Flashbacks

Chapter 18: A Fact

Today is my first day as a senior. The plan was, I wanted to not go in because I knew there would be no lessons. But my friends said, the first day is important, must spread the charm of the same class sister. They said let the class be afraid. In fact, it is the same as the usual day. It even bored. I just sit in a crowded class will be the sound of guys playing ball with the swearing that keeps coming out, the sound of girls who are watching biased vidio again, he said, and my best friend who had not stopped making ticktok.

If only, Ryan would still be here. I'll deliver food for him. Then we were alone in the cafeteria joking or just staring silently. It has been 2 months since that breakup. The smell of his body still continues to smell in my smell. A body fragrance I can't describe how it smells. I've never smelled a fragrance like that on Sister Ryan's body. He is different. No one can ever match it. He is Ryan Mahardika. The guy with the princely aura that always attached to him. I was flattered to find it even to share my story and make a story together. It felt like an honor to be the girl he was curious about.

"Sister Ryan's busy going to college, Ti. He said, you don't think about him often, but he can't focus on learning" Jihan said in my ear.

"Do you know where he is when I think of him?"

"And you're one heart, one soul, so he'll know."

"Udah, there you make another ticktock. Don't bother me" I said, pushing Jihan away from me. The girl was forced to stay away and invite me to play the tiktok together, but I refused.

"Over these 2 months, you've been in touch with Ryan?" tanya Dita who was sitting in front of me but focused on writing. I don't know what he wrote. At first glance I saw the thick book entitled Biology Questions.

I'm shaking. Two months he had gone away leaving behind a sense that was always there and memories that were always twisted. But I never got any news from him. The news that he has arrived in Jakarta I also get from Jihan. I deliberately kept myself from contacting him. I'm afraid it's bothering me and the main reason I want him to call me. "2 Years old, Dit. Is Gani still hanging?"

"What, anyway, Ti? How to change topic? If you talk about him, mending I just learn," said Dita turned her back to me. I laugh. My friends are funny. They also have a love story that is certainly more beautiful to them than my love story. Example, Dita. The girl has a bashful love story with an upperclassman named Gani. For all I know, Gani is also quiet, but has also been romantic with Dita. I remember, we were waiting for the rain to subside in the joglo ahead. Suddenly Kak Gani came and gave his jacket to Dita, he said so as not to get cold.

Then, my best friend from the group. He has a love story that is told without any reply. It's been a long time approaching Randy, brother Ryan, but there has been no progress. Even Randy was getting away. All I heard from Ryan's sister, Randy already has a girlfriend from Junior High. I couldn't tell my poor friend.

Well, if Anye. Honestly, I feel sorry to tell my best friend this love story. When she sent Kak Teguh's contact to her number from my phone, the girl's intro was blocked. It turns out that behind it all, Brother Teguh already has a lover. Almost Anye was hit because she once greeted Kak Teguh while walking with her boyfriend at school.

My last friend, Jihan. This girl is a pretty famous beauty vlogger. Subscribers have also penetrated 100k. Many of Adam approached, but he always refused. Whenever asked, Jihan always said she wanted to focus on the content. Though originally he could not move on from his ex who cut him off after 3 years of dating.

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For the first time, my friend stayed at my house. This is because I who was left by Mama and Papa out of town finished the job. They said they didn't want me to be home alone, so they stayed. My choice of allowing them to stay here is a little wrong. I should have made the rules first. That is, there should be no leftover snacks scattered, shoes should be neatly arranged, bags hung, and much more.

From a small Papa the same Mama always fight. I didn't know what the problem was because I was a kid. Up to grade 5 SD, they opted for divorce. Papa go take my brother, his name is Aldi, different 5 years the same me. Then I stayed with Mama contracted. I live hard, eat sometimes only rice with salt. Until I finally met Papa Jefri. They finally got married and I had another brother, Randy, Papa Jefri's son and his old wife. My life is starting to change, Papa Jefri is a rich man, whatever I ask him to follow. He thinks I'm his own son.

Then in 1st grade Junior High, I met Brother Aldi. She told me the reason Mama was divorced. Apparently because Papa thinks that Mama cheated and considers me not his son. There, I really hate him. He said the parents had an inner bond, but why can't he believe it. Pantes, since childhood, I have always been compared to Brother Aldi. I know, Brother Aldi is more sinter than me. Still want, Papa who always hit me if the value of science only got 7. He always wanted me to be like Kak Aldi who always got perfect grades in science.

Wake it up, Mama always told me to love science. Mama to my private lessons, buy thick books that I have no interest in reading at all. I know why Mama told me to like science, let me prove to Papa that I'm smart too.

After our anniersary, Papa sent a letter containing a photo of Kak Aldi who had become a doctor at a young age. I know, Papa would like to point out that Kak Aldi is better than me. Until finally, 2 days before I break up you, deck. Papa sent me another letter. He knows our relationship and wants to give me a fact of my dark time. Because I don't want you to know from her mouth, I found her, the day I dropped out, after school. I'm really angry with him. I don't know the reason why he wanted to tell a fact of my dark time to you. Maybe let you break me up and I'm back to admit to that stupid thing again. Because all I know, he always likes it when I admit to that stupid thing. I lost it at that time to end our relationship. Sorry, I was evil that night. My mood's screwed, deck. In my mind I was just scared. Do you know what scares me?

I am afraid that I will leave me after knowing that since childhood I like to hurt myself. Sounds crazy, but it's a fact. I like to push my head against the wall, door, mirror, or even I like to play with the cutter. Every time I do it, I feel calm and my burden is gone. But, if Mama and Papa fight again, I always hit my head against the wall while crying. My mom took me to a psychologist. He said, what I do can still be lost. Since I married Papa Jefri, I have never done that again.

However, the disease relapsed again when I was in 9th grade. Where is Mama who is protective and told me to master science. I bosen every time I watch tv again or just lying down, Mama angratin and tell me to read a book that is as thick as the wall of the house. My brain is really hot every time I read what's in the book. Formula, theory, I'm sick of all that. Finally I lanternsin with self-harm using cutter. It tastes really good. It doesn't even hurt very much. Mama did not know that I was playing cutter again, until I finally met you. Lo the plain, innocent, and gemesin.

At first, I didn't want to do it because I didn't think I was a good guy. But, every time I see your smile, my life is calm. I decided not to cut anymore and follow what you want. Teaching physics, biology, chemistry, mathematics, and English. Although I have no interest in those lessons, my brain can. I just don't like the name forcible and I can't tell Mama. I don't want to abuse him. He's the only reason I survived and now it's growing by one, lo.

I've all told stories. I can accept that you are the same as me. Because I also realized that I was a freak. Sorry I made you cry. I was crushed at that time until my thinking was that shallow. Maybe with the end of our relationship at that time, let you get used to it without me if someday I'll go away from you.

One you must know, until anytime you remain the prince's princess. My first and last love. For example, we split up, I'm sure God has a surprising scenario. Greetings dear, Prince.

My tears were shed after reading this letter. I feel stupid for not knowing anything. I should have been more attentive to him. The time he should have said in the theter room, I asked him more if he had any problems. I should be the place to tell stories.

Hating him is not my forte. Trying to hate it I can't. I accept it, its advantages and disadvantages. Like him who also accepts my shortcomings and advantages. "The belief is still there, brother and always will be. I also believe God has a shocking scenario for us. I miss you and I know you miss me too. We are sehati, sejimwa. It must have been my brother who said it was to Jihan. I know, whatever Jihan says is from you."

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