Mastenges
122. A letter that was never sent
Dear mas Galang, I'm sorry if I prefer Amoroso. Not because I don't love you. But, after all, everything is not as simple as it seems. I have to keep my family's good name. I have to follow what my parents want. I'm sorry, if this is my decision, it hurt you so much.
You know, I was tormented by this match. Every night I think of you. My heart is broken, but I have no choice but to live it. Unless, if you really love me, take me away from here. Hows it?
June, 1987.
..
My heart hurts so much when you choose to give up. All right, I'm getting married. Even if I had to, my heart broke, I had to be strong to live it. Because, even now you give up and do not dare to take me far away.
June, 1987
...
I see an unwilling look from you. But my heart aches, why are you not willing, and yet you give up?
I sat in the side, you were greeting me, as if all the wonderful stories never happened between us.
Mom, you said you'd always love me. But where is the evidence? You look at me like a coward hiding behind your stubbornness.
June, 1987.
...
I really enjoyed it, on the night we made love. You're so great, that I'm lulled because of you. Mas, I know we've made a mistake. But let me keep seeing you. With you. I don't care about my current status. I need you so much.
October, 1987.
...
My husband came home, sorry if we had to part for a while. I love you so much. However, my duty as a wife was so urgent that I was to serve her.
See you next week. As long as he's in Jakarta, we better not meet. He began to suspect our relationship.
January, 1988.
...
Mas Galang, are you not saturated with our relationship? Don't you want to have me completely? If I had to divorce my husband, I would. It's just, I have to convince myself, if you really intend to be with me forever.
After all, I felt sinful with Amoroso. But my love for you cannot be extinguished. Mommy, can we unite? Why did you not dare to take me away?
I love you so much, I want to be with you forever. This is not a lie. Mas, give me reassurance, that I may be about everything that stands in our way.
July, 1988.
...
I'm sorry if our relationship has to end. I have conceived the son of Amoroso. Inevitably, I must look after this child until he is born.
Mas, I'm sorry.
August, 1988.
...
Why are you so stubborn? I told you, if the baby in this cage is not your child! Stop confessing when this baby is your son. Don't make me go crazy.
Mas, if you love me. Forget me. Ikhlaskan.
August, 1988.
....
I'm very grateful, if you're so attentive to me and the baby I'm carrying. Yes, but we cannot be together now. Stop giving me the attention that makes it hard to forget you.
I told you, if this baby is the son of Amoroso. Never expect more from me. If you really want me, why don't you fight for me when I'm not married to Amoroso?
March 1989.
...
Mom, I told you, our relationship is over. My life is for my little family. Never ask about love again. Even though my heart is for you, then what can we do?
Mas, I hope you find another good woman. You can marry and have a happy family. Forget me and the Typhoon. You are too late to fight.
I'm sorry if all this makes you have to be assigned to the border. Maybe this is the only way we can forget each other.
May, 1990.
...
Why do you keep sending me letters? 6 Years have passed. Do you realize, every time I receive a letter from you, I always feel tormented. I can never forget you, however. How can I continue my days like this? When I always receive news with messages that are always full of love for me and Typhoon.
Mom, start a new life. Whatever it is, we are on a different path now. Forget about me. I'm sorry.
January, 1996.
...
Mas.... Where are you now. I'm sorry for always ignoring your every letter. Ten years ago, this feeling had not disappeared.
Mom, are you okay there? I don't know where you are. My life is empty, my life is empty. My days were so heavy that Amoroso continued to doubt Typhoon was his son.
Mas, I need you. I don't know where to send this letter.
Mas, if one day we meet, let me hug you and cry in your arms. Mas, I need you.
January, 2000.
..
Then, Typhoon's eyes stared at the pile of letters from Galang to Erna. Then he started reading the letter.
To my beloved, Erna. My thorny roses.
Reaching out to you is like reaching for the stars in the sky. Something I couldn't possibly do. But can I dream of picking the star?
Erna, even if I let you go. Not that my love is extinguished for you. I will love you forever. For some reason, my feelings of love stopped in you. Just you and only you.
Sorry if the impression I didn't fight. It's just that our relationship is too complicated to maintain. Let me keep this feeling until death picks me up later in the day.
June, 1987.
...
Erna, I'm sorry I touched you. I'm sorry I made you betray your husband. I did it because I love you so much. If anything happens later on, I'm ready to take responsibility. I don't care about anything anymore. I realized I wouldn't be able to live without you. Although I was late to fight, this time I had to fight for you. Because I love you so much.
October, 1987.
...
Erna, let me tell your family, if the child you are carrying is my child. I'm sure it's my son, even though you rejected him.
Erna, do you not love me anymore? Why did you choose to fight for Amoroso?
March, 1989.
...
No matter how far I've been dumped. I will bring our love to my heart. Erna, I'm heading for Typhoon. How could you deny it if Typhoon is so similar to me?
Erna, I will always be waiting for you. It'll be a year, two years, five years, ten years, or forever. My love will always be eternal for you and the Typhoon.
I will wait until your heart chooses to be with me.
Erna, I don't care what people say, even if I get fired from my unit, I don't care. I know it's too late. But it all depends on your choice. If you choose me, I'll pick you up and let's live from scratch, and come wherever I go.
But if you still choose to be with Amoroso, what can I do? I can only wish you the best. But remember, my love will never go out. And never force me to love anyone but you. My heart stops at you.
May, 1990.
...
Dear Erna, six years have passed. How are you and Typhoon? I hope you guys are okay. I'll be transferred to a conflict zone. Maybe this is my last letter if I don't survive on duty. I also sent you an album containing photos of the two of us. You can see what is written in it.
Erna, it's been six years, and I'm still alone. I'm still waiting to hear from you, if you'll choose to be with me. But the news did not come. I hope you really feel happy with her.
My prayers are always.
January, 1996.
...
Erna, I'm back in Jakarta. Will you meet me? I miss you so much. How are you and Typhoon? Bring a Cyclone if you want to meet me. Meet me at the Indonesian hotel at seven p.m.
i wait.
October, 1998.
...
The typhoon folded the last letter from the pile of those letters. Then, he looked at Erna who kept crying beside him.
"Then, after the last letter, what happened? Did mom meet him?" Ask Typhoon.
Erna shook her head. Then, he dared to look at the Typhoon.
"No, it's over. Your sisters were also born. Mommy can what? Should you pursue that love again?" Erna.
The typhoon let out a long sigh, and rubbed Erna's back.
"Mom, am I really his son? Tell me the truth, ma'am.."
"Mom doesn't know."
"But why is he so sure? Do I really look like him? Is it just my feelings?" Ask Typhoon.
Erna looked back at the Typhoon. Tears continued to wash his cheeks.
"Should you admit that?" Ask Erna.
"Yes, of course," said Typhoon.
Erna was silent for a moment. Then, he lowered his face.
"Yes, you are very similar to him. Maybe it's a punishment because you betrayed your father."
Typhoon was silent, his chest felt tight.
"So right, I'm his son? Why did you never admit it? Why did you torture my father?" Ask Typhoon.
Erna sobbed until her shoulder was shaken.
"I told you, your mother is a coward!"
Typhoon silent. Only Erna's cry was heard until the dawn of the Adhan reverberated beautifully.
