Traces of Love Joke

The Stupid Mandala

Mandalas

I can only let go of Joke with a cry. When Jenaka left the house, my legs felt limp to support my weight. I stared at his passing, like I had already lost half my soul.

My tears are spilling. I lost a very important woman in my life. The woman I've been wasting.

I hugged my dead nanny's sweater. The nanny who knit this sweater is special to me, that's why there's my initials.

"Let's wear the woman you like this sweater when it rains! Don't let it get cold. Don't leave him alone and lonely. Whoever you give me this sweater may be the woman who will make you happy later when this old grandmother is gone." that's the message of the nanny who has always accompanied me since I was born on this earth.

I still remember the beautiful hooded girl who was being frightened because she was being followed by drunken thugs. I actually don't want to interfere with village thugs like that. However, the frightened look on the face of the beautiful girl made me have to intervene.

I can't forget that beautiful girl. Her hijab-wearing face looks so pretty, that's why I gave my nanny's sweater to the girl I helped.

I thought I'd meet that hooded girl again. In fact, I never found a dimpled girl with the most stunning smile in my eyes. I often waited for him at the stop, but he never came. Is he not a resident of the complex where I live?

Now I just found out, it turns out that the girl is the woman who I have been hurting her heart all this time. A woman who was so strong was beside me. The woman who made my days colorful and anxious because of trivial things.

Tears came back from my eyelids. I've already let that woman go. The woman who always filled the space of my heart, left with a wound that forever there was never a chance for me to remove it.

I hugged the sweater that now smells of jokes. I thought back to the fairy tale that Joke told me. The young man covered in lies. Now, I just realized that I was the bad boy in the story of Joke. Too late indeed, because hearing the story of Joke really makes me sleep soundly and soundly.

The sound of the Hp ringing made me realize. It's getting dark. It had been a long time since I had dissolved in my own grief.

I looked around the joke room. So many traces of joking love in this room. Will I be able to erase one trace after another that Joke left behind?

How am I supposed to make up for my blame, even if it's just a little? Yeah, I have to apologize to Jenaka and her family.

I've been humming Jokes. It's my duty to return the joke to her family. The sound of my Hp ringing broke my daydream. It was Mala who called.

Mala reported that Kinara's condition had worsened. He was looking for my whereabouts that didn't come back. Afraid I'd leave him. He said he kept crying.

I went back to the hospital, facing a very possessive Kinara. I don't know why I feel like I want to stay away. The Kinara that I love can make a joke go from my side. It makes me feel angry but helpless.

"Darling! Why are you daydreaming?" asked Kinara who was now looking at me who had been silent without spirit.

"I've been humming a joke." I said weakly.

Kinara fell silent, I didn't care if he was happy or laughing with satisfaction. I'm currently deeply saddened by the loss of Joke. Until I heard Kinara say:

"Sure you love him? I thought forever I was the only one in your heart. It turns out that my position has been replaced." Kinara looked down sad.

I'm speechless. The sad I cannot comfort him. I am the one who needs to be entertained. Kinara also noticed my indifference. He started using his ability to manipulate me.

"If I were no longer in this world. You'll definitely be looking for a joke again right?" he said with a voice of pain.

I still don't respond to him. I don't want to add any more injuries than Kinara being sick.

"Be quiet, I mean yes." Kinara laid her body on the mattress, before long there was the sound of sobs held back.

Oh Allah... I hurt the woman who loved me. Joke and Kinara. I'm that jerk? Is it wrong that I am greedy and want to keep both? Is it wrong that I don't want to lose them?

I enveloped Kinara who was asleep from tired of crying. I opened my HP. I'm looking for photos of jokes, but there's only our wedding photos.

I just realized, I don't have any other photos with jokes. One more stupidity. Stupid mandala!

***

"Nara, I want to go to Jenaka's house first." I said when Kinara had finished her morning shower and breakfast. Mala who always faithfully accompanied him, took good care of Kinara.

"Why are you going to the house of Joke? Want to beg for his love?" Kinara re-ignited her emotions.

Kinara's emotions subsided, changing worries. "You're gonna be okay, right? What if the Jenaka family gets angry and vents her anger at you?"

Returning a daughter to her family will surely spark the flames of contention. I realized that and I was prepared for the consequences. "I'll be fine." I said to calm Kinara down.

With a heavy heart, Kinara let go of me. I also confidently went to the house of Jenaka.

The door of the house of Jenaka was open but there was no one in front. "Assynnya!" I said knocking on the door.

"Glamma!" father replied, I think Dad's on leave because of the joke problem.

I went in and kissed Dad's hand, but Dad pulled his hand as if disgusted with a human like me. "Sit down!"

"Who's Dad?" ask the Mother who sees me like a ghost. "Son Mandala?"

"Who's Bun?" a Joke-like-faced man came out. I remember this man. He's the one who picked up Jenaka at the stop a long time ago on a motorcycle. If only I had met Juna before, I would have been a fair husband and loved Jenaka from the beginning of the marriage.

No one answered the question Juna asked made Juna realize who I was. Juna's emotions began to ignite, before long Joke came out.

Joke looked limp, her face pale with puffy eyes due to mostly crying. It was only a day that I did not meet him but the longing was so on my chest.

Joke, the wife who always entertains me with her cute and adorable behavior. Who often teases me but is afraid when I come back. It taught me a lot in this life.

I kept staring at Jenaka, the wife I had ingrained yesterday. I don't care about the commotion at Joke's house. I didn't care when Juna grabbed my collar.

I only realized when a raw bogem hit me. It made my lips tear and let out fresh blood. The pain began to feel. Yes, Juna who is a soldier must have a bend that is able to make his opponent collapse in one tonjok.

I fell to the floor. I heard Jokes got angry at Juna and helped me wake up. He still cares about me. He still defended me. He's still protecting me. I feel so ashamed of myself. How did I never appreciate it?

But it's all too late. Maybe our soul mate is over here. With a trembling voice holding back the cries, I returned the joke to her parents. I couldn't hold back my tears, especially when my Dad who never liked me asked me not to have any more contact with jokes.

I left the house of Joke while wiping away the tears on my face. There were still tears of joy that heard my conversation with Dad from inside the house. Sorry Jen... Ii'm sorry...

I went back to the hospital, Kinara who saw me coming with a torn lip was very worried. I just keep quiet. Not a word came out of my mouth.

I used to dream of living my life together with Kinara. But why is it that what I dreamt I no longer want? I want a joke above everything else.

Unfortunately, I've lost the joke. I don't want to lose the chance to take care of Kinara I want to focus on taking care of Kinara. The job in the office I leave it to Genta. I don't want to go home either, I'm not ready. I still need time to get my heart set. Convinced Kinara is my wife now who I need to take care of.

I haven't been to the office for 3 weeks. Accompanying Kinara who had to undergo a series of examinations that led to chemotherapy.

Convincing Kinara for chemotherapy is not easy. A side effect of chemotherapy for Kinara is that her hair will fall out. In addition, the possibility of having children is also getting thinner.

I feel like this is all the karma I got for hurting Joke first. I remember when I wanted to legalize marriage with Kinara, I lied to Papi about Jenaka who had not been given a chance to get pregnant. Joke can't get pregnant because I never fucked her.

I can only regret my past mistakes. All the sadness, all the restlessness, all the regret I spilled in my every prostration.

Yes, again because of Joke I started to perform prayers 5 time back. I accompanied Kinara while reciting him the recitation of the holy Quran. I love my heart that has hurt so many people who love me so much.

*****

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