Princess Ladli Begam's

CHAPTER XII: THE PURSUIT

“Sultanate soldiers came looking for you, Princess!” Nazeer Khan came in a hurry. I saw a sweat flooding his forehead, and he looked panicked instead of clogged.

“What?” I got up from the couch with great difficulty. My eyes are still too soft to be conscious, and small contractions often come. Half of the dream shadow was still lodged in front of me, but Nazeer Khan forced me to recite it. The sultanate's army has come. I peeked out from behind the curtains, looking down at the balcony. They had gathered with glowing torches. There were dozens, and there were four hunting dogs among them. The dog's barking gave me goosebumps, and I could imagine the heartbreaking thing that would happen. My heart was racing, Shah Jahan must have known, and he sent a sultanate army to take me to the sultanate to be tried. What am I supposed to do? Am I going to run away? Or will they drag me forcibly from home to the qadi sultanate's house?

I'm down the stairs. My steps are very heavy because my distended stomach contains a burden that is not light. This child pushes out, occasionally causing contractions and painful pain. Nazeer Khan held my arm, afraid that I might fall when I stepped wrongly. Below, Mom sits on a pile of pillows. His eyes were watchful, his worries were clear. He tapped his finger on the small table while sipping chai. From the outside, the door was knocked unfriendly. The sultanate soldiers shouted Mother's name, letting their dogs sniff between the doors, instead, shouting their blatant threat at us.

“You must go, Nak.” Mom held my hand. His own hands were cold. I felt fear chime one in the look of her aging face. “You must live, Ladli. Sultanate soldiers will kill you if they find out that you're pregnant.”

I nodded, the worry came to me. “What would happen if I wasn't here? They'll hurt you.”

“They won't, Ladli. Shah Jahan won't touch Sultan Begam.”

“How about Arzani?”

I turned my face around the house that was embraced by darkness. The whole thing looked the same, and I couldn't tell the grating curtain from the door. Where is my son? I walked to his room, opened the room slowly, and found him sitting pensively on his couch. His face was empty, but his worries were so. Perhaps, for a child his age, this is very difficult to accept by Arzani.

“What happened, dear? Why don't you sleep?” I rubbed his thick black hair. I saw that touch was meaningless to him.

“Did the sultanate army come for this baby?”

I looked down, ashamed of my circumstances and my answer. She's a girl, and I've been teaching her inappropriate things for years. “Ya,” my answer is short. I don't know what the reaction is, but nothing has been created there.

“Mother should go,” she said later. He held my hand softly. His gaze changed for a moment. “He must be born, but not in this house.”

“How about you, my dear?”

“Sultanate soldiers won't hurt Sultan Begam's grandson. Mom should go.”

I peeked his cheek and his forehead hammered. My debt is now so despicable. My son had given himself up to escape death, and I wondered if I could get through it in a weakened state. My energy is not enough left, most of it has been drained to hold the weight in this womb for months. I came out of Arzani's room, watched him carefully, and left with my heart torn apart. I hugged Mom too. He had a grimace, and he mourned for me as our cries blended together. It was so heartbreaking to see my story now, but he himself could not do much. He patted my back, uttering one or two broken pieces of advice before I left his side.

“Go with your love. Be happy and make love and run until you're tired. Forgive me for not realizing how important this is to you, Ladli. I've been a bad parent, and now I'm going to do something right.”

I smiled at him, a sweet smile. “Thank you, Mom. By the love of God, I will return to you.”

The army dogs barked, in line with their rough beats. I ran into the backyard with Nazeer Khan. I used my pasmina, then I came out without a veil. Nazeer took out a ladder, stuck it on the back wall. He corrected his position, occasionally glancing backwards when one of the army torches was seen by us.

“Be careful, Princess.”

“Tell Jafar to meet me on the banks of the river Ravi.” I held onto the stairs, climbed slowly onto it. I didn't think about this kind of escape, but now I'm actually doing it without a second thought. The safety of this child is paramount.

My body slumped from the other side of the wall. When my body was completely outside, Nazeer raised the stairs back to the warehouse. I heard her steps moving away in rhythm, and I stepped slowly, half running towards the forest. Fatigue came to me for a moment. I can feel alternating contractions and pains in my stomach. Is this the time? Please God, give me a little more time until Jafar comes. I continued to leave the forest, running small steps over one or two pools of rainwater. As my path slowly slowed down, a voice startled me from a distance.

The voice came like thunder, thundering carrying fear. The sultanate army came to me. They knew I wasn't home. Could it be that they broke through a while after I left? I ran violently, my breath going without limit, broken by the fear itself. The dogs barked in the distance, barked and sniffed, and the cries of the soldiers scared me to death. They ran. I heard the clattering of their shoes stepping unequally. My heart was pounding with wrath, and my body was like without a burden. I ran down the hill, down in a hurry. How will this child survive? Will he survive? I felt my heart stop beating, then again spur in the same beat, the beat of fear. I hid behind a tree, occasionally squatting, almost numb from exhaustion. But I know that I'm not allowed to pause running. I rolled up my silk shoes, removed the pasmina and wrapped it around my neck. I can't die, I can't be caught. I have to fight for this child to be born safely. I brought myself closer to the Ravi River. Jafar will come, he will come, or Allah's help will come. But as I hoped, things got worse.

My weak footsteps had been defeated by the legs of those trained soldiers in terms of running. They caught up with me immediately, and my name was shouted from their blackened lips. The torches had brought the illumination in the light of death closer. I didn't look back, because the dog barked in excitement when its prey was found. I don't know where I am now, but I do know that the further away I get from home, the more I will arrive at the Ravi River. I am racing with breath and death. I went forward to look for the river, but how horrified I was when I only encountered the cliff. The Ravi River flows beneath it. The flow was beyond doubt, and the water seemed to have called me to plunge into its rushing waves.

I looked back, realizing that the distance between me and them was getting closer. I didn't have time to re-weight and think, so I threw my body into the water. I pray to God, for His love, that He may still allow me to survive and live. My body is struggling with the hardness of water. I felt these waters flood my mouth and ears, obscuring my gaze, as I tried to endure its deep turmoil. My feet were trying to flail around in it, and my hands were moving about uncontrollably. I'm trapped in the water. Above, faintly the flame of the torch thronged the mouth of the cliff. The sultanate's army is still there, but I've drifted to the bottom of the river. God has been kind enough to give me a chance, because I feel my strength to carry myself from the river to the surface. My head was sticking out, and my lips were flailing for a lost breath. I looked around. Darkness comes to me. I swam slowly towards the edge, to the other part of the river side.

Body weak. I was walking tired. I was leaning against a boulder, but I was sure that the river bank would not be safe. The water had flooded my lungs, and I coughed for it. Sultanate soldiers will leave the riverbank, if necessary will cross. There's no way they're gonna come back empty. At least, they are expected to return with a corpse or a piece of cloth from the quarry. So, I ran into the woods. My contents caused contractions, causing pain in my back and uterus. I held him, took a breath, uttered the name of Allah Almighty to fight. I saw a towering earth, and below it, the plains looked lower. I descended the ground, leaning against the ground. Above me was a shrub tree. I hope this thing can protect me, because this baby is kicking impatiently.

Contractions come to me, causing pain. I lay down my own body, and then I tied the pasmina to the root that was sticking out of the ground. Warm water came out from between my two crotches. The pain followed, and my heart raced in a terrible beat. I remembered the words of the healers, that I just needed to catch my breath, calm down, exhale, and push the baby out. I wish there was nothing at my birth right now, because I don't know how to get a breech baby out by myself. May God, I hope that my baby is a normal baby. Contractions came, and I took a deep breath, and I pushed this baby hard. The pain was so terrible that I cried for it. I bit the pasmina I tied, then I pushed my baby back with all my strength. Oh, my God, I feel the blood seeping, but there is no progress. Am I going to die? Will my baby die? Has Nazeer delivered my message to Jafar? Oh, my God, give me strength. I cried, sobbing alone. My mother was not beside me, so it felt terrible because the contractions and pain came at the same time.

I took a breath, exhaled it, pushed the baby. My screams become. I felt my uterus torn apart, causing a wound there. My tears were flowing, and I was crying. I don't know what happened to my baby, but I'm trying to fight even though my energy is teetering. My baby, O God, my baby. Save him, I whispered. I prayed and praised God, asking for a help, a miracle perhaps, but not. I doubt whether God will help sinners. Hell is my place, for this child is the product of adultery. This child that is about to be born, this child of Jafar, I don't know how to bring him back home. My moans constrained the desolate air. I can't hear water ripples or anything. No creature could speak, as if waiting for the birth of this child.

When I shouted the last groan with all the force that was slowly turning away and extinguished, I felt the round head of this child slip. I felt the boy slowly reaching for the ground, then I weakly took his bloody self. I kissed her, and I cried as hard as I could. The soldiers have left. They are also not visible even in faint foot beats. I sat up straight, unwinded. Surprisingly, my bleeding stopped by itself. This child was crying, his eyes narrowed invisible, and his hair was jet black. His skin was white, luring myself to wipe it with my fingers slowly without having to hurt him. His hands were wrestling with his chest, as if ready to fight. I hold her in love, embrace her with tears. How I was surprised to find out that he was a boy. Boys in the end, O God. If he had been born in the past, Shah Jahan would have killed him. But now, a boy from my womb. I wonder if I can bring him back?

I opened the blouse button, this kid crawled, reached for breast to suck. I watched him for a long time, and I dissolved in sorrow. Jafar has to see it, he has to see his son. His lips are like rosebuds, and his nose is like a bird's beak. I kissed her, drenching her with tears flowing down her little cheeks unobstructed. It was sad to have me, and then I slept all night alone.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself in warmth. A wool blanket was blown on my body. Not far from here, a fireplace was lit and extinguished, as if it was too afraid to appear on the surface of wood that was burned to ashes. Who else did this? I straightened my back slowly, aware of the consciousness. Then, something disturbed me. Where is my son now? I couldn't find it in my arms, so how panicked I was. I got up, it was very difficult because the pain I had suffered had not shown any kindness. Only the bleeding stopped. A hand held onto my shoulder, then the person darted forward.

“You haven't recovered, Ladli.” He sat me back. For a moment, I didn't know who this guy was, but I slowly learned that he was Jafar. My heart almost jumped.

“Jafar,” I said, not believing in reality. He grabbed our son, the smile on his face blushed, sometimes his lips kissed this child with love. I'm looking at him now. For months, there have been visible changes. His beard looked thicker, but his jawbone still looked firm. She still has charm, and I still fall for the charm itself.

He held me, then kissed me on the forehead. “Thank you, Darling. He's a boy.”

I smiled at him. “I'm sorry, Jafar.” I was worried that there would still be grudges between the two of us.

“Oh, Jafar.” I sobbed there. “How I love you. How much I want, too much, to live with you. You were talking about a child, and now I'm giving you a child. Pula men.”

He hugged me, then peeked at my forehead and cheeks and lips. Issue was also upon him, for he wept in tears of restraint. Both of us have suffered from this love, it is very difficult to imagine and act on it. Our lives are drama, but this is the reality.

Jafar whipped at me, glancing at our son who was asleep in his lap. “We have to give it a name.”

“What name do you want?” ask him anyway.

“Amir Khusow. I really like him, and I want this kid to taste the beauty of Khusrow's name in him. He will grow up as a poet, a great poet. Pujangga with love.”

I smile. I love our children, the fruit of our love. Boys. He had to learn archery and swim and sit on a horse saddle with Jafar. His father will take him to the truth of a man. I didn't want him locked up in my life, so, bitterly, I was determined that this boy would be with Jafar.

“You haven't eaten, Ladli. I've grilled a fish for you.”

Not far from us, two river fish had been roasted over the fireplace. It smelled playful in my nose, liquefying my saliva, because giving birth had left my energy drained without waste. My lips were dry, breaking all over the thin part. The food was brought to me. At first, I wanted to devour it myself, but Jafar insisted that this was part of it. He fed me gently, giving me a drink when I choked from being too hasty while chewing. I felt his love again lodged in his chest that field. No, that love is with her, always, forever.

I don't know how long it's been since we've spent the days in the shade of the forest. I never counted the days, but dawn and dusk have spoken, that we have been here too long. I never sent a letter to Mom. He did not know, but may have prayed, that his son had survived in the thickets of the forest tree. I feel united to nature. Jafar had built a small hut, enough for the three of us to fall asleep. He went out quietly to the market to buy all the equipment, and will return when the evening break. Every night, there will always be a burning fireplace. Jafar and I often kissed Khusrow when she fell asleep. Every now and then, our eyelashes meet, our fingers cling to their tiny bodies, and sometimes we both cry happily. I once thought it would be better if we lived in the woods until Khusrow was old enough to see life out there. But, I have to go back. I can't live in this place. My clothes have been worn out by bloodstains and firewood powder. Khusrow must live in a decent place, then the forest is not his realm. Jafar also had to return to Wazir Khan, and he needed that to finance Khusrow's life later.

We were sitting on a dry log at the time. Space is still indigo, but slowly the yellowish white light will burst and pulsate from the eastern horizon. Stars flashing. Occasionally lost, then arise in a different place. Jafar is holding Khusrow. He hummed ria, small, but his voice was soothing. Our son often fell asleep with him, almost not wanting to be held in my arms.

I shifted to his side. I noticed Khusrow's blackened hair. “You should bring it, Jafar.”

“What do you mean? We'll raise her together.”

I'm shaking. He frowned, then his gaze turned cautious.

“Baw it. Khusrow can't live in our family. There will be too much trouble and hands that want it taken away from me. I can't keep her as a mother. You must ..” I take a breath, tears fall from my cormorant. “You should get married, Jafar.”

“I'm not getting married, Ladli.”

“You should. Khusrow needs a Mother.”

His face hardened like a rock as he looked at me. “If I'm going to get married, I'm going to marry you. There's no other woman besides you, Ladli.”

I clasped his hand, declaring that I was ready if he had to make a choice on that painful thing. I will survive even though my son has to be raised by a foreign woman. I'll see him from afar, hear his name plunge into the field of action, then come back in victory. I was content with just watching him fight from the isolated area, so I confirmed the determination that this should be done. “You're getting married. You'll find another woman. Go out Lahore. Perhaps you should have an expedition with the princes of the Sultanate. You only choose Shah Jahan's children. Dara, Shuja, Aurangzeb, or Murad.”

He snorted, looking unhappy. “Not the whole.”

“I can't marry again, Jafar. You have to accept that.”

“And what about this kid? She should know that you are her mother?” Tears expanded in her stiff gaze, then slid off without being given command. I noticed the water dripping down on the cheeks of our sleeping son.

I smile. I wiped the water off Khusrow's cheek, and he squirmed a little. “He will know. You'll bring it to me one day, Jafar. Maybe I was old, or waiting for death to come. Either way,” I held her fingers, wiped the tears on her cheeks. “You must promise to bring this child to me. He has to see me, even once. And that's enough. I don't want anything. Bring her to me, then you can bring her back to your wife.”

He sobs, upset in her. His body trembled with that anger, but he himself was still strong to hold on. I have seen the man I love so much cry for the woman and the child he loves. I don't want anything else. I've seen love in both of us, and that's enough. I will live by his love, to whatever extent he takes his body wandering. But, as the night passed into dawn, I would sneak in his dreams secretly, a world that only one could have. Then we could make love and kiss and cuddle like we could.

He kissed me, it was sweet. This kiss has long since passed, I almost forgot when Jafar gave this warm kiss last time. I cried at the kiss, sobbed like her, and our behavior awakened Khusrow.

“Please promise, promise me that you will miss me, Jafar,” I said as I passed.

He rubbed my cheek. I felt his love for that touch. “For the love of God, Ladli. I pledge. I will miss you every night, every moment, every moment of my pulse, every time my body tells me that I am still alive to breathe. And I say your name in that breath with me.”

“Will you come to me, even in a dream once.”

“Sure. Sure, My darling.” He promised when the dawn slowly broke from the horizon, breaking the horizon to appear dashing on the world view.

We cried again until we were tired. In the end, I had determined that I should go back to Mom. Jafar kept our huts and fireplaces standing strong when we had to leave them. I walked staggered. Embrace his hand filled with clay muscles, then walk gruntly under his armpits. Khusrow is in my arms. I suckled her for the last time. And I will be at ease because my blood has been hardened in his veins. This is the child I tried to abort, but then his birth came to bring love. For nine months, I ate for her, and I gave birth to her with hope. Now, my burden is lifted perfectly. I never seemed to be in trouble, because my mind was tossed without a stain.

When we reached the banks of the Ravi river, Jafar crossed me through the low water. We got to the edge, then parted slowly. Every foot I stepped away from him, I could feel Jafar's heart beating painfully. And I bet that he had cried. Because when I turned around, I saw a groove on her cheek.[]