Become Him

Can't be him

A cold gust of wind pierced Rachel's skin as she opened her bedroom window. The new day has begun again and ready or not, he must prepare for today.

He was silent for a while in front of the balcony letting the cold embrace him tightly. He still sees dew points that gather at the end of the foliage and then drip without being able to last longer on the surface of the leaves.

It calms because the sounds of nature in the morning are like ushering in a new spirit for him.

Since last night, Rachel could not sleep, only a few hours she closed her eyes and her mind was still not careless. During sleep he kept dreaming of falling into a black hole and spinning in his vortex without stopping. He felt trapped by his own dead-end mind.

Several times Rachel sighed deeply and then exhaled slowly. He rubbed his stomach which was still tense since last night.

Since last night, there was a red stain on her underwear that she expected to meet with her monthly guests. But this time it seems like her menstrual period is coming too late. Maybe that's what makes his lower abdomen always tense and sick.

He thought to drink menstrual drinks even though in his mouth had imagined the taste of sepet that he might feel all day.

“What not first? Later if my mouth is not good, even uncomfortable filming time.” Rachel muttered to herself in her place.

“Where's my shirt?” nata's distinctive voice blew Rachel's mind.

The man seemed to give Rachel no room to think about himself.

“Mas want to go to the office today?” rachel asked who was approaching her husband. It's Saturday, I don't know what her husband will do.

“No, I work from home.” Nata stared at Rachel for a moment.

The woman nodded and smiled, then took the clothes for her husband from the closet. Rachel gives Nata a shirt stel.

“Mas, today I have a second commercial shooting in the studio. Maybe I'll be out of the house all day. I also want to go to some places with my manager because there are things we have to do. I asked permission mas?” rachel's permission to her husband.

“Hem.” Only that was a short speech from Nata who either cared or didn't.

Rachel sat down on the sofa looking at her husband who was wearing clothes. Then she approached Nata, helping her husband button up his clothes and tidying up his appearance. He looked at the chest of the field last night and the sturdy arm that did not stop touching his body.

That field chest and sturdy arm made Rachel feel very wanted by her husband's passion but not loved by his heart. Especially when he heard the name of someone called Nata in his sleep. Akh, his chest starts to tight again if he remembers that.

“Where was overtime yesterday, was the job done?” Rachel tried to shift her focus.

“Lumayan.” Nata, not too enthusiastic.

“I can't tell you a story these few days? Who knows with the story mas, although I have not been able to ngaish solution, who knows the feeling of mas can be more relieved.”

To be honest, he was currently fishing for a chat with Nata.

“Nothing is strange. Only work.” That short passage Nata gave him.

Rachel nodded in understanding, it seemed like Nata would never open.

“Night, I'm denger mas ngigo. Is there a client that sucks until his name mas bring to the dream?” rachel Fishing.

He raised his face and looked at Nata.

“You mean?” Nata scrunched his forehead not understanding. The feeling last night he was sleeping restlessly. But he didn't mention anything except,

“Aruni, the name you call when you sleep. Is he a shitty client?” rachel had difficulty holding her voice so as not to tremble. She made a small smile while looking into her husband's eyes. He waited for Nata's honesty.

But it's not that easy for Nata. Nata was stunned to hear the name spoken clearly by Rachel's thin lips. He lowered Rachel's hand that was rubbing her chest and took a step back away from Rachel.

“Where did you hear that name?” Nata is starting to look agitated.

“From mas itself. He said his name with fear. No, don't go Aruni.” Rachel's voice sounded low and shook slightly, just like Nata's last night.

“I think mas may be a nightmare because a client refused mas. Is that true?”

Believe me, to pretend to be stupid like this requires great strength and courage. Rachel's chest rumbled as she recalled Nata's words that kept ringing in her ear as she mentioned the name.

“Stop. He's a nobody.” Nata said, turning his face away from Rachel. Her chest thumped fiercely looking at Rachel's figure along with Aruni's shadow that appeared in her mind.

“Oh yes? Is it true that he is nobody? That's a woman's name, loh mas. I could have misunderstood that I didn't make it clear who he was.” Rachel's fishing rod is getting urgent.

“Your choice if you want to misunderstand, obviously he is nobody!” nata started to get cornered. Not one bit he dared to look at Rachel's face which was currently being destroyed by Nata's denial.

Rachel gave a small smile with tears already gathered at the corner of her eyes. He took something out of the drawer and put it on the bed. Nata's eyes immediately rounded when he saw the photo album Aruni was between him and Rachel.

“Where did you take this from?” nata exclaimed in annoyance.

“One knows getting married, and all this time I've been wondering what my husband has in mind. When his handsome face looks confused, he prefers to stay silent in his study, instead of talking to me or just telling stories even though maybe I can not give meaningful input.”

“I think, it's because I think I don't understand anything. But I guess, it's because I don't want to know anything.”

Rachel moved from her place, her body that was originally trembling at this moment was already strong enough to stand up to Nata. She looked at her husband's dense netra with eyes that were smiling with pain.

“I realize, a person can have a past that he has experienced and must be very memorable. I'm also aware that everyone has the choice to continue to hold onto that past or reconcile and accept it as part of his life.”

“I tuh, Kasian is actually the same as me. My foolish mind always thought that my husband was a great man because even though he did not like our marriage, did not love his wife and had a hard time accepting my presence, he never cheated. He never looked for another woman for him to sleep with. I thought hard how to compensate for Mas.”'s efforts and struggles This time Rachel's tears escaped dripping. The defense is starting to be fragile.

“But, since yesterday I was slapped by the fact that in fact I was the only one who was struggling alone.

"Cheating isn't just about being in contact with another woman. It's not just about texting and paying more attention to other women. Not also about sleeping with other women.”

“The mind of a couple who thought of another woman while her body was encased in my body turned out to be a much bigger blow that I had received.”

“Lisptick this,” Rachel pointed at her lips that were wearing a bold red color as Nata wished, she pointed.

“Is the usual lispstick Aruni uses.” Rachel rubbed it off harshly using the back of her hand, until the rest of her lipstick fell apart on her cheeks.

“This haircut, is a very suitable haircut for Aruni.”

“This shirt,” Rachel pointed at the shirt she was wearing.

“Favorite dress model Aruni.”

“Even this nightgown,” Rachel throws a maroon red nightgown over the Mattress. This time his breath was puffed. Her tears came back but she tried to smile.

“Is the usual nightgown Aruni wears.”

“Then, when last night mas ferociously touch and enjoy my body, who is in my mind? Me or Aruni?” rachel's words sounded slow but full of emphasis. His trembling voice seemed to be greeted with his tears that just dripped back.

He stared intently at Nata, the man who made him not feel loved but physically and mentally abused.

“Who's mas?” Rachel moved her foot closer to Nata.

“Can I know the answer mas?” his voice was barely heard. She leaned on Nata to hear her husband's answer.

Time went on but no sound was heard. There is no mention of a name by Nata who pecked in front of him with a chest that slips. He still could not even finish his thoughts about Rachel and Aruni being mixed in his head like a puzzle fracture scattered and he could not assemble let alone unite.

There was only the sound of the clock ticking loud and the sound of Rachel's breath sounding heavy.

“Mas can't answer?” rachel asked who had regained her steps. He looked at Nata with disappointment.

His trembling hand was about to touch Nata's face but then he stopped.

“I once thought, that a forced marriage can end happily. You may argue because your perceptions are not the same. There will be a little disappointment because what we live is not in our desire.”

“If it's about Martha's rude attitude towards me, I can make peace even if the wound is painful enough. If it's about Brams' abuse of me, I can fight it and defend myself. But if it's about my past that I have to fight against, about mas who chose not to let go of the past and instead make me as him because mas never need me but only need the past mas. Then, I give up.”

“I think I totally agree that our marriage was forced to end happily. Ends happily with each other's choices.”

“So, let's end it all. We'll just split up.” Resolute Rachel who tried to stand straight in front of Nata.

She smiled at her husband but then her tears broke. He sobbed with trembling shoulders moving up and down in front of Nata without ever turning his face away. She still wants to see her husband's face for the last time before he actually leaves.”

Nata did not chim in, he fell silent in his place with teary eyes and an ignorant mind. Once upon a time he turned his face away from Rachel. From a face filled with many disappointments and painful wounds.

“Thank you for all your time. I'm sorry because I can no longer fulfill my desire to be him.” Speak with heavy and rough breaths and sighs.

Rachel felt, what she had to say, had been entirely conveyed. So, he chose to take the backpack he had prepared since last night. Since he heard the name Aruni called Nata.

This morning he hesitated because he thought Nata would choose him today. But from Nata's silence, she already knew exactly what her husband's choice was.

Without saying a word, Rachel finally left the room. The room was in his place for over a year.

More than that, he decided to leave Nata's life. He could no longer fight alone because he had nothing to fight for.

*****