Intermissums

Prologues

The silence was felt as night fell. I sat down on the bed that suddenly felt stuffy because I was getting more difficulty breathing. My eyes somehow began to water, I cried without a sound, letting my tears wet my cheeks, neck, and pillowcases that I put on my face to dampen my sobs so as not to become more.

In that cry, my body trembled and my lips felt frozen. The events that happened during my life started to spin in my head, popping them randomly, and leaving a real feeling that made me want to hit myself.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” rutukku while tugging my hair, doing anything that can eliminate the pain that never disappears. Disappointed, angry, sad, broken joined into a single-unity that pressed my chest so strongly that I felt difficulty breathing. Frustrated, I threw a pillow at the door, kicked at the blanket I was wearing, and curled up on the bed like a cocoon that lost power and began to be helpless, still with tears flowing more and more.

Maybe if I were just a 5-year-old kid, I wouldn't be like this. I just assumed everything was just the wind and forgot about it a few minutes later, then normal again, as if I had no weight. However, I am now 14 years old, I have entered adolescence and I am beginning to understand many things. I began to think of everything, including the risks I now take from what I did before. 

I knew I shouldn't cry just because I had failed for the first time in my life. But the truth is so painful. All because I had so much hope that I never imagined what if things didn't go my way. 

“Stupid,” umpatku again. 

I also remembered how my father told his brothers with confidence that his son could attend a superior school, how my mama always wanted the best and wanted to show people who had underestimated my ability, and how I wanted to prove that I could boast. But everything did not go according to plan.

I know that no matter how hard man tries, God is the one who determines. I-i know. However, this fact is not that easy to accept because I feel that my efforts have really not got the right reply.

So, I took the books with a heart that seemed to be torn to shreds, causing pain so painful, moving them to the cupboard furthest from my bed, so I don't have to see her again tonight, at least until I can accept this fact. Or if I could, I want them to disappear right now so I never see them again forever.

Yes, forever. Because I know, this pain can't go away overnight. In the next few days, or a few months. Like ink being put in water, dissolved and clouding the water, this pain may not completely disappear in life. It never will. 

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