FIZAH (Female Kolong Garbage)

PART 188 "Courage"

*Tsaniya Tabriz

I changed my mind. Hiding secrets in fear makes me rarely sleep well at night. In fact, sometimes nightmares haunt me where someday my secret will be known to others. Ratna is the key to this secret. If Ratna doesn't tell anyone, then forever the secret will be safe. But, after thinking long before going to bed, I decided I would say it to abah and ummik tomorrow. Only to them are you telling me. Just like I told my mother, then my mother understood me with her sincere feelings. I wish the two of them could act more than that, because they're my real parents.

After abah ngaos buku with the santri and ummik listening to the Koran until nine o'clock at night, I asked them to stay in the middle room for a few minutes. I asked with an indeterminate feeling. I was pushing, against all my fear. I left my Koran on the room table. I approached those who had sat down first. Ummik's face waited, while his calmness turned on the television. I'm just a little deep, not usually abah kerso (want) watching television these nights. In fact, I never knew you turned on the television in the morning or in the afternoon. Abah wasn't looking at me. Replacing the channel.

"Nduk, you're an opo?" (Nduk, what's wrong?)

Kutelan. I took a long breath.

"Well, Mik, Niya wants a serious story."

Just racing so fast. I dare not raise my face too high. I cast my eyes on the floral motifs on the turkish carpet that my brother once bought in Turkey.

I haven't heard you respond. Abah just laughed a little at the re-broadcast of the cartoon film. Slowly my heart was filled with tranquility. The atmosphere is no longer frozen.

"The events of wingi?" (James of yesterday, huh?)

Ummik who continues to respond.

"Enggeh, Mik. Look at..."

As I began to tell stories slowly, the sound of the television was shrunk. But, you didn't turn it off. Abah and ummik were serious about listening to me talk. I said clearly who got me involved in yesterday's incident, what was the motive, and I explained who Mr. Su really was. I'm just saying that Mr. Su is the real father of the Judge I used to consider my best friend. Iuberankan. Ummik. Unlike the brother who remained calm listening to all the sentences that I still delivered a quarter.

I also explained the details of how it happened. Ummik changed nelangsa. You may remember that there were two men who almost sacrificed their lives. As far as I can tell, Mr. Su and the Judge were finally arrested. Their faces looked relieved.

"But, Nduk, nyapo kok sampek duwe revenge karo sampeyan? Sampeyan wrong opo?"

Translation: (But, Nduk, why do you have a grudge against you? What are you wrong?)

The deg!

"Had made trouble with them."

"Opo problem?"

"Well, Mik, that's actually..." Twice I swallowed.

"In fact Niya used to be per-nah. That place is disgusting. I don't like it very much. Niya hates that place. So Niya decided to leave from there. After that, Niya becomes a fugitive. Honestly, the first time Niya came here, when Niya did not know who Niya's true status was, Niya's purpose here was just to find shelter. Niya had no other intentions other than that. It was Mr. Nizam who directed Niya to get here, but it was Yazeed who was his intermediary."

"God's Gusti is fair. Kerono sampeyan gelem blur, dadi fugitive, Abah karo Ummine maleh iso meet sampeyan. Iso ugo yen sampeyan never neng kui, saiki Abah durung iso meet sampeyan."

My tears are pooling. It will fall a drop if I blink my eyes.

"Tell me, Nduk. What is opo to kui?"

Translation: (Right word, Nduk. What place is that?)

"The place the ladies are at night, Mik." My voice whimpers. I really did not dare to raise my face in the slightest.

"Innalillahi, O Allah," said ummik with a tone that sounded painful in my ear. Not because ummik hurt, but because I myself was never ready to hear people's responses.

Ummik approached, whispering, "Nduk?"

Ummik forced me to look at him. Ummik sucked his stuffing softly. Ummik was hurt because of me.

I looked at ummik, but I didn't dare to make my point.

"Sampeyan sek virgin opo ora?"

Translation: (Are you a virgin or not?) ummik whispers. I guess you just can't hear it.

I'm nodding. My hope is very great ummik will believe me. Yeah, I do know everything there. But, I can guarantee that I am still very worthy of being called a girl.

"Goddess, Nduk?"

This time I looked at that look. I slid into the tears that had fallen on that cheek. I also feel distrusted by the last sentence ummik. I had to swear that I could be trusted. My tears are breaking. More than ummik tears.

I shook Ummik's hand. I kissed the hand and said, "Wallahi. Wallahi that I'm still a girl, Mik. I'm still a girl. I never wanted to be among them. But, circumstances want me to be there."

"Yes Allaaaah, your fate koyo mangkene to, Nduk, Ya Allaaaah."

Translation: (Yes Allaaah, your fate is like this yes, Nduk, Ya Allaaaah)

I want to shake Ummik's hand once again. But, ummik is in a hurry. I don't know what ummik feel to have to rise when I have carried all my courage. I did not think ummik was angry because ummik was crying. But I dare not rise up to chase ummik into the room. Then, abah stuck. Plays his fingers to glaze. I heard the word istigfar over and over again. My face was like being hit. My chest is being hit. My throat's choking. Tightness and pain. It's better they say a lot than to be quiet without being able to shut it down. I don't dare to translate or my chest cavity will get stabbed. I try to keep understanding that they may not be ready to listen to it either.

I say retreat slowly. I can't say anything more. I wiped my tears. I went back to the room. I watched abah dadi between the doors. I sat on the floor. Abah was still there. Then turn off the television. My mouth no longer moved. It was like I was thinking about something. But, I know your face is so sad.

"Change, Ummik, I'm sorry for my old stupidity. This I never asked for."

Happy reading. InsyaAllah tomorrow invitation spread 😁😂 thanks everyone. Healthy always... 🤩😍😍😍