Beautiful That's Me

Towards UTBK

            I started to look at the bookshelves my mother bought. Even though I fought with her a lot, I actually loved that shitty woman a lot. On that shelf, mom always bought me textbooks. He always asked me if I had learned anything not yet every want to sleep, even when I was on school holidays. Maybe you want to have a smart kid. In fact, my own name. This shitty name, sounds so scientific. My mother made a name like that. Mama's prayer to me may be so great, but my efforts are nothing more than chicken butt. I give up easily and cry.

            When I came home from the bimbel yesterday, I asked Alvi. Why yes, humans how there are beautiful there are not, there are those who are not? I don't think it's fair. And Alvi replied, “All beautiful people in the eyes of grateful people have it. Everyone can be smart if they try. In fact, the barrier between the two is only willing and unwilling Can.” I've been overthinking to this day.

            I then took the headset and listened to the koplo dangdut. I felt my brain evaporate thinking about it. Should I start studying? But isn't it too late? Aaah, I'm confused.

Notification sound from hp. It turned out that the message from Wawan. I ignored the message, it was not important Si Centelan Wajan sent me a short message night and night. But, seen in the statusbar he discussed about Alvi, I swiftly scattered the phone.

“Gue saw you yesterday boncergan ama si Alvi nyet. You can?”

I scrunched my forehead. Then reply to that message.

“Gue to bimbel place together. Mama who told.”

“Jah, kirain you wear pellets. Wkwkwk”

“Dih, ni son mouth ga schooled emang.”

“Casual Can. Do you have any plans to go to college where?”

“Udah.“

“Where?”

“UBN”

“Hah? UBN?” Wawan wrote with an emot pictured curious monkey.

“National Bu Nur University”

“Lah, Si tuyul!” Wawan wrote with an upset emot.

“Lu tau ga, Alvi will take SNM where?” writing again.

“Ngak. Where's emang?”

“Kedokterankalo not in Jakarta ya in Jogja.”

“Oh”

“Dih, oh doang”

“Lha trus I have to how else Wan?”

“Ya trying cake to make at least one campus so.”

“Auk ah, mager.”

“Can, Si Dewi also take pharmacy at the same campus lo,”

“Iyaa, that's why Can. From now on you must learn. Let you get in there. Btw, btw,

I'm sure same you kok.”

“How are you sure?”

“You are sure you are welcome, awowkwowkok.”

“Satan bye!!”

            I hung up my phone and started laying on the bed. Registration for UTBK is near. I don't even know where to go. But, in the depths of my heart, I honestly want to try on campus. But, if not accepted, it will become a liver disease. Gatau ah, thought about tomorrow first. drowsy really want to sleep.

             I closed my eyes deeply. My mind went to a place that didn't know what it was called. There, I imagined being able to do math problems easily. I was so genius that I made everyone cry from being moved to see me. There, integral, limit, and algebra problems seem to turn into adorable funny ducks. I smiled at her, so I continued to sink into the dream. The dream eventually backfired for myself.

***

        This morning it was heavy on my head. Maybe because UTBK is some time away. God, even I still don't know where I'm going and what direction. I also often get bad grades on tryouts. Yes, because my brain may have been set as fast as a gini. Especially about mathematics. I really want to burn the sea about it. Being a person who doesn't understand lessons makes me feel like I'm losing my self-esteem. My friends, even my parents always look at me differently. Yeah, maybe my feelings anyway. But I really feel like my mom loves Candra more than I do. Huft, I feel depressed about this stupidity. Is there a vaccine that makes people smart for a second? Is there a drug that can make a class champion?

            Every time I read a textbook, I was instantly invaded by millions of drowsiness. My eyes are covered in thick fog. Suddenly from the sidelines of the roof of the room came out a poisonous gas that made me yawn thousands of times. Like a very potent drug. I finally fell asleep. This situation is always repeated I do from SD. My mother often scratched my ears because of this habit.

            I threw myself on the bed, hugging my smell. Where do I go to High School? What majors should I major in? Am I in his department my friend? But I don't know if I deserve anything. Sarah said she wanted to enroll in PGSD. Yes, he seems to have known that the advantages can teach and be patient. For example, I have been patient with friends for 3 years. I

fall silent again. Ahhhhh!!!!! Thinking on continuing makes me more dizzy. My hand grabbed the phone on the table. I see, in Grub there are already some children who can campus. Congratulations popping up to meet the force grub. I'm feeling less confident. Must be so happy for her parents.

            I went back to thinking about a lot of things. Was I created to be the one who got hurt like this? Why don't I have any advantages in this world? Mama used to crave what the hell? I am so tired of living as a man like this. I just want to be happy with my mom. Yes, at least do not make mama embarrassed because her daughter is a burden on the family. I gulped the melon juice in my hand. I realized, it was not melon juice, but fake melon. I mean, it's just melon-flavored drinks. I frowned and placed it on the study table. Very sad anjir.

            That box room makes me regret my life. Yes, maybe lately, because it is approaching the test and UTBK. Sarah also suddenly became busy because she had to prepare for UTBK. As for me, I spent a minimum of 6 hours per day in grief and self-pity, why was I born an Equivalent Cantika?!!! Saying your own name is emotional.

            Door opens. Mom came in with a red apple. His face was sumringah because he had just won the arisan. He put that apple on my study table. I thanked her and she went back to the kitchen. I looked at the apple carefully. Remember, if the force of gravity was found because of apples. Ah, if only the apple had not fallen, surely the physics lesson so reduced by a little burden. I immediately ran out of the room. Looking around the house, then saw mama was watering flowers in front. I ran to my mom.

“Ma, what will I enter?”

Mama who had been watering the plants earlier, turned off the faucet and approached me.

“What majors do you want Can?”

I'm rattled.

“No idea, that's why I asked mama”

Mom breathed deeply. He told me to start a major on campus. Starting from courses, employment prospects, and accreditation as well. Mama said it was very important to consider so that I did not get the wrong department.

            I nodded and headed to my desk. Start to find out the various majors of soshum and kepoin majors that. All day I struggled to find out, there was nothing I cared about. I'm getting confused with myself. But I don't know why tonight I'm so excited about myself. My mouth represents the crescent moon. Smiling with the activities I did today, it turns out I can also be in front of the study table until night. For the first time, the study table didn't sedate me.

            After it was late, I finally found a major that caught my attention. Yaps, a major that I think I can reach and I can afford to live it. Indonesian Literature Department. I began to feel soreness in the back, because all day I have spent a lot of time comparing hundreds of majors in Indonesia. I forgot to shower. Ah, the bodoamat.