GUS IDOL

Inner Conflict

GUS IDOL

PART 25'S

"I know, I must miss him too, right?

Whether true or not his accusation was true, but my heart could not deny it.

"Especially after knowing that Kyai samean has also approved your matchmaking, is it possible now that your heart samean wavers?!"

I could only cry, unable to answer my husband's question, my tongue was twisted.

"Deck swab!" He said by holding both my shoulders.

"Sampean is still in love with her?" Say it again with a vibrating tone.

I shook my head slowly, I grabbed my husband's body and cried in my arms.

"I don't want to let you go gus." Inner saying.

"I really love you Hilya." The tip of my head.

We dissolved in each other's grief until the sound of Ubed echoing the adhan from our musholla.

"When you take a bath, it's ashar." Gus Abdi's.

I stretched my body out of his arms, he rubbed my wet cheek. I also, I rubbed the corner of his eyes that still looked wet.

*

"Hil, please make three coffees." Pinta mas Azam while I was slicing cabbage in the kitchen.

"Are there guests?"

"Yes my cottage."

"Kui nanges, let's nanges?" Say again.

(Why is that, crying out?)

I spontaneously lowered my head hiding my puffy eyes even though it had been discovered by my brother.

"No, no." My lies.

"Here, don't make the coffee but later take it myself yes, I don't want to nganter if the guest is male." I said.

"Yes-yes. Your husband likes coffee, he's also in front of my guest." Mas Azam said as he passed away leaving the kitchen.

"He.em."

I abandoned my cabbage slicing activity and switched to grabbing a special pot to boil water.

After I finished making it I did not drive it forward, let Azam himself take it because I am not used to welcoming male guests let alone those I do not know.

Minutes later Azam came back to the kitchen and took a tray of coffee cups.

After that came my mother, she immediately helped me cook this afternoon. While talking, our hands were busy doing everything.

"Hil Piye? Wes talkin' karo bojomu?" ask Mother.

(Gimana Hil, have spoken to your husband)

"Sorry buk" I replied.

"Piye?"

"Gus Abdi thinks I still like Khalid."

"Gek piye's way through? She mad?"

I'm nodding.

"How are you?"

"Kulo geh always choose gus Abdi to buk, lhawong we are already married. Yesterday I chose another man, maybe later kulo stamped as a woman no longer really."

"Lha is actually sampean getun opo not to Hil, same marriage gus Abdi?"

"Mboten," I replied with some hesitation.

I hate situations like this. Being in a dilemma situation that makes me oscillate in doubt that seems to want to mislead me.

Since my reunion with Gus Khalid, I've been honestly thinking about our good times. Although many times I brushed it off but the shadow seemed to force me to go back to him.

Especially after knowing that he intends to menghitku through Kyaiku, Abi Yahya Nur Salim. He certainly has the blessing of our Kyai.

Why should I also be faced with two choices that make my heart ache like this. Could this be called a test before marriage?

Gus Abdi, that handsome man is very sincere. He is also kind and loving. His heart is not easily swayed by the temptations of just any woman.

Ning Wafiq who was as beautiful as that can be rejected, even if other men would immediately agree if betrothed to him even without being asked.

From this I came to the conclusion that Gus Abdi is a loyal type of man. If his heart is already attached to one woman, then he will not easily turn away from her. All women must want a faithful husband until the end of his life, not least myself.

***

I heard my husband's voice teaching. I slowly opened my eyes and glanced at the alarm clock above the bedside nightstand that showed at 03:25.

My heart asked me why he didn't wake me when he used to wake me up before he went to the bathroom by kissing my cheeks until I opened my eyes. After that we performed the malan prayer together followed by the Nderes of the Qur'an, Gus Abdi who read me who encouraged it.

Was I sleeping too fast so that I didn't feel awake, or did he deliberately not wake me up? But from last night his attitude was a bit cold, even though we still talked to each other. Not as warm as usual.

I immediately got up and went to the bathroom and I prayed the night prayer behind my husband who was teaching. After the prayer I took the mushaf giving Abdi gus and looked for the surah he was reading. I was about to ask him where he read but I expressed my intention because I felt bad.

The last thing I remember yesterday was reading up to the final 14th juz. I observed the reading, it turned out that he came to Surah Al-kahfi, I happened to memorize a little with some verses from the surah because every morning I read it. Then I opened the Surah and looked for the verse he was reading.

Until the sound of tarhim was heard, Gus Abdi also stopped his sentence.

Gus Abdi turned around and now we're sitting face to face.

"I'm sorry for the deck, it made you cry yesterday" he said with a sad look.

"Don't apologize mas, genengan mboten wrong really."

I looked at his face, there was regret there.

This is what made me fall for him, his gentle attitude and easier to apologize if he made a mistake and if he was angry then it would not last long his anger. Perhaps because of his barokah a Hafidz, he was able to overcome his anger with the recitations of the holy verses of the Qur'an which he always made dhikr at any time, because actually if we read the holy verse of the Qur'an by pervading its meaning, then our soul will feel peaceful and serene.

"Seeing you cry makes me even scarier deck, sepuntene."

"But if you want to consider our marriage back is okay. I'm sincere if I love Khalid more. I just don't want to marry me with just half a heart."

"Don't talk like that mas" I said with a trembling mouth, my throat choking.

I brought myself closer to him and I hugged my husband from the side, I put my head on his arm.

"Kulo really love gengan gus," I said again.

He was silent, only the sound of his heartbeat could be heard.

***

"Ajenge with pundi mas?" (Where are you).

I asked Gus Abdi who already looks neat and fragrant. I was just about to offer him breakfast.

"Teng dek school, today there is a Halal bi halal event. But I'll go home and change my uniform."

"Ooh.." I replied briefly.

"Sampean here just nggeh, later insyaallah come back here again. All of you will also stop by the mall to take orders when we give."

"Snapjeh. Let's have breakfast first." I took her hand and took her to the kitchen.

"Monggo breakfast mas," bargained gus Abdi on Azam mas who was sitting in front of the tv with a glass of coffee in front of him.

"Nggeh just go first." Answer Azam while smiling at Gus Abdi.

"Mas Azam mboten used to have breakfast this early. Usually by 9. Habits in the cottage he said."

"Emm.."

Today's menu is ketupat, according to our Lebaran tradition on the 7th day will be held 'Kupatan' that is, all residents will make ketupat and vegetable lodeh or chicken opor which will be taken to the nearest musholla to read the do'a together and also eat it together there. After that, each person will bring a different vegetable to the one he brought from home, in other words we exchanged dishes.

Because we and our family were not able to pedal ketupat, then the mother usually bought it in the market, so we just fill it with rice and cook it.

"Mawong's kiss on the deck" he asked.

(with deck).

I smiled and nodded, then took a rather wide plate and sliced three ketupat fruit on top and I sprinkled the vegetable lodeh sauce on top.

We ate with a plate of both.

After eating Gus Abdi immediately went and said goodbye to Abah, mother and also mas Azam.

*

"Quickly register your marriage to KUA nduk, this is the time to mepet." Mom said as we relaxed on the terrace. I watered the flowers planted by my mother.

"Norgh, buk. God willing tomorrow. Now, Gus Abdi still has a halal bi halal event at his school. Yesterday was also still the atmosphere of Eid."

"Let's take her with your Abah."

"Snack."

"Your husband is no longer angry, Hil? Looks like it's been mediocre?"

"Mboten buk. Gus Abdi niku if angry never long."

"Alhamdulillah lek ngunu."

"If so ba'da dzuhur later we go to the place of wedding organizer yo, mumpung there is time. If not pesen long ago fear in pesen people fitting your wedding date later."

"Enggeh buk."

Finished watering my plants back again to the bathroom to shower and perform dhuha prayers.

I opened my phone, there was an unanswered call from a number I didn't know. Curious and worried that it was important, I sent a short message asking who the owner of the number was.

I put my phone back on the nightstand and shower and pray dhuha.

When I finished praying, my phone rang again. A call from an unknown number. Slide the green dial button.

"Assalamu'alaikum's chat. Sinten ngggeh?"

Silent.

Scroll back to the phone screen to see if the call is still connected or not.

"Hello, Assalamu'alaikum!" Saying again.

"Wa'alaikumsalam." There was a male voice from the end of the phone.

It seemed that the voice was not foreign to me, but I forgot whose voice it was.

"Sinten ngggeh?" My toot.

(who is?)

"Synthetically?"

"Forgot my voice, Dindha?"

The deg!!!

The dindha? Only one person called me that name.

"Sister Khalid?!" I'm spontaneous.

"Alhamdulillah if you remember. Thank you for not forgetting me."

I guess my legs were shaking, and soon I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Where's my number?" Askaqua.

"From Furqon."

"Furqon who?"

"Become of Arum."

Arum's? Was Arum my first classmate?

Oh, aye. I just remembered, Arum has an older brother named Brother Furqon who is also a class brother Khalid.

My heart's pounding, what's it for, brother Khalid to find my number and call me?

"Ndha, I'm kuaangen."

Now my breath is starting to cramp.

"I know calling you is unjustified, but I'd like to speak directly to you."

"Sampean already want not to lamar but it was already in the first mas Abdi."

I still hear him talking even though I can only be silent, my conscience wants to hang up the phone, but from the other side I still want to hear him talking.

"I'm sorry I never told you before, so I turned away from me and married someone else. But have you forgotten the promise you made?"

A promise? I was stunned to remember that promise. I've even forgotten about it since I knew Gus Abdi.

"Sampean once promised me to be willing to wait for me, but when I wanted to pick you up, I was already someone else's wife." He spoke with a voice that sounded raucous.

I don't think he's going to take it seriously and have forgotten about it given that he hasn't told you in years.

"Sampean never told me, I think you've forgotten." I forced my mouth to open and ventured to speak to Gus Khalid.

"Sorry ndha, I used to not focus too much on playing mobile phones, let alone social media. I was too busy with my school and school. I'm obsessed with getting an S2 scholarship in Egypt."

"Now I have graduated S1 and managed to get that scholarship. But before I leave I want to tie you up first."

My eyes began to warm up, dropping a clear grain from his corner.

"I have also asked for the blessing of Abi Yahya and Umi Dewi, our teacher. Isn't getting ridlho from a teacher a good enough stock to sail the household ark?!"

"Yes, yesterday I was also just from ndalem. Umi has said everything, too" I said.

"Ndha," he called. Why does he still call me that name.

"If you are not married to a mas Abdi, would you come back to me?"

Glekk!!

Why should he ask that?!.

Even I don't know the answer to that question.

"Ndha?"

Whether I hate it or like it, I feel like I have to hear that call. But on the other hand I also feel uncomfortable considering my current status who has become the wife of Gus Abdi.

"Sister, please don't call me that again."

"Oh, sorry. I'm used to calling you that."

"Please let me marry Gus Abdi, don't nullify us again. I've become his wife now, it's a sin for me if I keep in touch with sampean."

"Sorry, once again sorry. Not that I want to bother you. I just want to make sure, you still expect me or not? Your wedding has not been inaugurated. I'm willing, to take back your status and not a girl anymore."

"Sorry gus, but our relationship is long gone, let it be a memory. Just find another woman who is better than me. I'm sure there are still many other sholihah women who want to be a companion to life."

"Hilya, don't you remember the good times we used to be, when we went home from school we walked together despite crossing the road and not together but it has made me unable to sleep well all night. When my enthusiastic scout activities punish you just because I want to be near you, when we are met in one class during the semester, even though only a week but I am satisfied because I can see you all day. Although our relationship was without a clear status, but my feelings of love are really big for you Hilya."

I shed tears at the words of Khalid. Makes my memories go back to the old days that were too sweet to forget.

I'm really in a dilemma on two options. I may love two men at once.

Maybe istikhoroh is my only solution at the moment.

"Please Khalid, don't get me stuck in a past that my husband will never like. Sorry, I can't linger talking to sampean. I also had to think about the feelings of the man who was already my husband at this time. Assalamu'alaikum."

Tutt !!

I turned off the phone and I threw my phone on the bed. I cupped both palms covering my face while crying.

My phone rang back, I thought that Khalid's calling back was not. Plastered the name Habiby Lovely on a mobile phone screen, that's my husband's gus Abdi. I'll pick up the call immediately.

"Why is the phone so busy, who's calling?" Cecar gus Abdi when I just picked up his call.

"Assalamu'alaikum mas."

"Wa'alaikumsalam, who's the deck?" Ask again impatiently. I'm like a thief caught red-handed.

"So that phone..anu, that's.." I tried to lie but my tongue felt heavy and my brain suddenly stuck looking for an excuse.

"Hem?!"

"Kulo telfunan kalih indri." My answer.

I'm not lying, Indri did call me early this morning.

"Owh, cyprus. Kulo just wanted to say maybe he'll be home a little late because there's a friendly event at the Headmaster's house, all the teachers are invited."

"If the night goes back to the pesantren mawon mas, than the night on the road."

"Ndak nothing. Rather than sleep alone at night cold, hehe."

"Hmm, basic." I laughed, for a moment I forgot my sadness.

"Just a few hours apart until it has made the deck kangen," said Gus Abdi who made me blush.

"Start on..!"

"Haha. saestu deck. So do not leave kulo nggih," he said seriously.

"Please. darling.."

"Masyaallah. nah, that is. Calling my dear will make it look sweet ."

"Ciye.. ciye. sir the dating teacher..!!" There was a loud noise behind the phone. Looks like the voices of the disciples of Gus Abdi.

"It was a long time ago, deck. Assalamu'alaikum!" Panicked words.

"Wa'alaikumsalam." I replied with a laugh, imagining how embarrassed my current husband was to be caught by his students.

"Oh, yes. Forgot not to ask permission," I murmured after remembering that later ba'da dzuhur I will go with my mother to the wedding organizer.

Immediately I typed a short message to my husband to ask him for permission.

I saw an unanswered call from an unknown number, after I checked Khalid's number. He called again when I was on the phone with Gus Abdi. He also sent a short message.

"Uhibbuki Hilya."

Immediately I deleted the message with mixed feelings.

Suddenly I remembered Indri, I had not told him about Khalid's gus who proposed to Abi. I just told you that we accidentally met at Abdi's house and also about Ning Wafiq.

Soon I called my best friend maybe he had a solution to my problem.

"Wa'alaikumsalam the new manten!" Indri said after I said hello.

"At busy time, ndri?"

"No, just lying in the room again."

I also started telling indri starting from Gus Khalid who came to propose to me directly to Abi Yahya and called me earlier to invite me back to him.

"Lha do you still love Hil?" Ask indri.

I was silent, doubtful of my own answer.

"Saranku, forget brother Khalid. You are already his wife, Gus Abdi Hil, although not yet officially."

"Yes, I know, but Khalid's shadow is still troubling my mind. Before we met, I wanted to forget it. But after our meeting and the one who wanted to propose, my heart became shaky" I said in a voice that started to hoarse.

" This test is Hil, don't let the shetan succeed in teasing you who are trying to thwart your marriage. Yes, I have seen an article on FB about the exams ahead of the wedding. Among the former, who suddenly came back, doubts about the couple, the incitement of the people, and others that made the bride's heart become shaky. You must be strong Hilya, I think Gus Abdi was sincere with you. Don't waste a perfect man like Gus Abdi."

"But he's jealous easily, ndri,"

"Jealousy of the couple is natural Hil, his name is also love, fearing that he will lose the person he loves. Means Gus Abdi really loves you Hil," said Indri reassured.

"Am I istikhoroh ya ndri?"

"Not to Hil. If the guidance you receive comes from Allah, what will it be? The devil is the best at deceiving people in any way. You're married to Gus Abdi, do you have any intention of separating from him?"

"Na'udzubillah, no ndri."

"Lhaiy!! That's why I advise you to ignore Khalid's brother. Let's just say his sudden arrival is a test of your marriage."

"Some of you don't think, Hil. If Khalid's brother is a bit selfish. I already know that you already have a marriage bond with Gus Abdi but still he pursues you for the sake of selfish feelings. Does he not think that his actions can hurt the feelings of others. Different story that your status and Gus Abdi not yet tied to marriage."

I tried to digest Indri's words, maybe it was true what my friend said. It could be just a test of my marriage that I have to pass.

"Yes wes, ndri. I will try to escape brother Khalid and be faithful to the same Gus Abdi." Mantab.

"Remember Hil, do not need istikhoroh yes. Trust me the same."

"Believe in the same you as Mushrik dong me," I said.

"Get it," he sulked.

"Haha.yes.iya. Ngunu ae nesu ndri.ndri."

"Oraa!!"

I glanced at the wall clock that showed it almost at 11:00 p.m.

"Yo wes's. Wayae qilolah, take a nap. Thanks for my senses, baby. Muah..luck..!!" I kissed my phone. There was the sound of indri laughter.

"Assynnya!"

Tush!!

Phone connection disconnected. I lay down on the bed while surfing in cyberspace until I fell asleep and woke up again after hearing the voice of Ubed echoing adzan dzuhur.

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