Bloody Pesantren

Single-minded

Losing me resuscitated me

that they have hope in other than Allah

it will only cause disappointment and break hearts

❤

👽👽👽

I was finally able to fall asleep for a while, after the dawn prayer my eyes began to shut. From the hour and a half four, I'm authorized not to attend school. My heart and body are still too tired to convince this feeling that what happened a few hours ago is real. Plus the lack of sleep, made my condition weakened.

I woke up, because I heard the sound of crying and a little noise, which I believe was the voice of my friends who went home to teach. But I think it's still too early for them to finish teaching.

I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Fitri, what's wrong with her? why is she crying so early.

"Ra, are you awake?" Iqlima came up to me, I looked at them one by one, what's wrong with them?

"Malikis...Ra, Malik's dead" I'm back sculpting. I already knew that, and I found the body last night myself. But hearing directly from others turned out to be like this.

"Fitri was crying because of that" Iqlima added, looking at me wistfully. I was still silent, wanting to feel like I was spilling my tears again, but my tears had dried up from last night.

I have to be strong, they can't know that I'm so devastated. I do love Malik, but they don't really know that. Only Iqlima knows exactly how I feel about Malik.

"Innalillahiwainnailaihiroji'un" Gumamku said.

"No!! Malik is alive! He's not dead!!!" I was flabbergasted, hearing Fitri suddenly shout. He looked at me sharply, as if my words had hurt him.

"Udah Fit, you don't believe it" Nisa looked at Fitri concerned. What the hell is going on? Why Fitri was so devastated to hear the news of Malik.

"Six years I hid this feeling, asking him in silence. Struggling, trying to be better. But why did God take Malik? Why is God so like me? Even Malik himself doesn't know how I feel!! why!! Why this cruel fate!! why..." I was back in touch, so all this time Fitri secretly liked Malik, kept what the joke meant for me. Six years, that means he liked Malik before me. Six years ago I didn't even know Malik. As for him, he had been keeping his joy for that long.

Why didn't I realize that? Why do I seem blind to Fitri's attitude when it comes to Malik.

"Fit... " Nisa started crying, I knew she couldn't see anyone else crying.

"Malik is alive, isn't it Ca, Del. The scarf I knitted for her is ready, and she's a birthday"

So all this time, only I didn't know that Fitri liked Malik. Or I'm not so sensitive to my own feelings.

As soon as it came back, the pain came back I felt. It turns out that there are more hurt than me, some more lost than me.

"Fit, Ikhlaskan's. Malik won't be calm if there's still people crying over him" I still can't believe, I can talk like this. Trying to strengthen Fitri, while I fell this deep.

"Ikhlaskan?! It's easy to talk like that Ra, because you don't know ! how does it feel to lose someone you love! you don't even have it" 

You're wrong, you're wrong. You don't know what it's like to find the person you love has become a corpse, and that's what I'm going through, I found Malik myself, looking at the body that's not perfectly formed in the barrel.

Broken down? I'm more broken, even I'm just like you, loving him in silence. He mentions his name in every last bow.

My tears escaped, breaking through the defenses I had made. Sorry eyes, right now my brain and my heart don't agree.

"Sorry Fit"

"Malik said it was found in a lake near the maqam" Iqlima told me.

The lake? Not in the barrel. I'm sure Inspiration is behind this. But what does he mean he did this.

"Fit, you calm down. Ustadzah said that if we were told to go to worship" Fitri kept silent, Dela's words could not change her feelings now. 

Why must this hurt. I shed my tears outside, unbeknownst to them. I have tried hard, I have been as strong as possible to give. But not as easy as I imagined, the pain was still there even more gaping.

Allahs. If I may ask.

If I could complain.

Why does destiny play tricks on me.

The longing that I fertilize sweet now even becomes a cry.

I brushed away my tears, taking slow breaths to regain my consciousness. I certainly could, when my father and mother left, I could get up and come back cheerful even on the day of his funeral I could still smile in front of my sister Adam. Even though that smile was a covering wound for my sister who still didn't understand anything.

I felt my shoulder being rubbed slowly. I closed my eyes for a moment removing the marks of sadness that might still be clearly visible in my eyeballs.

I turned, found Iqlima looking at me full of affection. Convince me that pain is not always worthless. Yes I understand, it is possible that God gave this pain and will one day replace it with great happiness. Is not God the best director? then why did I give up like this?

I hugged Iqlima tightly, trying to smile as if I was okay.

"Cry, I know you need a backrest" 

A single tear escaped. Iqlima is right, crying does not mean weak. But through tears, we are able to express what cannot be spoken by the mouth and is signaled by the eyes.

After a long time outside. Iqlima and I decided to go back in.  I've calmed down enough. I've started to take back control of myself.

Fitri looked at me for a moment, she already looked a little calm. But suddenly he got up and hugged me tightly.

"Sorry Ra." I returned his embrace tightly. I know he was just carried away by that feeling.

"Fit, no one can advance or reverse the death of an item for a second. Although all of us, all the inhabitants of heaven and earth are united to do so. God loves Malik. Allah wants to meet Malik first" Fitri remained silent, still hugging me tightly.

It's my job now, to convince him that God's destiny is the best.

"You used to say the same to me. I have to be careful with the miss. Excessive longing and affection for other than Allah will only bring anxiety that never goes out. Where is the always optimistic Fitri? We're all going to die, just waiting for that time to come"

Fitri let go of her embrace, looked at me confidently then slowly nodded and smiled.

Alhamdulillahot.

Thank you God

I'm begging you

turn this fear into a sense of calm,

Cool the heat of qalbu with confidence snow

Extinguish the embers of the soul with faith

Allahs...

Replace this pain with pleasure

Make this sadness the beginning of happiness.

And deliver from us sorrow and sorrow, and expel the abomination of our souls.