My husband is not my first love

Again, Lost

It's the day the two left home. As a farewell on that night, he went to the city of flowers, leaving with his seminar schedule. Of course I'm fine, even I'm happy to have all day at home that holds many stories of the past, accompanying the soft-haired man began to whiten completely. Cook together, pick vegetables in the garden behind the house.

Until all the cheerfulness changed this morning, the house full of memories was now empty. Back the oppressive wound was stifling, making tears without tears crackle undisturbed. The only old man he had passed away in silence, he left without giving a hunch, at peace in sleep. I only realized when I woke him up for the dawn prayer. That frail body was stiff.

Death is another miracle that destroys many things, only yesterday he laughed at my spinach vegetable that became porridge, still feels warm touch in the head last night, while telling stories of longing for her young lover who is aging together in this house.

I don't know how to express the pain, just a year Umak left, now Father, it's like losing half then the other half, so that what remains now is like a faint shadow.

Stare out the window with liquid melting cheeks, slowly. Maybe the blood there is clumping making it difficult to breathe. The mourners were not interested in teasing, only sounding soft-spoken without daring to speak directly. The sound of their voices is like a distant tone not heard clearly.

Some time passed in a round in the head, the flickering memories of the two malikats who hid all their sepals with smiles and laughter, repeatedly assuring me that indeed I had to go to high school. Two faces that will shine when I go home even if only with the gift, because the bearer of the hand that both want.

I don't know how much time I spent in a cry of solitude, even the greeting magrib marked by the sky, I still haven't budged. Until someone hugged very tightly, buried my head in the chest of a firm field.

Steer clear of the smell, like someone I know. The hug was never released or just loosened, I just felt my back dripped with water, even though without as much as a hug this seemed to feel my pain very intact.

For a while no one spoke, only sharing the wounds in silence, in an inseparable embrace. Make sure I relax a little more.

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“Eat though a little.” Spoon outstretched in front of the face, his own eyes are still puffy, I don't even know if he also eats. Let alone asking the situation even by opening the mouth to let the food touch the mouth. What you want to do now is just to quietly enjoy all the memories of childhood, because as an adult there is not much done with two people who love me fully. Along with their shadows the heart is re-scratched repeatedly sore or tightness.Sometimes it feels like a blunt object is hit there. Making the legs stumble to stand, the entire joint is hollow, fortunately the body on the side is strong enough to accommodate.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have left.”

I still don't answer. Locking my mouth tight, worrying out is a sentence that makes God not like, because I'm not sure I can bring out anything now but lamentation.

The dark green-tailed man placed the spoon onto the plate, his shady eyes staring softly. Approaching me, and then hugging back. Strange as it was, we had not even touched our hands before, but now many times he hugged even very tightly without distance, I did not even dismiss or feel uncomfortable. I just kept quiet as his hand stroked his back. His heartbeat was even clear with a rhythm that gave a sense of peace.

“T won't say anything to persuade you, while even time can't brush off the wound of losing a parent ..”

I took off his embrace, settling those shady eyes deep. This man, he had lost when so young, lost before he really understood the definition of loss itself. All I know is that even then her mother died in the garden, she had trouble borrowing a motorbike to take her mother who was very sick. Why is it so cruel. At that time, decades ago, motorized vehicles were still a luxury thing. Our village hasn't even been electrified yet. Such a small body, he overcame his own problems.

Tears hardened, then hugged him without command, I just felt he was silent not returning a sigh. This is when I forget my pride as a woman by reacting first. Of course ignoring whether after this will lose face in front of him, did not have time to consider even thinking about it. Only sobbing to find out how much time he had spent alone, brushed aside the loneliness wrapped in longing. He overcame his question in that gentle smile, this man.

.

“I testify my in-laws are good people, Father or Mother are both wise people, I see how he prepares you. So share.” I slowly let go not because the sentence was able to calm down, but because I knew someone suffering more could endure. I'm old enough to accept this.

Wiping away tears. Azan Isya was resounding there, the man stood smiling for a while before releasing my hand, rushing out of the house.

.

“I know you're still grieving, but time doesn't wait. Everything has been prepared, go take your scholarship to India.” He opened his voice after coming from the mosque, coming to me who was staring at the square screen even though he was not actually typing or reading anything there.

Raising my face at the sound of that voice, it was directed at the young man facing me. It looks serious than usual. The brain that is still focused on sadness tries to guess its meaning.

“I know the reason for your return, Father. Now that you can step lightly, he also said he would be proud to see you happy to continue your wishes.” He pulled up the chair to sit closer.

“Actually what do you mean?”

“Sorry, opened it by accident. He glanced at the screen that was not often turned off on the table.

“So when in Bandung I deliberately left first before the event, the day before filling out the material I take care of all your departure needs.”

“Can also yes, read by accident, is not definitely need time and accuracy secrol long chat-chat.”

“Sorry.” He said seriously what I could see in those black eyes.

“I really want to go to school abroad, as high a school as possible. However, now I am not in the position I used to be, when I have decided to go home so will stay here.” I stood up, leaving him.

“What I know is that you want to build a boarding school based on self-reliance, a free school for the poor who are determined to attend. I think you should prepare yourself more. I'll prepare the rest here. So build yourself up on one side I will be on the other side, according to the capacity with my education that is not high so your obligation to cover it ... " He spoke while teaching.

Looking into those eyes, this person knew so many things about me, and I had never been on my future agenda and my dreams.

“I know I haven't been a full-fledged wife, but at least I'm trying. Separated to that extent when we were so young, I wouldn't have chosen this path ... ” I still have to reject it, I am married and my husband is here now. About me not loving him yet is no reason for me to run away.

“I trust you like I trust myself. In your human being the possibility of making a mistake is always there for me. But big things happen with great sacrifice. If the matchmaking for us forever I hope it is for the happiness of both of us .. not only for my wishes let alone the wishes of parents.. ” continued the last sentence sounds soft.

I don't know how to comment on his sentence of resignation.

“I'll sleep.” I walked leaving him.

“Alright, do not waste this opportunity while young.” He also walked by my side.

“One more ... ” I turned around waiting for his sentence.

“Nothing sleep with neat clothes.” While in a state of mourning, the person also joked because as usual I slept with the hijab in my own room.

.

He clasped my left hand with his right, resting in front of a pair of tombs that were still red. Two headstones are inscribed with the most precious human names in life, two persons who have not been fully devoted. Umak and my Father.

It should be focused on your education, but if you have decided to go home who can change the stubborn Ria. His voice fell when he found me home and decided to accompany his old age. He was far away my ambition and fully supportive, but that eye he could not hide happily found his only family would be beside him, spending his old age.

You just think you'll be a good match for Hanif, you'll be a couple who synergize with each other to build this village. Back the voice of the father repeats in the brain. Hem, he loved this young man to the point of asking his weak daughter to keep this strong spatter. Never having a son makes you like him ...

But, son like any girl you have the right to choose who will age with you, indeed this old man knows what the criteria of youth matter.

I'm proud to be able to quickly decide your proposal, sir. This stubborn princess did not want to take responsibility when deciding, by marrying here, then giving birth to your grandchildren I hope to have a lot of time that can make up for loneliness, but finally the father who left me in silence.

“We went to your parents' grave too.” I looked at him who was still holding my hand trying to stretch the kink. He nodded.

He also recalled the story with the owners of the two tombs. A couple who were not close friends, but helped a lot in his childhood after being abandoned by a guardian angel. Two figures who often say if he was the same age as the eldest son who preceded the youth.

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We walked hand in hand towards the other side of the public cemetery located at the end of the village. Then stop at a pair of well-kept tombs with flowers on it.

After tidying up the two tombs and raising his hands on the hope of stepping up to the spaciousness of the place where the hero who had preceded to nature there, the man said softly.

“Mak, Sir. Don't worry about anything, your son-in-law will accompany me. She's a better woman than I thought could be sanding.”

I look at the guard. Why is it that a time like this still does such a ridiculous thing. While the young man focused on looking ahead. I don't know what's on his mind, all he can do is reach for the ladder and change into holding those sturdy fingers.

Someone who is present when we are injured, somehow easily has his own place.