The Black Valley Becomes the Empress
The Part 13
..."God, where are you now? Didn't you promise not to leave your people? But why aren't you there when I need help. You never helped me when I was in trouble. Ahhh, God why did you choose me to play your scenario on this one? All I know is, you're fair. But what kind of justice is this? Are you forgetting that you created me? Lord, am I not your creation? Have I not always been kind to my family? Then why are you punishing me so cruelly? As if you wanted to rip my trust in You."...
I stopped my activities when the doctor and some nurses came to see me. I put the paper and the bolpoint on the table beside my bed.
"Good morning. How'd his sleep start to get better last night?" ask the doctor to me. I just nodded slowly. The doctor began to examine my body. I injected some medicine into my body. He explained my lab results. There are some medical languages he mentioned that I don't understand at all. But from all the explanations I can conclude, if I'm okay. Bleeding in my female organs is only due to the factor of rough friction to cause scratches. The doctor advised me to stay in the hospital for the next few days while keeping my observation. I think it's okay for me to stay here until I'm fully recovered, anyway if I go back to my workplace I can just stay still without being able to work. My intimate area was still painful as I moved.
"It took me about how long the doc took so I wouldn't feel pain. Especially when I'm urinating" I asked.
"A few days" he said. "When did you last menstruate?" the question surprised me. I started thinking hard about everything that happened in my life.
"I forgot the doc. What do I remember, it's been over a year that I don't menstruate?" i said lirih. I saw the doctor clenching his forehead. "I follow the Dock KB program" I continued again. The doctor then nodded his head. He no longer asks me anything. I know there are a lot of questions that he keeps enough in his heart.
"You're too young. Your journey is still long" continued the doctor again. I just nodded as I occasionally opened my lips to ask questions or even just talk, but I paused my intentions. The question and the sentence came back I kept only in my heart. The doctor left after examining me carefully. I'm back alone. Caged in this room, without being able to do anything. The only thing I can do is write sentence by sentence on white paper. He kept saying the doctor's words. His face was clean glowing. There was a friendly impression of dignity from his face, although the strokes of aging could no longer be hidden. It might have only been a few minutes after the doctor and a few nurses left my room. The boredom came back to me. I got back to paper and bolpoint. Started to write something on that paper.
......"Lord, don't you see how I am right now? I'm locked up in this room myself. Laughing at my misfortune. While waiting for the magic that I hoped would come to me. I know I have been ignoring you for a long time. Ignoring every call that the muezzins make in the mosque. Ignoring all my duties as your people. I'm not even asking you anymore. No more praying to you. I always hide in my silence. If only God could you have stopped my mother when she left me, if only you had stopped me from going to this city. Maybe all my life stories won't be like this. Just who should I blame? My mother's indifference? my stupidity? Or to the horror of your destiny?"......
I opened another sheet of that paper. And start writing sentence by sentence on it. Write word for word to represent the feelings that have been stored in my heart. No one knows about my past except my neighbors of course.
..."Mom, do I deserve to call him that? Calling the woman who had left me, my father and my two sisters just like that? I refuse to forget his face. I also refuse to forget the last bitten memories with the woman I hated to date. If only I could choose from which mother I wanted to be born. I still vividly remembered how the look on his face left me and my two sisters cried to hold him back from leaving. I still remember the moment she pushed me and silvana into the room and locked her from the outside. Not even Fadly's starving whining voice changed her intention to leave us. In the room, my sisters and I cried at each other. Staring at the mother from the window of the room who continued to step without looking back. I carried a fadly crying with hunger.trying to calm my sister to stop crying. Maybe all I can do is wait for my father to come home to free us from the cruel woman. The woman who gave birth to us, yet she gave up on the situation"...
When I think back to all that my heart always beats faster than usual. My anger's mounting. What a cruel woman mother has no sense of pity for us who are her own flesh and blood. I remember how we struggled after my mother left home and how we survived in a cramping economy. Not yet added to the father's debt to a loan shark for mortgaging the house we occupied at that time. We have to endure everything. While that woman is enjoying the proceeds of this house. How beautiful I am. I was too young to understand everything that happened to my family. But I know the disappointment that is clearly reflected in the face of the father when I tell all to the father.
