Become Him

There is a weakness, it exists,

Night is always a firm reflection to describe what has happened to us from the moment we open our eyes until we close them again. As Nata felt, this cold night, was too tightly hugging Nata until her heart froze.

In her place, Nata lay hugging the bolster while her eyes were still fixed on the photo of her marriage to Rachel.

Rachel's cheerful smile and Nata's cold facial expression confirmed that only Rachel accepted and was happy with the wedding.

Nata still vividly remembers how Ivana and her father forced Nata to marry Rachel immediately. He understood correctly, the purpose of marrying Nata in haste was to treat Nata's broken heart. But in fact, there was another heart that was then broken when he realized his struggle was in vain.

Rachel enters Nata's life in a hurry. He did not expect that their first meeting was one year ago, making them bound by a promise even though not living as much. At all times, Nata always clearly saw the great love in Rachel's eyes but her heart just shrunk because she realized, she would not be able to compensate for Rachel's feelings for him.

One year of marriage, Nata begins to get used to Rachel's existence. The way he walked, his voice, his laughter, his innocence, his earnestness to the way Rachel fell asleep, was clearly drawn in Nata's eyes and danced in his mind.

Until now, he felt he still saw the figure of Rachel in every corner of the room in this house. She often hears Rachel's voice calling her name in love. But her reasoning made Nata realize that Rachel had been gone since this morning and brought all the things that were in her.

Does everything?

Curious Nata, he wanted to check if Rachel really brought all her belongings.

Getting out of bed, Nata opens Rachel's closet. There are still many pieces of clothing that Rachel left behind, especially the clothes she once bought for Rachel. Maroon-red nightgown she did not bring.

Nata picked it up and grabbed the shirt while sipping its fragrance.

Her shadow showed the figure of Aruni she saw with this outfit but the fragrance, was the fragrance of Rachel's body that was still attached.

Nata banged his own head as he felt the shadow of Rachel and Aruni appear together. Aruni who appears with her sad face and makes her feel guilty, while Rachel who appears with her face is smiling even as she knows Nata made a mistake.

Yes, his wife still had a smile before he left Nata.

“Akh shit,” snorts Nata while holding his chest. Somehow there was a feeling of tightness that was much more pronounced when what appeared in her mind was Rachel's figure.

He pensively stayed for a while on the edge of the bed while thinking about his current feelings. His feelings are only about his feelings. She never thinks about Rachel's feelings because to her, loving herself is Rachel's own desire, not her request.

But even so, though, his feelings are not necessarily relieved even more rumbling and colliding between the pain of leaving Aruni with his sadness when he realized his heart was so difficult to heal when he really wanted to escape this burden.

A year or so into her marriage, has she ever felt like she loved or loved Rachel? Nata asked that to his heart.

He admitted that he often held himself back from smiling at Rachel's behavior. He also admitted that he often wanted to laugh at Rachel's babble. He often feels calm when Rachel is by his side, causing him to slowly force Rachel to be around him, drawing his heart from leaving her.

Rachel was right, she always played with Rachel's earnest heart.

But one thing he now felt, he felt empty. The effort he made to cover up his feelings was no longer necessary. The mask was gone because Rachel had recognized him so much.

In his current mind, Aruni's departure made him feel that his heart was filled with happiness and tears so that it did not need anything else but only needed all the memories of Aruni. But Rachel's departure left some of her soul empty. Quiet, silent and there is only a sense of tightness and pain that comes from nowhere.

The sadness at Aruni's residence is indeed sad but left behind Rachel, making her feel lost direction. He was even confused just to choose to drink tea or coffee.

“Rachel, why are you torturing me like this?” muttered Nata while cupping her head with both hands.

He ruffled his hair so violently that his hair was getting messy. No Rachel even made him unable to take care of himself.

Don't know where to keep the towel, don't know how to prepare the bath water, not knowing how to make good coffee and not knowing what food he should choose so that he can enjoy the taste.

All that helplessness made Nata feel that she had lost Rachel. The figure that always makes him never think what he really needs.

With shaky steps, Nata went to the front of the dressing table. She sat on the chair, where Rachel used to be. He saw Rachel's makeup still in place, it didn't seem like there was anything Rachel was carrying.

Nata took out a lipstick, opened the lid and kissed the scent. He closed his eyes for a moment and what appeared was Rachel's plain shadow as she looked. Her thin lips. His amateurish decapan, often makes Nata have to direct it but there is a pleasure in itself when he hears the roar of his warm breath. That breath belonged to Rachel, not Aruni.

Closing her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, she saw the reflection of her face on the makeup mirror. Look, he's so fucked up. His face was deathly pale, his eyes were black, his face was dull and of course his expression was full of sadness and vexation.

All this time he had always been able to control his facial expression in the presence of Rachel with a cold look. But now, he himself was convinced that Rachel could see the helpless facial expression she had.

Once upon a time, he was fiddling open a dresser drawer. There's some stuff in there. Money in a box, Rachel's necklace box as her birthday gift from Nata and of course a notebook. A notebook he had seen a while ago.

This book that once made him curious and want to open it.

With all her courage, Nata decided to open it.

“Mami Acen World.” That's the sentence on the first page of Rachel's book. There are dried flowers arranged and in glue to beautify the look of the first page.

The second night, there is a photo of Nata cut by Rachel from the flyer that he got when Nata filled out activities as a guest lecturer at his campus. This clothes is the clothes that Nata had worn when he first met Rachel and now it does not fit because of her body which is more contained.

There is also a small print of Rachel and Nata's wedding photos complete with their wedding date and a funny illustration that Rachel etched in her book. Nata rubbed the face of Rachel in the photo, for some reason her heart grimaced unstoppably to shed tears.

The third page is filled with family photos. Eva, Ruby, Brandon, Ivana, Martha and Brams. Unfortunately, Rachel crossed Brams' face with a red marker. Nata barely recognized the face of the man in the photo. It's definitely Rachel was that angry at her sister-in-law.

Next page is open. There is a lot of material that Rachel notes about the growth and development of a special child like Brandon. Many theories of understanding and practice that he deliberately noted to be better able to take care of Brandon. Apparently Rachel's efforts are earnest in terms of taking care of Brandon. That's why Brandon really likes his favorite Acen mom.

On this page Nata smiles to see the photo of Rachel with Brandon who is always cheerful. She was certain that one day, Rachel would become a loving mother.

The next page is a note on Martha's habits. What he likes, what he hates. It's Rachel's attempt to understand her mother who often hates her. He even wrote down the first time Martha slapped and grabbed her hair. It turns out, it's been since the first day of their wedding, precisely at the hotel on the night of their bride.

Nata was quite surprised because Rachel had been treated unfairly from her mother but her wife never complained. He persisted in his principle that he could still love Martha.

On the next page, Nata is surprised by Rachel's notes about Brams. All of Brams' attempts to harass her, Rachel wrote in full. All kinds of poignancy and fear he wrote including his fear, the selection of sentences he should use when talking to Nata.

“What mas Nata will trust me?” a single sentence made Nata close his eyes and return to tears. Seabai was his attitude towards the fear his wife had. He could imagine how scared and agitated Rachel was. Rachel was even traumatized and frightened when Nata approached her.

It is true that Rachel's confession that all this time she struggled alone. He can face Brams or Martha but face Nata?

On the next page, Nata reads his wife's outpouring of hearts about him. About Nata's cold demeanor, his disappointment at seeing Nata laughing in front of others and also about the sweet surprise Nata prepared for him. A necklace that Ivana was actually buying instead of her.

Throughout the story, he could feel Rachel's extremely happy feelings. Seen from the selection of positive sentences. He must admit Rachel is always trying to speak with a positive word selection even though she is angry and disappointed. Far away from her who was always cranky and cold.

Dandi next page He wrote, “How is this, I started not to recognize myself. I started to feel alien to Rachel who was in the mirror. I feel he is someone else.” Write Rachel.

“I feel mas Nata is hiding something from me. But what?”

“I found a photo and my heart was broken.”

“Aruni, she mentioned that name in her sleep. What am I still here for?”

Those few sentences were so striking among the others that they deeply reflected Rachel's fears and doubts.

“But I love him. What with me gone she can be happier?” that sentence was the last sentence Rachel wrote two nights ago.

And then Rachel left him. Leaving Nata alone and lonely.

What should he do now if it turns out that this time he feels empty and not necessarily direction?

"The submission is there, I'm not okay after your departure. Why do you think I'll be happy after you leave?" nata began to regret.

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