The Cold Little Prince
Chapter XVIII: Past
I forgot exactly when my little foot stepped on the place for the first time. My memory does not record a single mamah or papah face. My memory is limited to orphanages, shelters, then the worst is a dark room smelling fishy which I then find out if the location is in Ukraine.
The adults in white uniforms spoke English. I guess they're not Ukrainians. Maybe an American if I remember her accent. I was too small to understand why I was in that place with hundreds of other children who were in the age range of 5-9 years. I'm about five or six years old. My body was very small and frail as the needles penetrated my thin arms. I groaned, and so did the other kids. I don't know where I'm from, I completely forgot. I also can't speak fluently and just a few words I'm good at.
Day after day, month after month, and year after year we went through with pain and sadness. Our friends dwindle over time. The doctor said the strongest would survive. They do not need weak and failed products. He always came up to me and made me tormented with the smell of his piercing spruce.
He said, “B317, you are the best among them. The other higher-ups will choose you because you are the best of the best.”
That compliment doesn't make me happy at all. On the contrary, I feel sad and ironic. Do I have to be happy to be able to stand on a pile of dead bodies? We are not projected to love each other, but we are also human beings who have feelings and are happy to have a new family. Unfortunately, all of this did not last long.
All the pain and fear we went through together. I don't know all the kids at this research site. I only know a few who have a code name B. It's not even a name. We don't really have a name. It's just a code that's embedded like an item to make it easier for research doctors. I don't know what my name was before they called me B317. I was curious, but my curiosity disappeared along with the realization that my parents might never have expected my birth. Why do I know about my name or my past.
They'll check on us once a week. They will inject –entah apa– liquid through our hands. It was so painful that there was a child who screamed and then fainted so sick. Usually I would sit in the corner of my room hugging my knees and closing my eyes. This pain will pass with me enduring or with death as a result. I'm starting to not care. I just want to be free, whether alive or dead.
My dark years shaped me into a cold and intolerant person. I felt my humanity was fading and the research doctors were happy. I know that they only want to create a machine man that can benefit them. Perhaps for war, we never know the secrets that great and rich nations keep. I don't know what they're looking for. One thing is for sure, the lives of men like me are never of value to those who are hungry for power and victory.
I almost gave up on my humanity, until one day in the spring that I met the girl. I was about 13 years old and so was he. I think Yuna must have understood the feeling of admiring the opposite sex at the age of 13 because at that age she admired me. That girl is Ella.
Ella is Doctor Brown's only daughter whom she loves very much. Doctor George Brown is a man with a fir smell that makes me sick. Somehow the story goes that she could have a daughter as beautiful and as good as Ella. It seems that God was so evil for making Ella the daughter of a doctor****** that. But the more I know Ella, the more I think the two have similar traits.
She had a pair of pretty blue eyes. Those eyes looked at me for the first time and I caught a strange flash in those eyes. A glint that I just saw again when I saw Yuna's eyes. Those two similar gazes had a different effect on me. Ella's gaze calmed me down at once, Yuna's gaze made me feel shady and thumping. The thing that I realize at this time that my feelings for Ella are nothing more than a feeling of disdain — maybe even fear—while my feelings for Yuna are something new that people refer to as love. I love and appreciate Yuna more than anything in the world.
Ella will come to my little ‘ruang’ after getting permission from her papa. In the first week I just kept quiet and ignored all the words that came out of Ella's thin lips. The girl would continue to babble until her jaw became sore and her throat became dry. Usually he would go out for a little drink and then come back to my room. I don't know what made him feel so good about me.
There's one thing I always remember and I'm grateful that Ella said it. A name that sounds like a name: Ben. He pinned that name on me.
“It feels weird to call B317. Hey, that's not even a name!” he cried out so loudly, but my ears still felt fine. Different if Yuna is talking.
“It's not a name,”. “That's code.”
The little girl seemed to be thinking. “B317, B317... Uh! What if I call Ben? Ben that sounds like a name, isn't it so Cold Little Prince?”
I put on a wry smile. “Ben and lousy mentions like the Cold Little Prince sound just as bad as code. Whatever, I don't care either. What does a name mean for a person like us.”
Ella laughed without showing empathy. If Yuna thinks my heart is so hard and cold, it's because she doesn't know people like Ella and Doctor Brown. The heart of the girl is as frozen as the heart of the father. I shuddered at the thought of Ella's smile that night and the horrible grin from Doctor Brown's face burning to half.
If my story isn't clear, Yuna's stupid brain might not be able to absorb all the information I'm conveying. So I'm going to cut it down as clearly as I can. Jesus, strengthen me.
The year I got to know Ella, I felt more comfortable with her. I have little will to be like him. Being an ordinary human being and not an experimental human being like this. I'm always happy to receive every letter from Ella that she routinely sends after a year of our acquaintance. We sent each other letters secretly after her father forbade Ella to see me. Doctor Brown says I'm just an experiment and that charming Ella shouldn't be friends with someone like me. But the girl was very stubborn—pun me the same stubborn—so cause harm not only to ourselves but to a wider group.
One day in May I met a man of Doctor Brown's age with calm facial water and the sound of a breeze in a sunny spring. That man is Mr. Harry Scott. He was the doctor who handled this research— at that time only dozens of people were left who could survive. His rank is among the highest even he has a greater influence than Doctor Brown.
Sometimes I mess up because I was so bad when I first talked to him. His voice was indeed very pleasant to hear, but his words often made people misunderstand. He once said that me and my friends might all die. He would catch a tired breath, shake his head, then stop his hand while it would inject me. Mr. Harry would sit across from me and start a story about a world I never knew. The world Ella always refused to tell.
At that time, I was a little upset when Mr. Harry said that he would make me meet a good woman—, he said even though Ella was beautiful and charming, the boy is not good because he actually has a complainant character and likes to rule like his father. I only realized later, it turns out Ella is indeed the biggest and craziest girl I have ever known in my life. To be honest, I was beginning to think that our meeting might have been worse than living as an experiment. My meeting with Ella became a path that opened all the doors of fear and panic that kept on attacking me even after a few years since our separation. His voice and smile haunt me constantly.
In short, my relationship with Ella was more through correspondence. Other than that I was afraid that Doctor Brown would come after us, I would also rather have a chat with Mr. Harry. Sometimes I wonder what makes Mr. Harry want to take the time to meet and talk to me every day. I mean, he's a very busy man. There are activities and games that he has. We play chess most often. My other advantage that Yuna should know is the fact that I never lose every game against Mr. Harry.
At first I thought he was taking me for granted, it turned out that he was also making the best effort he could but still losing. May I be proud that it is the first victory I can feel with my own ability?
“Do you hate this place, B317?” Master Harry who lost playing chess to me for the umpteenth time asked suddenly. I was a little surprised so confused as to give an answer like what.
“Do I have to answer honestly? You just want to test me, right?” response with questions.
Mr. Harry smiled, then replied roughly like this. “Either you want to lie or tell the truth, I don't really care. But it would be very good if your answer is honest and really out of the bottom of your heart.” As if I could read my thoughts and suspicions, then he added, “Hey, if I may give advice—and if you refuse, then he added, <TAG1>Hey, I'll keep talking.I'd better keep your suspicions for your little friend and his father. The boy, though sweet, gentle, and innocent, was actually nothing more than a little fox who was beginning to take advantage of people for his personal enjoyment. I don't like him much, because maybe he's endangering you.”
“Do you love me, Mr Harry?” my question was a little sudden so I saw Mr. Harry aghast even for a moment.
“Ya,” said. He gave me two explanations that left me a little confused. “I love you because you are the best result of our experiment so far. You might be a little offended, but it's for that reason that we're here to meet, son. Actually I am grateful because among the hundreds of outcasts, it is precisely you who were chosen and can survive so far. Oh, son please don't look sad mixed with disappointment like that. My heart aches every time I think about the possibility that you can't hold on any further so I might lose you. Therefore son, I will try to make you endure and release you. I don't speak as a scientist Harry Scott, but I speak and think as myself, as Harry Scott. But don't put too much hope. Although my position is quite important in this project, because I am eccentric and rebellious at superiors, it is not impossible that I failed and then expelled from this big project.”
“Why did you do that, Mr Harry?”
Mr. Harry looked at me with an unusual look. His gaze that time was so gentle and filled with a kind of unstoppable despair. “Nak, the reason I have actually sounded a bit selfish especially to my colleagues. Honestly, I don't want to tell anyone, including you. One thing you should know, the reason I have is not a bad reason. Very personal, but not bad.”
“Tells, Sir. I'm lazy if I have to
thinking about.”
“You haven't answered my question, son,” said Mr. Harry.
Instead of answering straight away, I leaned my back against the chair I was sitting on and closed my eyes for a moment. I glanced at Master Harry who gave up on my indifference. He sometimes complained that most of the responses I gave out were not at all the results of the research they had done, but it was purely my disposition which he called very annoying and alarming.
“Hey son, if your attitude continues like that, which woman would marry you? You don't think your bride is Miss Brown, do you? Surrender, her father will not approve of your relationship.”
In my heart I confirm Mr. Harry's last words. Who cares about life and love? Will I be able to get out of a stuffy place and smell like this? It's probably very small.
“Mr Harry, I hate this place. This place smells medicinal, dark, and unpleasant. Although I met you—and Ella of course—this place still feels stuffy.”
Mr. Harry smiled. He got up from his seat in front of me then his long hand rubbed my head.
“Nak, rather than Ben, I think Yoonbin is more in line with your character,” he said. “Strong yourself. I. I make sure you get out of this horrible place.
That's what Mr. Harry said before he walked away from me. Temporary.
*****
