of the tent, and I was confused. Of course I quickly caught up with him, running through increasingly shrill laughter, pitched victory and satisfaction. It's just that he managed to stop the angkot before I arrived. He really left, carrying a cry I did not understand.

***

For days I was quite tormented by the change in Tiara's attitude. He dodged, didn't want to talk to me, and ate together. I don't know what happened on graduation day yesterday, why did it turn so drastic? And tonight, after the gig I was surprised to find Tiara in the front room. It's not usually that he's awake this late. Apparently he was deliberately waiting for me and wanted to talk something. Then I sat in front of him, ready to listen after putting down the bag and taking off the jacket.

"So all this time Mak ma-candoleng-doleng?" Tiara's voice shook.

"Yes," I replied softly after taking a deep breath to normalize the heartbeat in the chest that suddenly raced unnaturally. I saw Tiara's tears immediately pour out later.

"And then, did Mak also prostitute?"

Now I can't look Tiara in the eye. I just nodded slowly while biting both lips. I really wanted to make it clear that it was not what he thought it was. But not now, later after the situation calmer.

It seemed like the news that had somehow splashed from where this had arrived in Tiara's ears since the past few months. This is what makes him often moody, which I initially thought was only the effect of disappointment because his ideals to become a doctor were forced to run aground. I completely understand Tiara's feelings, they must be very broken at this moment. I'm afraid, I don't know how to take her heart back.

Tiara. The half-running step ended with the slamming of the room door that made me even more bitter. And it looks like I'm gonna have to sleep outside tonight.

***

The morning brings a different smell. I woke up shuffled on the floor, wearing only the jacket I wore last night. It's the first time something's been waiting for me and my son. I felt guilty for being dishonest from the start. Perhaps now in his heart was growing hatred.

I knocked on the door of the room while calling out his name. Many times, but there is no answer. Finally, from behind the door, I decided to go to the market. Today I'm going to cook her favorite meal. Hopefully we can find a warm atmosphere again. And then I'll tell him things he doesn't know. We will discuss what is now as if stretching the distance between us.

Upon returning from the market, I went straight to the kitchen. I looked up at the room whose door was still closed. In the heart can only hope softly, hopefully this is not prolonged. I can't afford to live this distance with my son.

About 40 minutes later some of the dishes that would definitely make Tiara smile were done. The thin smoke that billows on the surface of each plate gives off a very appetizing aroma. I knocked on the door again. Many times, still calling. Niente. There's no response. I began to despair when the origin turned the door handle. The door is easily open. It was not locked. But ... Tiara is not inside. The closet door opened and showed two empty. The Tiara clothes were not there. Anxious and various other unpleasant tastes clenched on the chest. I started thinking no. I ran out, circled around the house, the path, Tiara was nowhere to be seen. I rushed to Bu Hasna's house, asking Imran, they don't know either. I panicked, my cries bursting with the sound of sobs that instantly mingled with the morning air that was starting to heat up.

I don't want to lose Tiara, the most precious treasure I have, the only reason that has made me strong against life to date. I ran down the street. Ask anyone I meet. The more they shook their heads, the faster I moved. I'm still looking, keep running. Until I don't know where to go anymore. By then I realized I was far away from home.

***

[Connected]

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