Trying Again to Love You

He Convinced Me and My Parents, But Couldn't Restore My Heart.

That night I was busy with a pile of work that never finished, I no longer count the pile of coffee cups that took turns I brewed. However, the coffee that I had made for the antidote to drowsiness, seemed to no longer be able to withstand the drowsiness in my eyes.

In between trying to continue to wake up to stay awake, suddenly the workbench vibrates strongly and surprises me. Yes, I do prefer to make the feature of the phone with a vibrating mode, it feels if for a moment - the ringtone sounds, this head will feel dizzy to hear it.

With sleepy eyes, faintly I saw the name of the contact who called me, a glance unconsciously but I tried again to see it, and sure enough, the name on my phone, he said, a name I've lost and don't want to remember for three years.

After a while for me to think how, the heart began to rage. But still the feeling that once defeated all my ego.

" lloo.. ". (My voice is soft and doubtful).

Instantly the atmosphere became very quiet.

" How are you ? ". That voice, the same voice that I still remember until this second. I can no longer explain how the picture of my heart hears a voice I have not heard for three years.

" You remember, right ? ".

" yes.. What's the matter at night - phone night ? Btw, really tumben. Kirain Uda doesn't remember ".

" l.. You still love me ? ". I don't know what the meaning and purpose of those strange words came out.

" Why come - ask me that ? " (While unconsciously the lips move to form a thin curve ).

" Want to get married, would you ? ".

When the atmosphere went back to a moment of silence, it felt like I was no longer on earth and not in the sky. My soul was tossed about, the person I had loved for eight years and for years left me, now comes back and says things I might never have dared to hope for, after that incident.

That instant person, with a gesture and a hateful face left me without deciding where to take this relationship, the person I love so much, and hopefully I love him.

The one who left me only because he was disappointed with the circumstances of his life at that time, without him thinking about the condition of my life if he just left me, the man who has made me years and years must sew my own wounds, cover them little by little.

" How silent.. ". Ask her.

How can I answer, because it was only tonight that I realized that my heart was bland, although I could not deny, the phone from him made a thin smile on my lips, being an antidote to drowsiness beat the coffee that I had been sipping glass - many glasses.

" Want us to be the same?, Dev.. mas still love you, mas want us to get married, you want ? ".

" As long as the mas mengantau, mas still think you Dev, mas tau mas wrong at that time, but after I thought - think, think, mas wants to marry a man who has been through a lot with mas ". (While and vibrating).

At that time also my memory goes back to three years ago, if you remember that then it feels like this chest hurts, the breath feels tight and I don't want to repeat it again. I no longer want to repeat loving people with all my heart even more than my love for anything on this earth.

I don't want to repeat anymore, feeling second by second I covered the wound in my heart made by him, I no longer want to feel how I struggle day by day to be able to live with all the pain of his passing, maybe for him easy, but not for me.

But I can't lie either, or I'm lying to myself, you know, tonight's been the most chaotic and confusing night of my life.

" This time I really - really Dev, please ". My conscience could hear the honesty in his voice, but my mind continued to refuse to accept this state of affairs.

" For serious proof or not, I want to talk about this directly with my mother. Whatever mother's decision will be, it will be my decision ".

" okay.. Mom's cell phone number is still the old one, right ? ". (looks full of passion).

" yes.. It's still the same ".

" Tomorrow mas phone, if it's tomorrow I'll tell you again ya ".

" yes.. " .

" Yes, I'm gonna hang up Dev's phone, all night ". Before he hung up the phone, I immediately rushed to press the red button on my phone, I was still not ready with the conversation that made my heart shake.

Immediately after I hurried to close the laptop, clean myself and let my mind and body rest for a while, although in reality my mind still continued to float. And after an hour of circling the bed to the right and to the left my eyes finally closed.

" Dev.. Wake up at noon ". Mother's voice from behind the door.

" Yes Ma'am ". While still not aware of all the tempests last night ". It could be that my brain immediately restarted everything that happened, because I considered it illogical.

Rushing to the bathroom, done - done and eating delicious dishes made by mother, cuisine that any restaurant will not be able to beat it.

" Oya son, this morning very much Pras phone mom ".

" yes.. Keep talking what ? " . (Frightened and full of questions).

" He said he wanted to ask for your marriage license, he said he couldn't go home immediately to bed, because of work, but he wanted the marriage as soon as possible ".

" What.. does she say that, Mom, what do you keep saying ? ", Pura - pura covered the panic.

" Yes if mother is up to you, if her intentions are good why not?, after all your mother Uda dating long right ? ". I never knew what was really going on, no one even knew, I had been covering my own wounds.

Then not how long my phone vibrated, and sure enough he called me after knowing one of the chat features in my phone signifies I was online. I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

" Beautiful morning, are you awake ? ". Verily, whatever was connected with it, my heart was completely numb, but somehow the voice and speech that came out of his mouth made a faint smile again on my lips.

" Dev.. Last night you said, mom's answer was your answer, this morning I said yes. Dev. You're going to be my wife, you've talked that. "

Hearing the words that came out of his mouth, made me remember the incident again. Oh.. God, I have to be how I've been acting but my heart is still really not ready.