Pure Darkness

Chapter 57

Ke Qian's Side Story

Oi! I am an article!

‘Mulan Star’*

*T/N ‘Mulan Star’ is the theme song of Chinese film 2009, ‘Mulan’ (not Disney animated film of the same name). Hua Mulan is a legendary Chinese warrior, a woman who disguises herself as a man to replace her aging father in the army. According to Wikipedia, he fought in the army for 12 years and gained high achievements, but refused any gifts and retired to his hometown.

Oi! I am an article!

The deepest impression I had was Ke Ai's red skirt. It was very beautiful, like a muslin cloth.

Just then, I ran behind him, shouting, “Ai Ai! Ai Ai!” He would then stop in his tracks and smile as he looked at me. “ Didi, Didi *, follow Jiejie *ah!”

*T/N (in in) – younger brother; (jie jie) – older sister.

I nodded with great enthusiasm. “Um.”

Oi! I am an article!

We climbed mountains together to catch insects, planted trees together at grandfather's doorstep, walked together to school with school bags on our backs. We both grew up with very identical looks, and sometimes, she pretended to be me, while I pretended to be her, swapping places for a day. Grandfather could always tell us apart with just a glance, but others would think of one of us as the other if they were not careful.

I idolized Ke Ai. He was always so generous, so optimistic, and could talk a lot. He is a class supervisor, and a member of the study committee. All the students and teachers loved it.

And I, I was like his tail, his little shadow. As long as I can stand next to my sister, I'm happy.

Master said, “Ke Qian is like a woman and Ke Ai is like a man. It really wasn't easy for her to take on the roles of big sister and big brother at the same time, and at such a young age as well.” I feel so proud – I have an older sister, who asks you all not to have someone like her?

At that time, I have not found this phrase, ‘I Others in Dunia’*.

*T/N This is a Japanese manga series titled ‘Nana’, which was made into a live-action film (and sequel) as well as an anime. The series gets its name from the main character, two 20-year-old girls who are both called ‘Nana’, and who are very different. They meet on a train to Tokyo one day, and meet again as they inspect the same apartment. They decide to become roommates, and the series tells the story of their friendship and life. Please refer to this Wikipedia entry for more information.

Then, when choosing which Japanese series I would watch, I saw it. Other people watched the series attentively, but to me, I just needed to look at her words, and my eyes were teary-eyed.

Perhaps from this moment on I developed such a great love for the fantastic, beautiful, passionate and warm world of cosplay.

Because, in the world of cosplay, I'm an unrivaled actor, I'm the king.

And I can also be a woman, like my missing sister, Ke Ai.

The rich relative came to pick up one of us when we were in Primary 5. At that time I did not realize what their arrival meant. I saw them constantly talking to Jiejie, asking if he was a leader in the Young Pioneers of China, if he was placed first in our year. Jiejie timidly nodded. They also asked him to do an item. He performed Xinjiang dances * and saw them beaming with happiness.

*T/N (Xinjiang) – Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region (XUAR) in northwest China. Many ethnic minority groups live there, and there has been a lot of unrest in the region in recent years. Find out more here.

Grandpa was very old at the time. As she sat on one side while smoking, she squinted her eyes and said, “Every child has his own life. As long as they live life well, that's all that matters.” After saying this, he gave me a significant look. At that moment, I did not understand the look in his eyes, but I kept this scene in mind and kept it in my heart for many years.

After that, they wanted to talk to me. I looked at them vigilantly and hid behind Jiejie . When their hands touched the corner of my jacket, I shouted loudly, ran into the room and closed the door.

I don't know what they discussed afterwards.

Some nights, I saw Jiejie secretly wiping away her tears. I asked, “ Jie , why are you crying? Is it because they treat you badly?” The last few days, they took Jiejie out, but not me.

“No . .” Jiejie sobbed, “They treated me very well. They have bought me a lot of stuff, and they even bought Grandpa a lot of health products. I didn't know that the product was expensive. ”

“I don't care,” murmured.

Jiejie then said, “Ke Qian, if one day I have to leave, even though you are alone, you have to study hard and take care of Grandpa, okay?”

I grabbed her hand in a quick gesture and said, “I don't want to part from you!”

On the day Jiejie left, I didn't even know about it. When I came back from buying rice and oil with Grandpa, his things had already been moved from our house. Jiejie has left me a letter:

“ To Qian:

I don't know if the choice I made was right, but, before she died, our mother told me that I had to take care of both of us. Uncle and Aunt were rich, but they had no children. They want a child.

Grandfather didn't have much savings left, nor did he have much left over from our father and mother. They said there was no way Grandpa could bear the burden of raising us both. I am an older sister, so I have to help bear the burden that our family faces.

If they're willing to take you to the US as well, I'll be happier. But, right now, there is no other way. They want me to leave.

Dad once quoted a poem titled, ‘Side Sword Honed in Grinding Stone’*. In the future, only if we get into a better university and make more money, then we and Grandpa can live a blessed life. There is a lot of money in the US.

*T/N (bao jian feng cong mo li chu) – this seems not from poetry, but a common saying: , (mei hua xiang zi ku han lai – plum blossoms come from bitter cold). In essence, suffering and hardship are necessary for one to succeed.

I'm goin. Don't think about me. I will definitely be back, I swear on my life.

Ke Ai's. ”

It was the first time in our lives that Ke Ai and I ever parted ways. At that moment, I became very angry; I did not eat and ignored people for days. Until Grandpa became so angry that he grabbed and hit me, and denounced me by saying, “That Ke Ai can go to the US is a fortune that only comes once in three lives! Otherwise, a useless old man like me raising you two – what kind of results will happen!”

I cried so hard that I even ignored Grandpa.

But, how long can I be angry with him?

I once again began to hope, every day – that he would call me, that he would write.

But there's nothing.

The class teacher saw me running to the school mailbox every day, and tried to cheer me up. “Son, when your jieji gets to America, life there will be weird for him, and he won't know the way. She is a very young girl, how will she find a way to write you a letter, or call you long distance? Don't run to the mailbox again.”

“Uhm.”

However, there was no way for my son to know that this separation would last for 15 years.

My grandfather died the year I entered university. Carrying my things in a simple bag, I arrived at this great city of Beijing. Things were a little different than what I expected. When I look up and smile at my dorm mates, they will see what I am wearing and my simple backpack, and just smile. Not cold, not warm.

You know, I felt like a caterpillar at that time. Originally, under the warmth of the sun, I had carefully extended my feelings. However, others avoided me in revulsion. Thus, I immediately shrank back into the shadowy patch under the leaves.

In all my four years at university, I did not have any close contact with my four dormitory mates. I always felt that I was incompatible with them, that we would never travel in the same direction. Sometimes, they would go out together to drink beer, eat roast meat, or watch a soccer match. They never asked me to join them. I would stay in the dormitory to revise, or to try out my newly purchased women’s cosplay costume, or makeup.

They didn’t like me, and I didn’t like them either.

Even though I was always alone, I hated that feeling of isolation. Every day, I boiled hot water for four people and cleaned the dormitory. When they needed someone to fake their presence when they skipped class, when they needed to borrow a book, when they wanted to copy from my exam script, he said, I always do my best to do what they want. I think, in this way, my life in the dorm would be a little better. At the very least, I will not be looked down upon.

The establishment of Yue Ying Animation Studio was the opportunity of a lifetime. An alumni colleague, Jiang Xueran, ran over to me to ask, “Ke Qian, I have seen you perform many times. You are the best cosplayer I have ever seen. We plan to start an animation community and would like to invite you to join us as a founding member. Are you interested in joining us?”

I can't believe my ears.

Respect and need by others.

“Then . .” Jiang Xueran said, “Do you have any ideas or requirements?”

I immediately replied. “I don't have any requirements.”

At that moment, it was like I saw a flash behind Jiang Xueran's lens. But, how was that person back then that I could see into someone's heart?

In this newly formed society, everyone has a common interest. And I am a founding member! To me, it was as if the world had opened a bright window right in front of me. I poured all my energy into Yueying. We rented the cheapest room, and I stayed there 24/7, figuring out the best way to decorate the place. I put every inch of wallpaper on my own. I did not eat a decent meal for a week, only instant noodles, so I could buy the ornaments of the little monk I loved but could not bear to buy for myself, he said, and put it in the studio; I . . . .

I think I finally have it all.

However, I never thought that they would be no different from the others.

They are also lazy, and stingy spend small amounts of money, while foolishly spending larger amounts of money. Dividing a small amount of prize money will trigger a great fight. They have to rely on me to put myself well in the competition, but also seem unwilling to admit this.

I still work very hard. I worked hard preparing showwear for others, I worked hard to save money so we could buy a new set of props, he said, I work hard to keep every nook and cranny of our studio clean. Even when they told me to buy breakfast, run errands, do anything. . . I do everything.

I just want to work hard, work really hard, to keep this group going, not let it fall apart.

But, what's the point?

Gradually, they became less and less diligent about animation studios, and treated me increasingly unfavorably.

Only then did I understand: the problem did not lie with them, nor did it lie with others. The problem is me.

Since everyone is the same, then I must be the problem. As Wen Xiaohua said, I'm too unrealistic, I don't like taking responsibility, I'm too obedient and have no personality, right?

……

“No, Ke Qian, you're not the problem. Even though the people around you all behave that way, they are still wrong. ”

He spoke to me in a gentle and patient tone. “You have a dream, you take things seriously, you are hardworking, you are good to everyone – what is wrong with that? They are the ones who don't understand how to appreciate an amazing person like you.”

I looked at him, my tears almost falling.

Like the first day we met again.

To the beautiful and outstanding Ai, Ke Ai who was gently and regretfully looking at me. He really is in front of me.

He was so silly; he kept apologizing to me. How can I blame him? In my heart, he and I are the same person.

Those three months were the happiest times of my life. Ke Ai is too good, very good and smart. He pulled out all his savings, some of it was the amount his adoptive parents gave him, to support me. He allowed me to use this money to fund my venture – to set up an animation company.

I just want to be with him. So, I watched him, noticed his every move, recorded how he spoke. He's really too perfect. At night, alone in my little wooden hut, I even imitated it; I couldn't help myself. Sometimes, like when we were kids, I would bother him to change clothes with me. So, we exchanged identities, and I even attended classes on her behalf. I wore a silk scarf that covered most of my face, and purposely made my tone of voice higher, in order to sound like her. Unexpectedly, none of his schoolmates knew that I wasn't him.

Occasionally, she would visit my little wooden hut, and I would give her a cosplay costume to replace, and put on her makeup. She is so beautiful, so much more beautiful than me.

I was afraid of what people would think, so I didn't say that the money was from my older sister. I said that our studio, and how it changed over time, has caught the attention of venture investors. I think this will make everyone more confident. And, that night, they all seemed moved by my words.

I think things will get better.

I think I can finally make my dream come true.

……

That night, I was standing outside the window, my tears flowing nonstop. I saw Ke Ai lying, motionless, on the ground; I saw them putting him in a woven bag. I could only realize that my eyes could no longer see the stars in the sky, nor could I see the ground beneath my feet. How can life be like this, how can people change until I can no longer recognize them?

Oh, Ke Ai, Ke Ai, a beautiful and pure girl.

How did you lose your life on such a normal, quiet night?

I feel like I'm in a dream.

But I'm like a worm with no guts. I shut my mouth and didn't let myself make a sound. I hid in the outer corner, saw them carrying Ke Ai's body and walking off into the distance. Because I knew, if I revealed myself then, all that awaited me was death.

So, in the end, it turned out that death was so easy. It is by your side, it is in the bad wishes of the human heart.

……

I flushed the floor of the wooden hut with water repeatedly, and used the methods I found online to remove pig blood, tomato stains and so on, to remove all traces of Ke Ai blood. I even cut off my fingers and dripped my blood in many places.

……

After that, I sat in front of the mirror, and handed the hair in my hands to the hairdresser.

The hairdresser was really surprised. “What is this?”

I replied, “Hair extension.”

The facial expression of the hairdresser is not pretty. However, after I handed him some big money sheets, he said nothing, and carefully stuck to each strand of hair.

I see myself in the mirror. Black hair thrives like memories, longing.

I used an eyebrow pencil and powder to trace her delicate eyebrows.

I took the lipstick and applied it lightly.

I looked up and smiled faintly at the hairdresser.

The hairdresser stood motionless, completely stunned.

I picked up my bag, put on my lady coat, and walked over to the drizzle outside the door.

I wore a silk scarf, covering my neck and most of my face.

My heels clinked as I walked, and the rainwater fused into a small stream around my feet. Look at my graceful figure, look at me, the bride with white hair*, look at the dagger in my heart, look at me. . .

*T/N (hong yan bai fa) – literally, ‘beautiful face, white hair’. This is the theme song of 1993 Hong Kong wuxia film, ‘ The Bride with White Hair ‘. The male lead, Zhuo Yihang, is assigned to lead the coalition forces to fight the evil sect. He falls in love with the female lead, Lian Nichang, an orphan brought in by the sect. He left the cult, but was blamed by coalition forces for the death of his colleague Zhuo Yihang and attacked by them. Zhuo Yihang is forced to turn against her, and that betrayal causes her to turn into a white-haired, ruthless (but still beautiful) killer. For more information, see here.

Finally, I no longer had to submit to this world that had long shattered my dreams.

I raised my head and saw – finally, the sky was clear after the rain spatter had subsided for a while.

I smile with such happiness.

Ke Qian, I'm Ke Ai. I have come home.