Semusim Love

I'm ruined

Dennis

How long have I been married to this woman? It feels like just yesterday I said kabul ijab in front of the penghulu and witnessed by my future wife's father. His name is Tippy. Tippy Andreas Larasati.

I've never known him before. I was at Pittsburgh State University when he just graduated High School. Well, our age gap is three years away. I graduated with a Masters in Creative Writing from UNSW when we met destiny, at that time she was still a student at UNY.

Sweet Tippy admired my writing, which at that time had been a public lecture tutor on the campus. I also did not deny that I was interested in the girl.

We finally got married after a fairly short period of exploration, which was three months. So be my Tippy zawj (my partner) and my mar'ah (my jewelry). I fell in love with him immediately.

She might not be so pretty compared to my college friends back in Pittsburgh. But he is simple, not neko-neko, independent, and never demands anything.

Until two of our children were born, I found no turmoil. Behind all his weaknesses, Tippy remains the most beautiful to me. I don't care about a lot of college friends, high-ranking sisters, even my colleagues who are said to be interested and like me. They're prettier, prettier than Tippy. But I'm flinching. For to me, Tippy is half my soul.

Yeah, I limped without him. I felt my breath blow from next to his lungs. My life is not complete without him. So I let him and I understand his weaknesses.

For almost six months I attended a regular study with an Egyptian student friend in Pittsburgh. I began to explore Islam further and routinely studied it.

Sometimes I miss the weird ones. A longing that I can't touch the tip of the base. Every time I find friends who talk about their wives teaching, or on Saturday mornings where they bring their kids along.

I miss imagining Tippy wearing a robe and studying. Tippy discussed with me about religion.

But my longing is just nuance. Every time I tried to talk, I took the initiative to cut it off. Because I can't bear it. Tippy's been carrying too much weight. It takes care of the home, the children and everything***** its whining.

.

.

.

Tippy

I stuck myself in the mirror. Thirty, still not looking too old.

Something is missing from my face. My eyes are no longer shining. Dennis used to praise my eyes by calling them 'The eyes of the star of the ravine'. And I'm flattered.

But the light is dim now. Ever since I felt like my life was more complicated.

In the past, I was saturated with my household routine that was full of burdens. I need refreshing. Refreshing that gives an injection of spirit to my kejemuan. I looked for Arya...

That I still have the right to have fun among my weight. That I was still beautiful (Soalya mas Dennis began to rarely praise, and even often insinuate me to beautify my dry skin.).

That I can actually still be proud and not only the wives of friends ngajinya mas Dennis who can (Soalya mas Dennis several times mengkeplosan tell wife of his friends who activists, worship this. That I'm still 'I'm glittering.

But long-time... I feel like I've gone too far. Instead of getting what I wanted, I fell into a deep dark hole. Sin hole..

I have become the most hypocritical and cowardly person. How disgusting.

Tonight, Dennis asked for his rights as a husband. I don't know when the last time we did it, maybe a month ago Dennis hasn't touched me, just tonight.

Surprisingly, this time I didn't enjoy it, didn't miss it. I asked Dennis to turn off all the lights, so he didn't know if I cried all that time.

I feel guilty. It's very sinful.I feel so dirty... God, what should I do?

Dennis hugged me from behind.

"Are you tired, baby?" His whisper.

"Y-yeah.so..."Lirihku.

He tightened his arms, "Sleep," he said, kissing my cheek softly.

Before long I had heard her snoring which this time was so smooth. I complained. My body aches. Heartbroken. My mind was staring everywhere...

Oh, my God, I'm so sad...

I'm sorry mas. I'm just a traitorous wife. The unfaithful wife. Unshalehah.

I'm ruined tonight...

My head's pepat. Can't be used to think, even remember, anything. Maybe this is the impact of what I did. Yeah, it might be. I am stressed by my own actions. I was digging my own grave.

***To be continuous

happy reading***