Not Dilan 1990
36. Dear you (END)
🎧 [Suffocate-Hayd]
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Happy reading")
[1] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
I'm happy a thousand times when I see him here. In front of me.
[2] H.I.M. K.A.R.I.N
Smile always. I love seeing your smiley face. I love the squinty eyes and dimples that decorate it.
[3] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Guanlin's new hobby: disturbing Karin.
[4] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
If you ever find out, I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry.
[5] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
It worked! Happy birthday, Kim Karin. Thank you for taking me back.
[6] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
What did they call it? THE EXO? What the fuck? I thought I was more handsome than all of them. How could Karin like him more? Who's Xiumin? A sehun? A baekhyun? The chanyeol? A suho? A taoist? Kai? Chen's? Kyungsoo's? Lay's? Who're they?!
[7] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Karin likes EXO merchandise, huh? I think I need to find out what that thing is. I might as well have to go hunting for their concert tickets and fanmeets.
[8] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
If he had known, I wouldn't have liked him being close to Daniel!
[9] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Karin looks like a mother, yes. I'm thrilled. I'm also his private tutor now.
[10] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Merry christmas, Kim Karin. Merry christmas, you ignorant Ong. Merry christmas Jihoon. Merry christmas, Daehwi. Merry christmas, Daniel. Merry christmas, Jinyoung. Merry christmas, Woojin happy virus. Merry christmas, classmate. Merry christmas, mama. Merry christmas, papa. Merry christmas, everybody. And happy new year too.
[11] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Damnit. Why does my nose keep bleeding?
[12] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Blood cancer, huh? Gosh darn. How could he like my body?
[13] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Today we went for another walk. Time passes quickly with him. Damn, I'm nosebleed again. Fortunately, Karin did not see it.
[14] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it at all. Excuse me.
[15] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Blank. He's getting further and further away.
[16] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
I seem to miss. Longs. Longs.
[17] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Stadium 3. Not only cancer, but my miss too.
[18] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
I didn't expect. Why is papa so hearty? I feel crushed.
[19] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Today I look like a paparazzi. I've been following Karin and Airish all day. He saw me. Hopefully he doesn't recognize me.
[20] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
We all graduated. I am proud of my friends. If you read this one day, I hope you miss me. I am proud of Kim Karin. Congratulations, I'm glad you're 7 stories below me. That was amazing.
[21] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
I'm insomnia because I keep thinking about him. Oh, my God, am I overreacting.
[22] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
[23] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
I doubt if I should take her as a couple in the farwell party later in the afternoon.
[24] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Why does it feel like there's going to be something bad? Is this just my feeling.
[25] K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
Hiya!! This will probably be my last post. That cancer. He loved my body so much that it made me lie in stage 4. But the doctor praised me. He didn't expect me to survive nearly 5 months after being diagnosed with stage 3. I'm lying in a gurney right now. This white room was very thick with the smell of medicine. I don't like it. But over time my smell began to disappear. I also find it hard to walk. My hands are hard to write, too. Sorry, but my writing this time is so bad. Can you read it? Please try yes. Oh yes, if Kim Karin reads it I want to say I love you very much. Maybe it will be like this until next. I hope you'll recover soon after that day.
I can still even imagine how cold the sea water was when I jumped to catch up with you. I almost drowned in the pain of the gunshot wound. But when I saw you, my spirit grew back. I couldn't bear to see you drown because of that rope. But I also find it hard to bring you back to the mainland. Thankfully, Daniel came. Daniel, thanks. You are a good brother. I want to hug you one last time. Thank you for helping Karin. Thanks very much. If possible, please take care of him if I leave one day. Over time, I felt very sick. I can't feel anything. But so aware I was here. With a lot of health equipment in my body.
Since this is my last piece of writing, I want to say a lot of apologies to those whose hearts have been hurt because of me. I'm sorry, so I can go in peace.
Jung Airish, you got the best cousin ever from me. Are you proud? I'm very grateful to you. Please stay with Karin when I'm gone.
Ong Seong Woo, Jihoon, Daehwi. Hey, fellows. Thank you for being my friend for 6 years. What do I have to pay you guys? I can't treat you guys much longer. You guys are ever's best friend to me. I'd feel so lacking if you weren't around. I hope you'll always miss me after this. Please take care of Karin too. I'm worried about him.
Woojin and Jinyoung. Thank you for being a part of my life for over 3 years. I hope Park Woojin will always be like the Park Woojin I know. I like your sense of humor, man. I was amazed at Jinyoung. How can you be calm and wise at one time. I want to study for you, but I don't have much time. Please take care of Karin too.
Mama Taeyeon, I'm sorry for all my actions that hurt your heart. I'm sorry I ever refused the affection you gave me. I love you, ma.
Jihyo and Seon Yoo. I'm not very familiar with you guys. But I also thank you guys. Without you, I would hate myself. Thanks though.
And to the girl I love so much. Kayangi. Kim Karin's. I'm sorry I ever hurt you so much. Forgive my friends who may lie to you after this. I told him to. Don't be mad at them, yeah. I'm glad you survived that. If I'm really gone, don't cry too long. Don't think I left you either. Part of me is on you. Part of me is always with you at all times. I'm glad I could be useful before I leave. I'll be back one day. The luv u.
Oh my God, this writing is getting more and more unclear. The paper also became wrinkled because of the trail of my tears. Don't laugh at me for writing a diary. Don'tdon't.
Already, yeah. After this I will go for an eye donor surgery. Pray that this works.
Don't ever forget me. I love all of you. Don't cry for too long. Goodby.
Lai Guanlin's. Seoul, April 2015♥*
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I closed the thick navy diary that Airish gave me earlier. I closed my mouth so that my tears would not be heard from the room. 2 days I still could not stop crying. That last entry in his diary really struck my heart. How can he not get tired of writing my name at the beginning of every writing?
K.I.M K.A.R.I.N
How can he not get tired of writing a diary? To my knowledge, men do not like to write diaries.
After learning the fact that Guanlin was gone, I fainted for a few hours. Upon awakening, I forced them to take me to his final resting place. They initially refused, but perhaps could not bear to see my chaotic situation, they took me there, to the public cemetery of Seoul.
When I saw her grave under a tree and covered with snow in December, I cried hysterically again. You know what I feel? Crushed. My heart hurts so much. All the memories of being with him came back to my mind. Everything was.
At the quiet cemetery, my cries sounded. I look so pathetic. I hugged the stone that wrote his name. I didn't expect my Guanlin to leave so soon. I even found out after 8 months. For hours I was there with my friends who were crying in silence.
It's very sudden. I had a lot of plans when I found out he was coming back for the winter break from London. It would be a plan forever. My guanlin's gone forever and he's not coming back.
He hid the deadly disease well. He did not want to share his suffering with me. He always helps me when I'm in danger. He taught me so much that my final exam was very satisfying. He also took me to a concert. Bought me a lot of merchandise. Purchased me a novel. We take each walk. Take me on his bike. Rela fights Daniel demiku. Rela was punished for giving me his gym clothes. He even donated his eyes to me.
I touched my tear-soaked eyes. I also once thought how can I keep looking well because when the ocean falls my eyes hit the reef.
In my heart I called out his name many times. Perhaps he will appear miraculously in front of me. My chest is getting crowded.
....Don't think I left you either. Part of me is on you. Part of me is always with you at all times...
What he meant was eyes, right? Guanlin's right. He stays with me. I can see everything because of him. My beloved guanlin. I couldn't even hug her one last time. I couldn't see his face for the last time. Her smile. Joking laugh. Her voice. All about her. I miss very much.
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April 2016
I went to the beach as usual after visiting Guanlin's grave. Those two things are activities I've always done since a few months ago. Today I brought the flowers I bought from the florist and placed them in Guanlin's grave. The ground had been covered in the typical grass of a cemetery because even a year had passed.
I don't cry as often as I used to. But, I really changed. I went to college without ever hanging out with my college friends. Only Airish has been with me lately. I became more quiet than when SHS was. I rarely speak and rarely smile.
Half the happiness in me has gone since that incident. I really can't like anyone else anymore. Not interested in any man because the whole part of my heart is filled by a Guanlin.
Y'all know? I will never stop loving her. I don't care if I'm gonna stay alone until death picks me up. I often prayed to God that I would one day be reborn and meet Guanlin again.
The afternoon waves and the sounds of passing birds add to the beautiful twilight on the beach. A breeze greeted my hair, gently flying each strand. Hayd's suffocate song and EXO's universe played over and over again from the earphones that stuffed my ears. I always liked this atmosphere. I'll wait until the sun is completely gone on the western horizon. At the same time, I would feel that Guanlin was smiling at me from the darkening sky. I smiled faintly.
Guanlin, I love you. Miss you. And it will remain so.
T A M A T
