When

2. Riya

I have never liked this life. I often tell myself how ungrateful I am.

I don't know how many times I've believed, my life is sad. Do I question why I was born in this world? Yes, I think that's one of my biggest sins. Sin also when I question how God decided to send me down to live the days of destapa in this world. I am like a failed item, which stumbles for the sake of pretending. How many people are blinded by it.

Life is not as fun as people see it. People only see their skin. How to know how they are in it. But they pretended to be able to read fate with all his comments. Like the Nobel laureates of world peace, they offer every word of pearl. In fact, they don't know anything.

I refuse to comment. I'm all swallowed. Starting from trivial problems, when I broke up from my boyfriend about 2 years ago. I don't know how the man saw me, but before that, I felt I was loyal and our relationship was very good. Funny thing is, arriving one day, he just disappeared. Ghosting. And one week after that incident, I received a text from an unknown number. Which after I read, the text was sent by my future wife. Technically we never break up because the man suddenly disappears. Loser turned. I don't know when she had another boyfriend. And instead of me, she decided to marry her boyfriend. They got married about 1 month from the day of the text I received. Sms that explains everything.

My life feels ruined. I'm sad, of course. Better to die, sound better but think so. No appetite, of course. Only 3 days and 2 nights, I still remember the scales I quickly freefall lost 10 kilos just like that. I am often heartbroken like this. Although it must be faced with being hospitalized for 5 days because of chronic ulcers. Not to mention for 2 weeks must continue to consume sedatives, which if you forget not to drink, I can lose control like a person of loyalty. I don't want to explain it at length anymore. That man is not worth remembering. But the incident left many comments from people outside the nuclear family.

Then move on to more serious problems. There's alot. I mentioned some. For example, when I cheated on my school friends. I don't know who's not human here. The choice is between those two people. Or when I was treated unnaturally with my own teacher when I was still in SD. For this one thing, until this moment only gw, the teacher najai, and God knows. It was the only shameful thing, full of nothing, that happened the same way. I never told this to anyone. Whosoever. And, it took me years to realize and understand what really happened at the time.

When I sat on the first bench of Junior High, I gave birth again. Premature. It has just been 7 months. My sister was born weighing only 1 kilo. I still remember, apparently only as big as kilo sugar on the market. Every time his heart beats, his chest pokes. His ribs were engraved clearly behind his reddish skin. The sister was still alive but the doctor had spoken, whose words I still remember until now, maybe the sister would not last long. At that time, I was probably 11 years old, arrogantly asking God. Why did he do this to me. The gw family. Why did He take every brother who was born by nyokap gw. Why did He give me a way of life like this. Why is he so evil. That is one of my other greatest sins to the creator. But his greatness is always real. My only sister has finally survived and is now undergoing her S1 studies in Jakarta.

But not up there, it seems like my arrogance is avenged with other problems that are back present, when I have just undergone the second year of master's studies in Japan. I was reported to the police on fraud charges. This problem has actually been rolling for a long time and I never knew anything. Both of my parents decided to shut up. Retirement money bokap I spent to finance his other potato businesses that did not produce. Similarly, the retirement money that comes drained and now only enough for my sister's college. Instead of making a profit, the money is lost because it was cheated by his own colleagues, but instead the bokap is made into a patient. I cried over the phone that night. A few stories if bokap I do not pay 50 million money, bokap gw case will be a criminal case. So what should I do to get stuck? Master's lecture on architecture. My brain is only good at that realm, and the whole concentration is focused for the sake of my country, at least for the sake of the capital of this country that is increasingly vulnerable. So it is noble that my goal is to take this master's degree, which makes me have to live 5000km away from Indonesia.

Back again, since then I've seen my bokap in a different way. It turns out that people are not enough just to be good. Good people but no brain, what does that mean. It's just the moons of the bad guys working with their savage brains. I lost my respect for the bokap which turned out until the moment I returned to Indonesia, bokap still protects the coworker who has overtly plunged him. 'you don't understand what the problem is', bokap still protect the co-worker who has overtly plunged him', said him many times. Which is herding gw is better to stick a post-it on the forehead that says 'whatever you are. I don't care'. Want to say more rude because bokap still often gnawing on crumbs of savings money nyokap for the sake of other business with the same colleague.

And, I stopped talking to you if it wasn't important things, like getting her out of the room for dinner. One of my other sins, questioning why God decided my bokap is him. And why did God decide to marry a bokap. Although he had cheated first, in addition to gw, life nyokap very sad for me.

If I look back, at the age of I stepped on the number 30, I am still very sorry for my life. And I've never pulled a statement about how uncomfortable life is. On my 30th birthday, I do not expect much, especially with the history of my life journey.

I never put up a plan. Because every plan I hang up, never happens. I just let everything flow. I try not to force, more trying to make peace on reality. Like when I suddenly apply for an S2 scholarship with an IELTS certificate that will expire soon. Things that are not planned like that, usually more goes well. God, in fact, is not evil, unlike what I once cried out in silence years ago.