Scratches of Ink on my finger

I Want to Apologize

Is the indigo figure in the proverb 'for tilapia a broken speck of milk is me? If so, what should I do now? Mixing up will only cause damage. But I didn't mean that. Am I wasted?

This time I want to go to the cafeteria first, because I haven't had breakfast this morning.

"Ga, come to the cafeteria, will you?"

"First time. Lazy again."

"Oh, jaudah."

I heard a different tone than usual when I heard Yoga approaching me now.

Now I go to the cafeteria alone. There is usually no time for me to go to the cafeteria without them, Yoga and Love. I can't go there alone, just not get used to it without them.

Lately my relationship with them is quite tenuous and what is even more unusual is when I see Yoga who looks unhappy with my presence. I kept thinking about them. Was I too far away all this time, while they happily persuaded me that we could be together even if only for a short time.

I need to say, I miss being with them.

I've ordered an order at the cafeteria. This canteen is the first canteen I went to when I first entered this school, which is when buying an order for one of the students who had fainted during orientation. When alone like this is very easy to invite to recall the past.

I sat down in one of the chairs, paying no attention to what and who was in this room. Before long struggling with food, I finished, and went to the mading room afterwards.

"Eh, Cin. That's Bayu, right?"

"Yes." Yeah."

From earlier Love had seen who was sitting alone at one of the tables in the cafeteria he was visiting now. His heart grimaced to see that no one was sitting next to him, and that there would normally be Yoga and him there.

His mind kept on remembering those moments together. Somehow explaining the reason, now he and Yoga are both thinking the same thing, considering everything between them as if it never happened, deliberately wanting to forget. But a talking heart cannot lie.

The mading room

"Chairman, leave me alone, yes."

"Yes." Yeah."

I'm still with the same job as the days before. The hand that swerved over the ledger. This time I was disturbed by the burden of a different mind.

I've been good friends with Yoga even very close, already like a brother. In the midst of my solitude, he was the one who came willingly, paying attention with sincere feelings. I felt that in every smile and joke he gave me. But, all this time I was often indifferent because at that time I thought it was as if he would just stop by at that time as a diluent atmosphere, apparently not, he was loyal, and I just realized it.

Love's. It is no different than yoga. Even I've been holding onto her since I first met her. But, I don't know if it's like or if I just want to get to know her. His concern all this time I consider because he considers me as his close friend, not because he likes me as Yoga once said.

I dare not say that I like him. I'm not sure I really like it. So let me keep it to myself.

If I may value it myself, I would even prefer that Love likes Yoga, because Yoga has always been there for her when I could not be at her side at all. I'm a nobody. I'm just a friend then in front of them who will stop for a while just hitchhiking.

I was just a person who wanted to learn a lot and I realized that I was very indifferent to the surroundings, so selfish of myself. Is that wrong?

A drop of water coming out of the corner of my eye fell right on the surface of the ledger on the table. I just realized it.

"Eh, Chief. Chief nangis?" Genta approached my desk now, leaving his work papers on the floor just like that.

Turns out he saw it.

"Why, Chief? Any issues?"

"Eh, No, Gen. Continue to work."

"Oh, jaudah." Genta sat back in his place, even though he knew that there was something.

I lyrics Brother Rian who is not far from Genta sits. He looked back at me. There was a curious look on his face, fortunately he was able to save, not directly frankly to ask.

My days without them were lonely when I realized that they had always been there, and now it felt like nothing.

If I was wrong all this time, I would be responsible for apologizing.

It's time to go back to class. My business in the mading is done, too.

Will my head continue to stick like this until the class arrives? I am ashamed of my own pathetic look. Just this time I felt that his name was being neglected, after all this time other people just continued to display my positive side, and now I just met my real face, she said, looks like a loser who can only beg for good words from others

In class I saw Yoga no longer welcoming me with greetings. He began to regard all the recent closeness as if it had never happened. It all came back like the first time I arrived at this school, not knowing at all.

Maybe this is not the right time to be honest with me to admit my mistake. May time stand up for me to be able to say the word 'sorry'. I hope if that's the way, he will accept it.

I kept waiting until that time to really side with me, but even back home from school I still couldn't do it. Yoga is already going home.

I accidentally saw Love, she saw me too. I was waiting for him to talk. But..

"Teti, yuk, game. I'm going to take a quick trip home."

Love pulls the hand of a friend and keeps on passing. I'm sure he saw me. Is Love the same as Yoga? They're avoiding me?

I could only stare at his passing still silent at where I am now.

"Babies!" My classmate scolds me from behind.

This time I was not really conscious, too late in daydreaming, until my shock was so pronounced.

"Eh, sorry, Bay." He chuckled satisfiedly at me who managed to be surprised.

"Why?"

"M.. I want to invite you to play futsal, will you, Bay?"

Maybe this is a chance for me to be close to friends that I have neglected. Even though I was busy there was almost no gap. But this time I want to change old habits. As long as there is still a gap to be with them I will take that time as much as possible.

I reply first with a smile, "When do you play?"

"Night, Bay. Just once a week, 8 to 9."

It was my free time at home, the rest of the time off. But, this is only once a week. Not what if I use that day to really full of activities, as long as I can be with them.

"OK, man. What day?"

"Every Saturday night."

"OK."

"OK, Bay. That's me first, yeah."

"Yes." Yeah."

His name is Gani, one of Nanda's close friends.

It seems after this I need to make an additional agenda.

***

The notebook I wanted to give to Love before is still in my hands. I became less confident to give him again, too long after that victory day. I dare not bring up the incident, no longer a hot topic. Even if I admit it was an amazing achievement. She is a smart woman.

But, from all these events, my hand is still not deterred to write the word 'Love' in my diary. I don't know when this will hold up. Maybe until I'm sure if my race means 'liking' or 'not'.