Bloody Pesantren

Bereft

"Malik!" Ilham murmured softly but still able to hear. His words earlier broke all the shields I made, what I saw was not a hallucination, I was crying hysterically, so the carcass that I thought the animal turned out to be Malik's body.

Inspiration soon came down to see me getting hysterical, I still couldn't believe it. So this is the answer to all those dreams, all the awkwardness I found. Means Malik who I've been meeting all this time is just a hallucination. I felt pain, pain, imagined that this was real.

I lost before I could have, from the beginning I never expected too much. But a loss like this is more torturous than the loss of him being stabbed by someone else. It is better to see him in someone else's arms than to accept the fact that he is gone forever.

Now I can what? Instead of me, he had left carrying the hope that I had long held.

"Ham, it's not Malik, is it? we're just hallucinating. It's just a dead animal..."

"Udah Ra! You can't gini" Inspiration tries to calm me, I shed my tears, this sadness is really stifling. I was really upset, the pain of losing it back I felt, once father, mother, and now Malik. Why do the people I love have to leave, what is my fault, do I not deserve to be happy?

"You go back to the dorm" I shook my head loudly, where I might come home after seeing and knowing a fact I didn't want at all.

"I don't want to!" I got up to climb the stairs again, but Inspiration soon got in the way.

"Istighfar Ra! Relax!" I fell back, crying silently in silence.

"How do I calm down Ham! Seeing someone I love lose a life like this!" Inspiration fell silent, he looked down.

"I'm just talking to you! because you've never lost it, how it feels to live with the people you love!" Inspiration approached though in the dark I was able to see the sharp gaze from his black eyes.

"I may not understand what you're feeling, but at least please calm down, don't act rashly. I beg you to trust me, I will take care of Malik's body as best I can. But I beg you to go back to the dorm" I know crying won't solve all this, crying won't bring back what was lost. But who can bear to see all this, I think it's right I have to calm down, it's not about how I feel, there are still many who will be hurt knowing this all. I have to be strong, I have to be strong. Didn't I feel this kind of loss?

"Loving to lose is one way we can mengikhlaskan, I know this is hard for you, for us. But this is not what Malik wanted" I was stunned, silent in silence.

"Come home, Malik's problem let me take care of it, just pray that all this awkwardness can be revealed as soon as possible, But it's enough that we both know what really happened to Malik" I looked up. Behind my eyes I was able to see the earnestness of the look of the eyes of Inspiration.

I tried to get up, smiling bitterly even though Inspiration could not see that. I looked once more at the water vat that turned out to carry a deep wound in my heart. I promise in my heart I will find the man who made Malik this way.

"We go through the south gate, I have the key" I nodded my feet behind Ilham leaving the maqam and of course leaving Malik still floating in the water barrel, horrendous.

"Ham" Call me soft in the dark, whether he has turned his body or not, because the flashlight that became the light he just turned off. But I knew he was still standing there because there were no footsteps I could hear.

There was no word, I decided to continue my words.

"Help me. Help me uncover all this.  I beg you, for Malik's sake" There is no silence.

" For our sake, and all" I doubt, what's underlying I'm asking for something this stupid. But in my heart I was sure Inspiration could help me, I would not be able to do it alone. Ask someone else besides him? I doubt it, because maybe no one will believe what I'm going through right now.

"I promise, for Our Sakes" I heard the pace of walking away from me, climbing the maqam quickly.

Now what am I supposed to do? The darkness of the night disguised my cries that returned to divorce, Isak that I endure really hurt my heart. I tried to accept but have not been willing to let go.

I had not yet moved from the front of the gate, after a few minutes Ilham had left, the lights were on again. I looked up to look at the water barrel that only the tip was visible. There, on top of that, I just got a great wound. A wound so discouraging, a wound that gave such terrible pain.

Loving loss is one way to let us know

The words of Inspiration came back, I have tried, even since the death of my father and mother, to make an effort. Laughter is one of the ways I love loss, pretending to be happy is one of the ways I forget sadness. But feeling the loss for the second time made the defense that I had been neatly stacked, crumbling, leaving the debris of grief that made my memory go back to the time, where the old wounds were created.

With a heart still bitter, with a mind still in turmoil, I walked slowly cleaving the path that connects the two ponds in front of the dormitory santriwati.

Without realizing that my feet were at the door, I did not want everyone to know, I immediately wiped away the trail of tears that strangely kept flowing.

I pushed the door I left unlocked when I left earlier. It's the same as the first time I left. They are still sleeping peacefully, if they were in my position right now, would they still be able to fall asleep like this?

"Why is our meeting this short? I haven't even stopped asking you in my do'a" I sat dumbstruck on the bed, wanting it to feel like I closed my eyes, fell asleep and forgot about the incident I just experienced. But the more I tried, the more the shadow of the incident was recorded clearly. I wanted to go back to the maqam, but my little heart said no. And here I am now, only able to shed a bitter cry. Forgive me god, I have not been able to sincerely and accept this all.

My memories come back to me where I first met and knew a Malik.