The Diary Rere
Enam
This time maybe I will return to the stories about Mbok Nati. As I said at the beginning, that the parenting of Mbok Nati was very influential in shaping who I am now. Mbok Nati started working for my family when I was 2 and Anne was born. Mother needs help to take care of us, especially Anne.
My relationship with Mbok Nati is actually fine, but it can not be said to run smoothly. I remember when I was 4 or 5 years old, I used to and liked to hold poop. In the end I was poop in my pants and it probably pissed off Mbok Nati for helping me clean up the mess I had made. In addition, as a child Anne and I also often quarreled. If you have a fight, Anne and I will curse each other by vilifying each other physically. I did have lighter skin than Anne, but Anne at the time was an idea, not fat like me.
“Basic lu items!” I cried when I was 7 years old. Without me realizing it, from childhood I have understood the stereotype that dark skin is considered ugly.
“From you, fat!” Anne turned my back on me.
Mbok Nati of course defended Anne. Mbok Nati said as a brother I should be able to give up and be a role model for his sister, instead of being angry and cursing each other. If you remember, Mbok Nati's advice is correct, but at that time I did not want to understand. I also did not escape the incident of body shamming as a child. The culprit is not only Mbok Nati, but also my aunt who lives beside the house. That afternoon we were sitting together at my door, there was me, Anne, Mbok Nati and Aunt Fatimah.
“Kok if be careful as your face increases in width yes, Re!” Suddenly, Aunt Fatimah felt sleepy while watching my face which did have a box shape and seemed wide.
Even though it happened when I was a child and maybe Aunt Fatimah also did not remember, but it was recorded very clearly in my memory. At that time there was no defense from Mbok Nati, which I remember Mbok Nati just laughing and talking something that basically justifies what Aunt Fatimah said that my face is wide, while Anne does not. Wide face \= not pretty.
Since that incident, my understanding of the definition of beauty has increased. At that time I thought that beautiful nature was not in me. I'm not slim, I don't have long hair, I don't have a thin face, I'm the opposite of it all. From the incident, I also became more concerned about the shape of my face. When at home, as much as possible I cover the left and right parts of my face with hair to give the impression of a more tapered face. I also became grateful for wearing a veil at school, as the veil can help cover my wide facial features.
For some reason since I realized that Mbok Nati's feelings for me and Anne were different, I was more worried about her. Every morning when Dad and Mommy leave for work, there is an empty time before Mbok Nati comes home. I feel that time is precious because I can roam around the house as I please, but when Mbok Nati has come somehow I like playing with cats. We are equally awkward towards each other. As much as possible I'm not in the same room as Mbok Nati. For example, I hold a drink when Mbok Nati is cooking in the kitchen again, I do not go to the TV room if Mbok Nati again nyapu. Even if we do not accidentally pass papasan at home, our reprimand feels stiff.
While the relationship of Anne and Mbok Nati is another. They are both like a mother and a child. Anne can joke around with Mbok Nati, tease him, nag him, even yell at Mbok Nati if Anne's wishes are not fulfilled. But is Mbok Nati angry at Anne? Of course not. Mbok Nati will at all costs accommodate Anne's wishes and I have never seen the look of annoyance on Mbok Nati's face. Mbok Nati loves Anne like a mother loves her child, while I am only considered as the master's child who must be taken care of the needs of eating and drinking.
The point is Mbok Nati is not evil, he is only discriminatory towards me. Because of the feeling of “ not loved” that I felt since childhood and knowing that Anne got “kasih” from Mbok Nati, it makes me draw the conclusion that Anne is superior to me. I concluded that Anne was beautiful and worthy of being loved, while I was not.
I remember raising a rabbit that I loved so much, his name was Willy and Peter. At that time somehow I was so sad to cry, it seemed like it was because of Mbok Nati. Luckily Mbok Nati is home, and I live alone at home. I could only complain to both of my rabbit back then.
“Willy, Peter, why was I born like this? What's wrong with me?” I asked the two of my rabbit who understood also not what I was talking about.
After all, that is the big picture of the story about Mbok Nati. Beyond that, Mbok Nati is someone who is honest and loyal to the employer. Mbok Nati is very loyal to Mother who does have an outspoken but polite nature. Mommy does not like pleasantries like other mothers, maybe because Mommy works on “orang” so that Mommy can understand the feelings of Mbok Nati as “ employees”. Now Mbok Nati is no longer working for our family. Mbok Nati was forced to stop because of a pandemic that occurred in 2020 that made Dad and Mommy have to stop working and start a business at home, so the presence of Mbok Nati is no longer needed.
Mbok Nati, thank you for taking care of me and Anne for over 15 years. I realized that what I was telling this story only came from my point of view, I had absolutely no idea exactly what Mbok Nati felt during our time together. I forgive Mbok Nati for Mbok's actions that made me feel ‘ by no means’ in those days. But now I understand that it must happen, because the events formed me into the present Rere. Rere is beautiful, smart, worthy of love, and meaningful.
