The Wedding With Converse

Episode 6

If indeed you will become my next loss, in the future, I cannot even guess how long I will suffer.

A week after confessing about her pregnancy to Raskal, Joana decides not to attend school. Just to avoid Raskal, Joana's daily activities are simply confinement in the room. Like the undead, Joana suddenly lost the spirit of life a week ago. Joana's condition certainly makes all members of her family panic. Many times the father, mother, and two brothers asked what the problem was that girl was experiencing. However, Joana chose a silence. There was even one day where Damar, Joana's father, snapped at her youngest daughter. Joana is silent. He did not want to open his mouth until the entire Joana family gave up and let him.

Raskal—even if honestly already on the verge of despair or maybe almost crazy just to persuade Joana to talk—still insist to make Joana want to open her mouth. This week, precisely when returning from school, Raskal always took the time to visit Joana's house. Although every time he comes Joana always screams hysterically telling him to leave, Raskal remains faithful waiting for the girl in his yard. Until the night picked up, until the guy barely ate all day, Raskal still faithfully waited for the girl to come out of the room and give an explanation about the news of her pregnancy the other day.

Although hard to accept the fact, although he was not ready with all the possibilities that will happen in the future, and even though he was afraid of the anger of the Joana family, he was not prepared, in fact, Raskal still survives to choose responsibility for what he does. He had long since lost his parents figure from childhood. Now, he does not want to lose his best friend and loved one again.

“Gue was not on purpose, Vin. I swear I have no intention to destroy him,” explained Raskal to Gavin with a voice and a frustrated face. Gavin and Reza could only sigh heavily at Raskal's messy state. Honestly, when hearing Raskal's confession half an hour ago, the two were confused as to what to say. For a few minutes, Gavin and Reza were at a loss for words.

“Gue scared, Vin, Ja. I was afraid,” groaned Raskal again while snatching all his hair that was now disheveled.

Gavin reached out and patted Raskal on the shoulder. “Udah. Yes, Kal. Now you just have to follow what I said.”

Raskal raised his head, looking straight into Gavin's eyes. “Gue wants that too. I want responsibility. I'm ready if I have to marry him. But, if his condition turned around, he even meant me not to interfere and choose to leave, what should I do? How should I go?”

“Lo used to tell us the same story, the beginning of lo sahabatan with Joana was because Joana kept trying to make sure you make it become him.” Reza then just picked up the talk, making Raskal reflexively stare at him. “If he can, why not? Now it's your turn. It's your turn to convince him that you want responsibility.”

Raskal smiled wryly. He turned his face. “Gue not sure I can.”

“Lo bright?” ask Gavin sharply.

Raskal.

“If so, do what Reza said earlier. Lakuin or forever lo I consider cowardice,” said Gavin again, making Raskal can not argue at all.

***

As Reza suggested, after school Raskal returned to visit Joana's house. He was determined, today should be successful to talk to Joana. He had to deal with the girl somehow. Although having to settle into the girl's room through the window, Raskal did not mind it. To be clear, today he had to meet Joana.

So, arriving at Joana's house, armed with a package of pizza and a variety of snacks that Joana likes, Raskal began the action. After first asking Givi for permission, Joana's second brother, Raskal slowly began to climb over the walls of Joana's house. The minimalist design of the Damar family house makes it easy to climb and reach the window of Joana's room which happens to be open.

From the window, Raskal saw Joana who was twirling the basketball with a state of mind that is not fully aware. The girl looks gloomy and pale. Making Raskal who saw him powerless back in the face of guilt.

“Jo,” call Raskal who is now standing in front of the window.

Joanna did not answer. He was busy with his black basketball. Looks like the girl has not noticed Raskal's presence.

“Joana, it's me,” call Raskal again. This time with a voice that made Joana drop her basketball and turn to the guy.

At first, Joana thought that the presence of Raskal in her room was just an illusion. Maybe just brain trickery. However, as soon as she saw Raskal's weak smile, Joana immediately rose to her feet with a hardened look like she was electrocuted by thousands of volts.

“How can you get in? Huh?” joana asked sharply. His eyes looked at the nyalang Raskal whose hands were carrying plastic shopping.

Raskal sighed. “Lo forgot? This isn't the first time I've been in your room from a window. Here, I bring your favorite food. Lo eat, yes.”

“Out!” joana exclaimed, completely indifferent to Raskal's words just now.

“Gue bring your favorite pizza,” said Raskal again as he approached Joana who is currently standing in the corner of the room.

“Gue says get out!” joana finally. “Gue don't want to see you!”

Shocked by Joana who suddenly screamed hysterically, Raskal reflex silenced the girl by bringing her into a hug. Joana made a great revolt, but Raskal held back so much as to make Joana can not dwell anymore.

“Gue is wrong, Jo. I know I was wrong,” said Raskal lirih. “Gue knows that apologizing is not enough. I'll take responsibility. I won't leave you that.”

In Raskal's arms, Joana once again cried out loud. The girl blew up all the emotions that she had this week to put up with.

“Lo nasty, Kal. Lo jerk!” maki Joana with her sobs. “Lo don't know how broken I am now? Huh uh?! I am confused as to how. I'm not ready to have a child. Lo fuck, Kal! Damnit!”

Raskal loosened his embrace slightly to look Joana in the eye. However, instead of staring back, Joana turned her face away.

“Now look at me! I can't see your eyes. I'm ashamed, Kal! After the incident that night, I was honestly embarrassed to see you! I've been tormented with my own shame. My heart always says, I'm dirty. I am not valuable. I'm broken!” joana's screams couldn't stand it. Her tears are back.

“Jo, horrified me,” Raskal holds both shoulders Joana firmly, “gue will be responsible. I swear to God I'll take responsibility!” exclaim Raskal firmly and confidently.

Joana jerked Raskal's hand from his shoulder. “Responsibility in what way?! If you take responsibility, everything will make me back to my original?! What with your responsibilities, you can make me normal again?! Huh?!” Raskal. His body suddenly froze when he heard word for word Joana. More than just stuck, the sentence was able to make Raskal limp. Makes the guy instantly lose all his energy. So, as soon as Joana's hand forcibly pulled her out of her room, Raskal could no longer revolt.

Brak!

The loud sound of the room door that Joana closed sounded hollow in Raskal's ears. It was so hollow that he felt like he had heard nothing but the sound of his own heartbeat.

He made Joana lose her honor. He made Joana lose her teenage years.

All that thinking is driving Raskal crazy. Increasingly made the man constantly lashed with guilt many times in his heart.

Raskal falls down on Joana's doorstep. Like a child, Raskal folded his legs and cried between the curves of his knees.

***

Nearly two hours Raskal sat quietly in front of Joana's bedroom door. Joana's parents and brothers have repeatedly reminded her to go home because the day has started at night. However, Raskal remained motionless from the spot. The guy insisted on waiting for Joana to come out of the room.

“Actually you are the same Joana what is the problem anyway?” damar asked after the middle-aged man reprimanded Raskal for coming home.

Raskal turned his head, looking at Damar who was now standing not far away. From the look of his tired face, the man who had been considered like his own father was very worried about the condition of Joana who did not want to be spoken to. Knowing the situation, Raskal could not control himself in his heart. If Damar had known that the cause of his daughter being like this was him, the one who was supposed to look after Joana, maybe Damar would have killed Raskal right then and there.

Raskal gulped his saliva with great difficulty. Then, with great difficulty he put a thin smile on Damar while shaking his head slowly. “Common fight, Om. Give me a moment to talk to Joana.”

Damar exhaled loudly. “Ya. But, if up to an hour Joana still does not want to leave the room as well, you go home aja.”

Raskal nodded. “Iya, Om. Thanks.”

After Damar leaves, Raskal knocks on Joana's door, calling her out of her room. However, it remained the same, his call being ignored just like that. Not responded to by Joana at all.

“Ten years ago, you still want the beginning why we can be friends? In fact, at that time I was clearly always rejecting your presence repeatedly. But, you are still stubborn to be my friend. In fact, putin said everything that you were my birthday gift at the time,” said Raskal later. “Gue is a strange child, autistic, and even ever sentenced to be crazy as people because for seven years of my life I almost never had a friend. But, you don't seem to care about that. With this way you are sure that I am not like people think. Toll!”

In the room, when he heard Raskal's explanation from behind the door, Joana could not hold back her emotions. The girl bit her lips tightly—trying to hold back her tears from falling.

“If only ... if you are not stubborn, if you do not continue to be determined so I am your friend, and if you are justin I am alone, maybe the situation will not be like this. You won't be ruined because of me, Jo.”

Silent. Raskal no longer continued his talk and preferred silence. Not because now his head feels willing to break or his chest is slowly getting crowded until he is difficult to breathe, but because Joana who is not affected by the explanation earlier. Although it is not easy to bring back old wounds, Raskal still uses the explanation as the last hope to open Joana's heart. With hope, the girl is willing to give him the opportunity to correct mistakes and take responsibility for all the problems he has caused. However, when he realized that the explanation was not also ignored Joana, Raskal was sure that now he no longer had any chance.

“For the rest of my life, I almost never felt this desperate. Even so— is the same as lo before—gue will never give up. I will always chase you wherever you go. I will always be on your side even if you don't want to see me. I will do anything until you can accept my presence again, however. I'm not gonna let you ruin yourself, Jo. Won't!” exclaim Raskal with great emphasis.

Just as Raskal got up, Joana opened the door and pulled Raskal's arm. Make the guy face him again. When looking, Raskal's gaze may be dim. But, Joana still maintained her unsettling gaze.

“Care me abortion clinic. That's the only path we have,” Joana said directly. Raskal gaped when he heard it, but the girl did not care. If he wants to save his future and the future of this guy in front of him, he must get rid of the fetus in the stomach as soon as possible.

“No! As hell as I am, I would never kill my own son!” reject Raskal raw. From the look on his face, he was very unexpected with the idea proposed by Joana.

Joana twists her eyeballs. Afraid of their conversation being heard by her family, Joana pulls Raskal into the room again, then locks the door from the inside.

“He's still blood, Kal. Not yet human!” continued Joana in flames.

Raskal shook his head. “Not going, Jo! I was tortured enough to feel guilty. I won't be able to increase my regret again by letting our son die!”

Joana is sitting down. One hand ruffled his hair. Raskal who saw it immediately responded to bring the girl's body into the embrace.

“What if I know, Kal? What if we know? How can we live after this?” joana muttered with an empty look. “We haven't even passed SMA.”

Raskal gulped his hard-earned saliva. Imagining Joana's words earlier is not able to make her stomach nauseous. Although required to be calm in order to control Joana's emotions as well, to be honest Raskal was also afraid. He was confused, if this matter was known to his family or Joana's family, what should he say? What should he explain?

“If we marry, can we live this life ourselves? Even though schoolwork sometimes we still complain, Kal. How do we make people scorn? Our own mockery? How we—”

“No need there ‘kita’,” cut Raskal suddenly, making Joana turn to look at him. “If you are not ready with all the risks, there is no need for ‘kita’. I'm enough. Enough of me who giggled.”

Joana grunts. “Oh, yes? How?”

Raskal outlined his embrace. He looked into Joana's eyes. “We marry. I'll lamar lo as soon as possible. During the waiting time you lahiran, you were forced to take a school leave first. After that, let this kid be my business. And lo ... it's up to you to stay with me or,” again Raskal gulped his hard-earned saliva, “or go.”

Joana stunned. He shone a look of disbelief at Raskal. While Raskal smiled weakly at Joana while extending one hand to Joana's head and rubbing her best friend's head slowly.

“Gue wrong. I'm dickhead. I have broken you. How could I be more selfish than that? Let this be my problem. Okay?”

Joana's tears that had been detained had finally dripped as well. He was sad, but also angry. At the moment he is confused as to how. He had never imagined that the shadows of the future could be this terrible for him.

“Actually what's the reason you confessed it? I was half dead at the time. Whatever drunk you are, you should be able to recognize me and immediately stop,” Joana said in a soft tone. He looked blankly at the wall of his room.

Raskal chose not to answer. The real reason he did that was mostly because he had lost control of being drunk. But, on the other hand, before he did that, he had honestly recognized Joana. However, whether there is a demon that enters into Raskal to make him forget himself and abandon logic. What Raskal thought back then was just one—Joana should be his. Anyhow.

Raskal got up from his seat, then walked towards the door of the room. Before he steps out, Raskal says something to Joana.

“Gue can lose anything. Anything, other than lo.”