Eight Years of My Marriage

Go hard survive the pain

"I'm asking for money." I said softly to Lion

"Nothing!!" lion replied with a voice

I can only be quiet. This is the umpteenth time. Every time I ask for money, Lion always says no.

Lion is not the type of husband who can be open with his wife, let alone financial problems.

We never even talked to each other who just relaxed while chattering or coffee.

In fact he never asked, whether the money given was enough or not. I as a wife was sometimes confused with Lion.

He is not as understanding and not generally a married man. This household, I don't know what I call it.

"I just realized, it turns out I'm just a runaway, just made status."

I was silent for a moment.

"I was married not because of love, Yes, I didn't love you at first, but over time, love doesn't matter. What matters is a responsible husband."

I said to Lion.

"I'm confused, you have an established job, and you certainly have a fixed salary. But why is every asked for money always complaining nothing."

I said to Lion again.

Lion just kept quiet by pretending to be asleep and not listening to me.

Honestly, I'm not strong anymore, my tears are breaking. I always hide my tears by going to the bathroom. Whether it's pretending to take a shower or just washing your face.

The bathroom was the most comfortable place when I cried grieving after fighting with Lion.

Spilled tears seemed to be covered with a wash of running water. Blending in without any gaps. So that I unconsciously, if I am sad and crying.

I also found out from a chat on Lion's phone some time ago, that there was a woman who had borrowed money from him and borrowed money from him again to open a business.

After I read the chat, I was hurt. I don't think about Lion. To his wife he was so happy. While whether it's a friend or who he is so royal.

Like being struck by lightning, the heart stopped for a moment. It feels unbelievable. But it's true. When I tried to question Lion the intent of the chat, Lion seemed to avoid it.

Lion does not want his marriage with me to run aground like before. In the past, he had said that his wife changed after being held by a lot of money and credit cards. Being not fond of cooking, shopping for clothes, lack of attention to family, being brave and disrespectful to husband, and much more.

Sometimes I think, I'm the victim of Lion's divorce and his ex-wife. Lion has become distrustful of me for his present wife because of his past.

But this is not fair to me. Because I don't think I'm his ex-wife. Why am I equated. As if afraid that I would be the same as his ex-wife, and make this household again destroyed.

Precisely with the nature of the Lion like this, making his own destruction in his household. But Lion seemed not aware of it or reluctant to care about his attitude.

Divorce, it's not the first thing I said, second, maybe it's more. Except for the umpteenth time I said divorce to her.

Like not being able to face a husband like Lion. I became aware, that perhaps, making his ex-wife always ask for money and money to be held by the wife when the household used to be this.

This is the answer, That Lion willingly and easily lend money to women out there. Whether it's to his coworkers or something I don't understand with his mind either.

I often lecture him.

Used to make the wife's child happy will be more useful and get a lot of rewards. And your provision shall be multiplied by Allah SWT." I used to say that to Lion.

Instead of being given to the wife's child, the wife is happy to be invited to the salon for treatment. Beautify yourself. In fact, Lion prefers to see beautiful women outside, rather than giving money to beautify his wife.

It feels like my household. Bittersweet but I have to swallow it myself. Not just tears for two days. Even almost every day. My freedom's taken. I can't express myself since I got married to Lion.

Whatever I do to find extra money, even if it is just a small sale through online is as wrong as Dimata Lion. Lion never agreed.

Because what? Because if I hold the money, Lion thinks I'm leaving. And yes it is true.

My emotions always peaked, when Lion tested me like this.

I decided I wanted to go and end it all. I think that's enough. I consider it a life experience and a valuable lesson for myself.

But every desire to get out of this house. Always bumping, when I see Nuno.

I always give in and must not be selfish thinking about my own happiness without thinking about Nuno.

Again, I could have left Lion and this house. But when I see Nuno, I always shed tears.

"Yes, my house has to be destroyed?"

"Well, should I give up here?"

"Why is it now?"

"Why not from before?

"Don't the Lion always be like that long ago, always hurt me."

"What about Nuno?"

"What if Nuno's looking for his father?"

And many more.

About those questions that are always raging and whipping my head.

My energy became helpless when faced with the difficult choice between going and surviving. Going is hard but it hurts. That's what I experienced when I was married to Lion.

And it becomes very unfair, when Lion seems calm and as if there is no problem and considers my sadness, my tears, my disappointment with him as normal.

It could even be said that he really did not care about my attitude and my anger towards him.

The word divorce that I threw out repeatedly became commonplace in our household. I realize I was wrong. But honestly at that time, only that word could calm me down and forget all the pain Lion did to me.

Here I try to give up for the umpteenth time. Understanding Lion has never known how many times in my life. It's all like I'm fighting myself against my hurt feelings for him.

My inner war every day, analyzing Lion's actions, attitudes and behavior on me. It's hard to explain how I feel about him. And all I hold and damper myself. Against the pain that Lion has given me.

This house is like hell. Each other as if grasping fire in a husk. Like a time bomb ready to explode at any moment.

Four years of our household journey, it was really difficult to go through at that time.