Mom's Not a Prostitute
God Wants Me to Fight
I'd rather die than live but feel dead.
---
Sengkang, 1998
I've been stuck in a dark place that begins with love. A hope of building a dream home. But since the figure of Daeng Hasan seemed to be filled by the souls of others, the beauty reluctantly approached my life. There's only one left, Tiara's smile. Although the child grew up in a complicated situation, he grew smarter. Her body looks plump. With him, I could forget for a moment this almost unbearable burden of life. He certainly can not understand the embers of the fire that I was holding. All she knew was that she had me, a mother who always prepared food for her. He also has Daeng Hasan, a father who always takes him for walks, whether the place suits him or not. In the eyes of a three-year-old, all of this is so much fun. Daeng Hasan managed to make her like. Me being? I'm used to being left alone. Daeng Hasan always took Tiara with him wherever he went. Including to the place of gambling, or even when making love with his affair, a savage woman who is so proud to be slept with by the husband of people.
I really don't need to go anywhere. Quite silent at home, waiting for any man who comes to touch my body. Either the debt case or again I was made into a bet. It has become an everyday food. Fighting will only make me more tired. Waste energy. My body is like a money-making machine. For the sake of not getting an unclear child, I routinely take KB pills. The pills slowly made me immune, completely like a robot ready to be told to do anything. Daeng Hasan never admired me again. Except when drunk and that bitch wasn't next to him. It was also very rude and completely devoid of any feelings of affection.
At times, Daeng Hasan also forced me to come with him. Somewhere, meet someone I have to serve. While my body was being enjoyed by another man, Daeng Hasan would wait outside while taking care of Tiara. They will do some light games so that Tiara feels at home and does not whine for home. Sometimes, in the breath of a man who was driving lust over my body, I could hear the laughter of my little daughter. I can assure you, he's on the back of his amba. They're playing with horses. At times like that, I always felt like I was the most unfortunate human being on earth.
Sometimes Daeng Hasan also just needs to wait at home. Letting someone else take me anywhere. Sometimes to the entertainment venue, to their private rooms, and many others. They have a favorite place to enjoy my body. When they were satisfied, they drove me home. That was the most heartbreaking moment. Every time they saw them offering rupiah sheets that were greeted with bright eyes by Daeng Hasan. If the pay is less, it means my service is unsatisfactory. His shortcomings incarnated slaps that began to feel ordinary on my cheek.
As time went on, Daeng Hasan gained control of the game. Anyone who saw us thought our family was fine. It even looks harmonious. He enjoys his madness while pretending to be nice to me in front of everyone. I was also trained to spread fake smiles if I did not want to get bruised when I returned home. All the falsehoods attached to Daeng Hasan's face managed to deceive many people. Including Mak, Puang Sudi, and all the family in Watampone when we visited Mak who was in critical condition.
***
I feel very tired today. My patience is not left one bit. We just got home from the demon headquarters. I call it that. The place where Daeng Hasan made the transaction, where I served indeterminate men. The man who had long since incarnated the demon in my eyes fell asleep. Looks very tired after freely selling my body. With an increasingly chaotic mind, I stepped into the kitchen. I took the knife I used to cut fish. This is where my life will end. I'd rather die than live but feel dead. In this way, I need not fear losing Tiara. I can keep him from a different place.
The knife was raised above his head. Its pointed tip leads to the stomach, aiming at the target. I closed my eyes, as if I was really ready to leave this world, to end all the suffering.
"Whatever?" That innocent voice was present along with a tiny hand hug on my right thigh. I opened my eyes, finding Tiara's face looking up at me. "Haus, Mak," he whined. I put down the knife that almost tore my stomach. Then quickly get Tiara some drinking water. I forgot to give him a drink before I put him to bed. He was in the habit of waking up in the middle of the night and asking for water to drink. Regardless of that, I think it's God's way of thwarting my intentions. God wants me to fight, not give myself up to death.
***
[Connected]
